New Years eve thoughts

Another whirlwind week...I had my stitches taken out on Wed. which is exactly a week from when my port was removed.  My scar is itching so I am assuming that it is healing.  The stitch removal was super easy and super fast and I floated out of the dr. office feeling that something was different. I even voiced it to Mark.  Nope, I have no clue what is different but something is!

We spent a couple of days with Dana and Summer and kids because Autumn had her first dance recital...She was the star (as well as Dana who played Mother Ginger ;)   We just got home a little bit ago.  Friday was my most favorite day of the 2 and a half days that we were there (after the recital of course) because  I had gone to see my COS while the family napped.  I had to track her down and in the process I ended up having a little meeting after the meeting with a couple of old mutual friends of Bill W. that I had not seen for a very long time.  We ARE ALL GRAMMAS NOW!  Where did the time go?  It was wonderful!  We laughed and laughed at all of the crap we have had to go through in our journey.   Sometimes all we can do is laugh, right?

Summer, Mark and I had our own little meeting that morning about how so much had gone on in all of our lives these last 10 months.  Life did not get put on hold just because I had cancer...Guess what? We even shed some tears...this family that does not crack under pressure with tears (except Mark, he is very tender hearted and cries easily) shed some pretty serious crocodile tears while we shared our feelings.  We like to say that we laid our guts on the table.  I realized that healing of a different kind needs to take place for our family.  Emotional healing.  I am a little afraid because I didn't know that I was walking around so emotionally wounded.  I am not going to go into what Summer and Mark said because that is not my place, but I know that I felt raw emotions coming through our conversation.   How awesome of a family do I have that we can sit and share from the depths of our gut and have it speak straight from our hearts!  I felt like all of this time we thought that we were all staring cancer right in the face yet we were so afraid in the dark recesses of our souls!  Too afraid to say " I am afraid that you are going to die" or "are you afraid of dying"?  I have to honestly say that I never thought I would die but a few times in the middle of the night I sometimes would think  "what am I gonna do if I die?"  HA!  You die, bird brain!!

The insanity is so obvious to me now but I think that I have to go through a little bit more of the crazies before I can speak with any kind of survivor wisdom.  All I know is gut talk and my gut has been asking me lately...where do I fit in?  I am fearful of who knows what....there is free floating anxiety all over the place and I feel like I really don't belong anywhere....I guess I didn't plan past one day at a time.  This I know... I am alive, and I will live until I die. 

I feel so unprepared to take care of Mark and be the wife that he needs.  Life keeps happening and tonight is a perfect example.  I can choose to see the ugly of a situation that came up or I can choose to understand that Mark is facing his own journey and his does not seem to have an end to it.  I choose to 'hold my face up to the light even if for the moment I cannot see' (Bill W.)  I MUST believe more deeply.  Yes, I am a little bit afraid tonight.  I think because I don't have a whole team of doctors and nurses telling me what to do or where to go on a daily basis.  I truly am back in the saddle again....however I am sitting off to the side of the saddle about ready to fall off. HA!

I sound like Chicken Little don't I?  I do feel better that I got to sound off and spill some of my guts here.  2012 - you are a welcome sight for these tired bones (how's that for a little drama?)

Happy New Year all!  God is forever good and faithful! Amen? 

Port removal( feel free to click on any picture for a closer look);)

I was a nervous wreck this morning but a very quiet nervous wreck.   Thank you very much :)  The very thought of being in the same doctors office where I had my horrific experience with my biopsy earlier this year, struck sheer terror in my being.  I don't think I was even this nervous for my mastectomy (s)! The younger of the two nurses put some blue patch thing on me and I asked her if that was a pain patch and she said "no, it's the ground."   Me thinking to myself....'isn't a ground necessary when there is electricity involved!'...yep.
The numbing stuff was quite stingy painful and apparently very fast acting because it seems to me that Dr. W started carving on me immediately. Then when Dr. W would cauterize whatever he was cauterizing, he would ask me if it hurt....uh, no.  I think I could smell burning flesh but that could have been my over active imagination.  Nurse Laurie would dab, dab, dab, and tried to keep smiling but I am certain that I could see a look of  - OMG this is awful!  Mark kept chattering away and I found it very distracting and a little bit (ok, alot ) annoying.  If he had not been holding onto my leg, I am sure that a few times I would have kicked him in the chops...sorry Lord, forgive me.  The younger nurse left the room in quite a hurry and when asked where she was going she said 'out'.  Hmmm, wonder what she saw that made her leave.  Mark tried to explain and I don't think I would want to see what he saw.   Dr. W is such an awesome doctor.  I am very grateful for him and his gift.  I am even more grateful for pain/numbing medicine

It is all over now and am a little sore but the healing is taking place and I will be back to my new 'normal' very soon.  I  got to keep the port and I sent a picture of it to Summer so she can post it on my blog...yuck.  But it is fascinating how I had that thing in my chest for 10 months!  Summer said, "it's purple like a purple heart for courage" .  Nice, I like that.

No  more cutting on this poor old body anymore.  I have no more foreign objects to be cut out!

Merry Christmas to all if I don't get to blog before Sunday.















'

Monday Monday, so good to me (tra la la)

Woke up a little nostalgic today.  I think that is the word for the 'feeling' that is going on.
I am finding that I am beginning to border on hypochondria in my thoughts....and I hate that!   I took my compression sleeve off last night and I immediately felt a pain shoot up between my shoulder blades!!!! OMG is that a blood clot racing through my arteries?!  Is this a heart attack?  I thought women don't feel pain when they experience a heart attack!  OMGosh, I better go sit down so I don't drop to the floor and hurt myself...please don't let me feel pain before I go home to be with you Father.....and on and on it went for quite awhile!   I never mentioned it to Mark because he might make me go to the hospital and 'they' might tell me that I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!!! HA!   Night time is awful for me....the mind is really like a dangerous neighborhood.... I finally took my meds and went to sleep...and I woke up this fine Monday still here on planet earth ;)  Like my friend Kay says, "spring broke-no clang clang"..... that's me on occasion.

 I am delivering cookies to Peace Hospice for the cookie plate party that they have every year.  They need around 120 doz. cookies!   Whit and I baked cookies yesterday .  It was quite fun for me because I felt so normal making rosettes and visiting with Mark over the mounting pile of yummy little delicacies. 

God has so richly blessed me and now I am praying for a sound mind.  I wonder if that is the chemo and radiation working its way out of my system or if I am just getting a little bit koo koo?  Either way, I know that God did not give me the spirit of fear and that is what I am fighting now.  Or at least I was last night....gee, that was quite the battle.



 

AND I"M DONE!

My morning started out like all of the other mornings that I have to get ready for radiation.  I really had to 'grease' myself up this morning  because I am quite well done under my left arm and chest.   I wondered how our skin can stand all of that 'heat' and still stay on my body?  Who knows what my internal organs have gone through.   Mark dropped me off at the front door (as he always does) at Sletten and I ran into someone that would not normally be there!  AHA! I WAS RIGHT!  There was something in the wind!  Mark denied that the girls had anything planned when I asked him this morning but his eyes said other wise.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed some balloons BUT I did not notice that it was my little Autumn holding them....Oh my goodness...then I noticed friends and family all in a bunch waiting and smiling like they had really pulled off a great secret :)   I hugged all that I could before I ran into the 'holding tank'.  OMG,OMG don't let me start crying NOW!!!!!
I got called for my turn and I could feel my tight upper lip start to give up the ghost.  The girls that run the radiation thingy were all commenting about how awesome it was that my family and friends were there to hear me 'ring the bell'.  When a patient is finished with the last treatment he/she is taken to a sort of waiting room that has a bell on the wall with a plaque that reads " Ring this bell three times well it's toll to clearly say, my treatments done, this course is run, and I am on my way."  We read it out loud which is not a problem since I  DO know  how to read :) but I have great difficulty reading with a lump in my throat the size of my fist.  Many tears of joy and relief and who knows what else.  
Actually the tears started to well up while I lay on the table with the girls measuring the exact spot for the beam to zero in on.  My face has to be turned to the right (don't know why) and I have to lay very still so there was a pool of tears in my left socket being kept there by the bridge of my nose!  Please God PLEASE do not let me move and have them radiate the wrong spot!!!   Lots of hugs and tears and misty eyes after I got off of the table.  I will miss these girls just like I missed the oncology staff when I was going through chemo.  
I feel like a little bird that has been booted out of the nest and I am feeling unsure of who knows what.  I feel like my old hard shell , my only protection, is gone and I don't care who sees or knows  ... are you ready for this... How free I feel!  It has been an incredibly tough journey but it has been a journey that has taught me things that I would not have learned any other way.  How great is our God?  The pruning was necessary I know (but did you really have to take the boobs God?) HA! 

I have felt every range of emotion that is humanly possible over the last 9 or 10 months and I am physically exhausted yet somehow energized like I have never been!  Gratitude is not really the right word but I don't know of any other way to express this sort of out of body feeling.   I think that the Lord really is carrying me at this moment.   It is sort of like when mom died with me holding her hand 7 years ago...I did not want to talk about it because it was so special with the presence of God right there with us!  I felt that I would lose the awesome feeling if I shared it with someone that would doubt.  No matter,  I know that God is real and that He was with me every step of the way.  He kept whispering ' Do not be afraid'....and I KNOW that was real.

You know He is real too don't you?  That's why you were praying for me :)  Thank you and may the Lord richly bless all of your lives. 

I don't know if I will continue to blog but I probably will.  There is always something to chat about...right?! 

Just some thoughts....

I have been sitting here thinking about what it is that I am feeling....it is the evening before my last radiation session and I am sort of numb.  I feel a little nauseous (which is sort of a daily thing as of late) and I wonder how long it will be before I feel 100%.  Maybe this is 100% !

I can hear Mark puttzing around in the kitchen doing what ever it is that keeps him busy and I can faintly hear Logan and Julianna upstairs playing and laughing.  

There is something healing about the laughter of a child.  Sometimes they are belly laughs and sometimes just pure joy in life!!!  Makes me smile just thinking about them. They  are so real!  Last night I was visiting with Autumn and she very calmly told me that her daddy was pooping!! HA!  TMI Dana? Now blog-land knows that you poop!!!! Eeeuuuwww!

I spent several hours totally by myself at Set Free  this morning and it was a breath of fresh air.   It is totally a no-brainer 'volunteer job' but it is exactly what I needed.  It was me and no one else for a couple of hours!  Just me and the Lord and bags and bags of donations ;)  The broom and I kicked up quite a dust storm as I cleaned and prayed quietly  ( Sometimes not so quietly).  I tried to only give thanks and not ask for anything .  That is harder than it sounds.  
Greedy bugger that I am....

Tonight I give thanks once again for all of you that have been so faithful in lifting me up in prayer and for those of you that have blessed me in ways that only you and I will know about (and of course God knows too) .

I came home today and already the cards are coming in...   So thoughtful.  Mark and I were sniffing as I read  them to him.   


I think that I will get ready for bed....so tired. Mark is already sleeping! It feels like it should be at least 8:00! I will let you know how tomorrow goes. 

Booster update and # 31coming up!

Wow! Can you believe it?!  This Thursday is my last day of radiation!!!  The booster has definitely been doing something to my skin....I am getting a boost of radiation on the whole left side (scar)  My under arm is very dry and my skin  feels like it wants to crack.  Mark and I keep applying aloe gel to the area and it seems to be working like magic.  I believe that the Lord has everything to do with this ;)  

Yesterday in the dressing room I met a lady with non-Hodgkin lymphoma and she was sharing with me that it looked like 'it' had returned.  We had a great visit until I realized that Mark had been waiting for me outside...oops.  I didn't rush her though.  We wished each other the best and blessed one another.  I did not even ask her name and she did not ask me mine...but we 'knew' one another. 

Mark and I have become mall-walkers after our radiation.  We had a huge laugh while we walked yesterday making it nearly impossible to walk for a few minutes.  Long story short....He turned one way and I turned the other and we slammed into eachother.  I felt my glasses crack a little at the same time that the base of my neck did.   I didn't think we were walking fast enough to cause much damage but I really did think that my glasses were going to slide right off of my face. It felt kind of like when you see people walk into a glass door....that is what I think my face looked like...squashed!!! HAhahahaha! 

Gotta go get ready for my microwaving.  Thanks for all your prayers! Thank God for laughter :)

My last Friday

Today is my last Friday for radiation!!  Something weird going on with my eyes.  Can't make out some of the words on this blog.  Kind of like a delayed reaction to what I am typing.  OH OH.  Will have to mention it to the radiation people this morning.

This morning is my first booster day.  I asked why I was having this booster and they said that it will zero in on the scar where they removed the tumor because if there is a re-occurrence of cancer it will most likely be there.  Oh ok.  

Yesterday we (Mark, Summer and I) went to our first diabetes class.  Very informative.  One of my friends from Lewistown sent me some books on diabetes and I am all set up for a great 'read' :)  (if I can see;)


The day before yesterday we got to sit and visit with some dear friends and we had such a great time laughing and laughing.  We had not seen Tom since all of this excitement has been going on for me so he did not recognize me with white curly hair.   The look on his face when it registered that it was me was priceless.


Well Flashlights, keep lifting me up in prayer please.  There is an aura like something or other going on now but I can at least see the words as I am typing them.  No head ache just visual disturbance in the perimeter of my focus. 


Will let you know how the booster goes. 


Blessings and love to you all.
 

# 25 coming up, 6 left!

Thanksgiving was wonderful!  My kids and grand kids were here and I think that we all had a great time.  Tired babies by the end of the evening. Mark and I were pretty pooped too :)  

This morning as I was doing my meditations and devotions, I was reminded once again how the Lord allowed me to go through these last months of difficult times but He never left me.  He let me experience His peace which is beyond my human comprehension.  My devotional said " this peace is not just for those that handle stress well...it is for everyone!"  

I think this is the week that they will add a 'booster' to my radiation.  I am not certain what that is exactly but rest assured, I'm going to ask.  My arm pit looks like a black ham hock!  I asked Mark if he thought that the radiation cooks the under arm fat faster than the rest of the skin.  He looked at me like I had 2 heads! HA!  I think that if I had fair skin, my under arm would be flaming red.  My skin is not cracked or peeling so am hoping that it will stay intact and whole since I am so close to being done.  

I am poking my fingers when I wake up, after breakfast, before lunch, 2 hours after lunch , before dinner, and before I go to bed.  I'm missing one in there somewhere because Mark and I counted 7 times in the day.  We start our diabetes classes this coming Thursday from 1-3.  I am looking forward to those so that I don't feel like I have not a clue what I am doing except sticking my fingers and checking glucose #'s. What does all of this mean? 

Another journey into new territory.  Road trip!!  But I am not alone :)  I will draw near to Him. Amen?

# 20, Week 3 over

I have no idea where the time has gone!  I have gotten a couple of e-mails and a few calls asking if everything is alright because I haven't blogged in the last 5 or is it 6 or 7 days!? 

Mark and I have been busy with my radiation treatments and walking after wards so that I can get some exercise in. It is part of my therapy to control the diabetes. 

Last week was my appointment with my oncologist.  He is pleased with how I have come through all of the treatments over the last 8 months.  My skin looks great (he said) even after the radiation treatments.

  I get my  port taken out on December 19 and I have been reassured that it will be a simple office procedure...mmmm, I am not so sure about that so I am a little apprehensive about that upcoming date.

My body has adjusted to the diabetes medicine and I don't feel nauseous after I take it.  That is a relief.  I bought  2 books to help me to understand this disease and one of them is a cookbook.  I really like some of the recipes ...surprisingly, most of the ones that I have tried are quite delish.  Summer suggested that I buy ' Diabetes for Dummies' and I am really enjoying it.   Really simplifies the illness.  I am finding out that much of what Summer tried to tell me years ago is true...we really are what we eat.  Mark and I are going to be so stinking healthy and we will be dang happy about it...(sic).

We ( Mark, Summer, Whitney and I ) are going to go to diabetes classes at the Doctors Plaza the first 3 Thursdays in December.  My doctor told me not to think about what I CAN'T eat but to learn how my body uses the food that I consume and that I really can eat what I want but it is all about choices. 

I am not a detail person and this smacks of detail!  Counting and exchanging grams of this and micro grams of that and I am already over it!  Oh please pray for me!  I gotta figure a way of making this fun!  No fun,  Julie no do : ( 
PS:  My blood pressure is now perfect and I have lost 5 lbs.   (maybe this is gonna be worth it :)

 

# 14 out of the way!

So, I don't know if  you read a couple of blogs ago that I had some blood work done...well the results came in and now I have diabetes!! Really?  Seriously?  I have no idea why this  hit me harder than the words " you have breast cancer".   Curious how I stepped right into the Twilight Zone.  I heard myself say " No freaking way!"  My good cholesterol is very good and I guess that is a very good thing.  All of the numbers that my doctor told me did not mean a thing but I guess that I can control it by changing my diet and taking a little pill.  I have pretty much eaten what ever I want and as much as I want all of my life so this is a very huge inconvenience for me.  It is now time to pay the piper.
Tomorrow is number 15 radiation treatment and so far nothing major has happened to my body except a little tenderness on my left side and arm.
Right now is when I get a couple of cookies and a glass of milk before I brush my teeth and go to sleep.  I am now in withdrawal ...HA!  I am such a whiner...WAAAAA....
BOO HOO : (
There... I am done...
God is good and I KNOW that I know that He loves me and will continue to guide me and protect me...period!
Good night. I will go to sleep tonight with a grumbling stomach because I cannot eat my cookies and milk.
OK. I am really done whining.
Good night Flash lights and Firefly.

# 12 coming up

Wow!  I cannot believe that it has been almost a week since I last blogged.  (What a strange word that is...blog) 

So much has happened in my life and not a whole lot of it concerns ME!  HA!

 Thursday of last week, Summer, Autumn, Dominic AND Dana came to visit.  It was such a treat to have Dana come along.  He and Summer raked their little hearts out in my big yard.  Such a gift!  The cousins all got to play for awhile until nap time and then Summer, Whitney and I bagged the leaves that were in piles.  Such a gorgeous day!
 
Whitney as some of you may or may not know was pregnant but not due for another 6 weeks.  She kept saying that she felt that he was ready to come out....and wouldn't you know, Jonah was born the next day :)  

We have been very busy since then. Summer came back to Great Falls to baby sit Julianna and Logan and to give us a break (because we are old and sickly ) HA!  We are very grateful that she could come to help out. Plus she has a great husband and in-laws that pitched in with her kids.
ANYWAY, lots of activity around here.

We decided that we weren't busy enough so we squeezed in a community concert and I hurt my left arm when I clapped my hands.  I forgot that I will always need to be careful with that arm because of the missing lymph nodes (or glands, I can never remember which it is).  I have had to wear a compression sleeve and I truly find it uncomfortable.
  
Too much activity and no naps have taken their toll on Mark so it is back to the taking it slow and making sure that he gets his naps.  I forget that my life mate needs my watchful eye on him.  

# 12 is this morning and I am almost half way through this leg of the race.  The Lord has had his watchful eye on me as well and I am ever so grateful to be alive and healthy ( well, sort of healthy ;)  

week 2 # 8 coming up

Wow the time goes by fast when I think that I am going to blog everyday. Of course it does not work  out that way because I am busy doing other things and it seems like there is nothing new to say.
Every time I go in there is something new to report and I think that I will remember when I get home.  My memory seems to have taken a little hiatus lately.
Monday I met a lady in the dressing room that had her last radiation and she was such a sweet lady.  She was very tiny and she was using a cane to steady herself.  She told me that she had rectal cancer and that her tumor was on her tail bone. When they removed the tumor they had to take her tail bone and more.  I assumed it was more bone than just her tail bone because she pointed to where they had performed surgery.  She was to use her cane whenever she went out where there were going to be lots of people in case someone bumped in to her.  She was very soft spoken and had an accent so I really had to pay close attention. We exchanged names and told each other we would pray for one another.  My list keeps growing. Curious how everyone that I have talked to and has shared their story with me, no matter how terrible it sounds, say the same thing....but I am alive! Some say it through tears and some just sound relieved.  Depends on the day for me.  I am alive :) YEE HAW!


All of the staff at the cancer institute had on costumes for Halloween.  Sitting in the waiting room someone said it was cute as long as we did not see one dressed like the grim reaper!  HA!  

Dr. S said that he did not see any cancer in the x-rays and to keep doing what I was doing.  He and his people are just the 'clean up ' crew he said :)  PTL!
 

Week 1 is over and gone!

One of the ladies that I run across in the dressing room said that she likes to go by weeks not by the number of treatments because they don't seem so overwhelming...I thought I'd do that today because I did not blog on # 4 or #5.  The only thing that I can say is different is that I feel stuffy on the right side of my head. Sort of like I am swimming under water.  That may be a start of a cold or maybe one of my drugs has that side effect. 
Summer, Dominic and Autumn were here on Thur. and we had a great time.  Whitney, Julianna & Logan joined us outside and it was wonderful to see all my grandchildren running in every direction in the yard.  Sort of like little chicks :)  My heart felt full of gratitude and wonder at the goodness of God.  To watch my daughters with their children all having a good time (with a few tears mixed in there from Dominic).  Life truly does go on.  I hope that they will remember the memories that were made in this yard.  Quite a comedy act when the kids all hit a wall and the fun is over!!!  Kids need a nap and moms are ready for them to do just that!  
Just as quickly as all of the activity started and all of the laughter and noise began, it was over...What a great feeling to have my family so close that we can all meet in a matter of an hour or so.  I am truly blessed...I know I keep saying that but it really is true. 
This Friday I had lunch with my dear friend Vickie from Lewistown.  We had a great laugh fest over too much food and then we had a little crying jag over life and what survivors we both are.  We patted each other on the back about how wonderful we are!  HA!   DANG! We are awesome!!!
Tomorrow is my appointment with the radiologist oncologist and am guessing that he will tell me what all the x-rays told him before they started radiation.  I will keep you all posted.
Love you all and thank you for all of your prayers that have carried me through.

# 3

Treatment went as the other two have and so nothing exciting to report...EXCEPT...met another lady in the dressing room and she is half way through her 6 weeks of radiation.  She LOVED my hair and asked me how many treatments I had left.  We visited for quite awhile and we discovered that we both have watery eyes and figure it is from the chemo.  Interesting.  Then she shared that she was afraid to take her hormone therapy pills.  I was able to share that I also am on hormone therapy and not to be afraid.  Nice.  I got to help and encourage someone today.  She was very bubbly and chatty and we carried on quite a conversation.  It continued out to the waiting room where Mark was.  We go out there in our gowns and wait for out turn so she was in her gown and I was on my way out the door (fully dressed in my own clothes).
I noticed another lady in a different waiting room and I thought that I remembered her and it in fact was her.  She has been diagnosed with double lung cancer and it has gone to her brain! Yikes! Another moment of gratitude for me.
Today there was a man in the waiting room with me.  He will be done with his treatments on Monday.  He has prostate cancer.  He and Mark had quite a little visit while I stared blankly at the cooking show on the tv over head.
By the time I am done with these treatments I will be able to find my way out of that place.  The girls that work the machine that zaps me tell me to follow the daisy pictures but I can never find any daisy pictures after the first one... There is a whole community behind the scenes.  I think I have stumbled across most of it trying to find my way out of my assigned space.
# 4 tomorrow.  So far so good :)

#2 done :)

Mark and I went in all prepared for me to get my blood drawn and I read on the doctors orders that I need to fast! Grrrrr... So I will have blood drawn tomorrow at 8:15.  
My second treatment went well except that I was not supposed to take off a little sticker that was left on my body for a purpose...I don't remember anyone telling me to leave it on. Now I know.  
When I was in the dressing room getting my clothes out of the locker, there was a lady standing there trying to figure out who was in her dressing room (there is only one) and I told her that it was me.  She smiled and told me that today is her last treatment and how many did I have left...she tried to sound encouraging when I said 31 :)  She asked me if I had breast cancer and I said yes and when I asked her about her cancer, she said that hers had metastasized by the time that it was discovered.  She had gone in complaining about back pain near her kidney and they found a tumor deep in her breast.  When she said " there is no cure for me"  I felt a sort of out of body experience.  She has been going through one chemo or another and now a few radiation treatments to try to slow it down I guess.  She's been doing this for over 2 years!  She looked great!  If you saw her on the street you would not know that she is not well!   We chatted for quite awhile about our treatments and how we feel and so on.  She asked me if I had lost my hair and that it was gorgeous :) and she made my day of course!  I introduced myself just as I was about to leave ( I got ungowned and dressed in front of her) and she introduced herself to me.  I felt like I had known her for a very long time.  I think there is a certain kinship with 'boobless' women.  There was a quiet strength and courage that I felt as I walked out of that room.  
Then I cried as I told Mark about this brave lady and once again determined that I am so grateful for every day that the Lord has given me.  I also committed not to whine because my head feels like it has cotton on the right side and because I have a sinus headache (I think)....of course you know that is not true...I will whine again and again the Lord will put someone in my path like this lady today to remind me that all is well....don't sweat the small stuff and it is all small stuff!

treatment 1 done!

I'm baaaack!  
Mark and I had a little lunch before my treatment at the little snack bar at the cancer institute.  Yummy chicken with wild rice soup.  I got to swipe my little card and walked in like I knew what I was doing except I didn't know where I was going until I saw 'women's dressing room'.  Mark went in with me and we got to know the lay of the land :)  
There were lots of x-rays taken and finally I was given my treatment.  No it didn't hurt and I didn't feel a thing except tired from holding my arms up.  The left side of my chest is all marked up and I am guessing that is where they 'zapped' me.  I was told that my immune system will not be as compromised as it was with the chemo but to try to stay away from people with colds or that are sick in any way.  So pretty much the same as when I was going through chemotherapy.
I was also asked to kiss my grand babies on the top of their heads if they have the sniffles and not their precious little faces. 
Tomorrow I go in at 11:45.  I will be bouncing around for awhile until I settle in at 10:15.  I think that starts on Thursday.  
Will report in manana.

Day 1 of 33

Today is the first day for my radiation therapy.  I have been fighting a little impending doom feeling :( 
I am not sure what it is but I have the feeling that this is a little bigger dog than the chemotherapy was.  I have been taking the new meds so maybe that is what is causing the blah feeling.  I wake up feeling like something is not right and cannot put my finger on it.  Prayer sometimes is just "please help me Lord".  I know that is enough... Mark has not been well and there is other stuff going on in my extended family but I know that there is nothing I can do about that so I just keep praying and giving it over to God...and then taking it back....and giving it over ...and back and forth.  
Maybe it's the time of year...everything is dead and blowing away.  Even our Lupe dog is acting strange.  She acts like she doesn't know us when we call her to come into the house.  She is so old and frail.  HA!  Sort of like I feel.  
So with all of the positive that I can muster, here I go....Lord, can you hear me?  A little nervous here...I am really trying hard to be glad that this is the last leg of the race but I am tired...maybe that's it....so tired. Tears?  OK then, maybe a good cry will relieve the pressure.  
Ok Flashlights and Firefly, remember what to pray for.  Here I go ...
Will fill you in later on how it went.

Break almost over!!!

So I went to dr. appts today and all went well.  I start radiation next Monday !  FOR REALS!  I thought that I had a month off or at least 2-3 weeks!  He wanted to start tomorrow but I said that I had plans to see my Lewistown grand babies...I got the tattoos that we  need for the radiation and only one of them was uncomfortable.  I got my own little card with a bar code on it so that I scan it when  I come in and take my place in line...moo, moo ;)  HA!  Dr. S said that very little of my left lung would get radiation and that sort of concerned me but he explained that they wanted to make sure that there were no stray cancer cells in my lung near where the tumor was.  Mark very calmly said " you have another lung"....I do believe that he was having an episode because he really did not SEEM to be saying it sarcastically!  I just cannot imagine that he would think that it is ok to fry one of my lungs!  I will be getting 33 treatments (if that is what they are called) and I think that I will be done with them around Thanksgiving.  What a Thanksgiving that will be!

I am a little tired right now but I think it is because my day started with a bang at 5 this morning when the air compressor started up.  Mark forgot to turn it off and it decided to kick in at that hour of the morning. 
I am looking forward to my visit in Lewistown and to catch up on a little R & R while I play with Autumn and Dominic.  Both Mark and I love to visit our family in Lewistown. 

Flashlights (and firefly), I need your prayers for the Lord to protect my lung and that I will not burn too badly from the radiation.  The dr. said that my arm pit will probably burn and peel and that I should expect to be tired...I feel greedy asking for the Lord to help me in this like He did the chemo because I feel like a spoiled child that wants more and more.  But that is what I am  asking for....no burn and no fatigue :)
Greedy bugger....

Chemo -Done!

My last treatment was almost ant-climactic. I don't know what I thought I would feel except that it felt like any other day.  I felt sort of sad that I would not see Deanna weekly and would not get to sit in my cushy chair to snooze if I wanted but all in all I am very grateful.  So many people to thank at Sletten , they were all amazing and caring people.  God hand picked every one of them to be in my life and to take part in my care.

Whitney and Kay showed up toward the end of my session and we all went out for lunch after wards.  We laughed and talked and remembered how I cried a little at the very first chemo treatment as Nurse Deanna explained what was going to happen...Funny, I don't remember her explaining anything to me.  I only remember how much it hurt to have the port accessed because I had just had it put in the day before and I was swollen and raw!!!  I think I remember Deanna saying that it looked pretty sore but she thought that she could still get it in.....I must have blacked out after that because I don't remember her sitting down with us to explain the procedure. WAIT...there is a memory of  both Summer and Whitney being there as well as the brothers-in-law (Mark and Bruce) .  Deanna thought that Bruce was my brother NOT my ex-husband!  HA!  Laughter even in the beginning :)

Yesterday Dr. M prescribed some kind of beta blocker for my blood pressure (has been a little high) especially since he heard that my sister had her first heart attack in her early 50's and just had another one this last week.  He also gave me some kind of estrogen blocker. I didn't know that old women still produced estrogen but I guess we do and if there are any cancer cells left, cancer likes estrogen...I thought the radiation would take care of that but he said that he would probably keep me on this for the rest of my life because of the size of my tumor.  It may cause me to have hot flashes (oh yay) and that he WANTS me to have them because it means that it is working. He also happened to throw in "Dr. W will take your port out soon.  It is a very simple office procedure. Painless".... Barney Fife look again for me!  If it is so painless why did I have to go to the hospital and get knocked out to have it put in?  OH NO!  That is all I heard after that and I have been fighting off little panic attacks....where are those anti- anxiety pills he gave me?

Next he said that I will be seeing a radiology oncologist on Monday the 17 of this month.  Before that I will visit my primary care physician and she will give me the dreaded 'female' exam. :(

Right after those two appts. Mark and I are off to Lewistown to visit Dana, Summer,  Autumn and Dominic for a couple of days.  I will slip away one of the days that I am there to go to Billings to visit my sister and come home that evening.  I have much to do while I am on chemo break.


I love this time of the year because somehow it feels cozy to me.  There are some feelings of nostalgia that come with this time of the year but I rather like it.  I think of how my mother would sit at the window and the tears would run down her face as she saw the leaves turning yellow and the flowers were dying.  She seemed sad but now I feel that Fall was just not her favorite time of the year.  I miss her so much.  I get to see her every time I look in the mirror :)  My curly white hair is just like she liked her perms to look!  AND I look like her :)  

All is well in my world today...it is exactly as it should be.  To God be the Glory.

# 11 is done! One left!!!

Another one bites the dust!  
As usual it was a very pleasant experience in the chemo 'suite' today.  Mark and I joined the young man that I spoke about a few blogs back and his wife.   She waved to me and commented on my hair.  They seem like a very sweet young couple.  He was sleeping and I joined him in slumber a little while later.  It seemed to go very quickly today and I felt almost sad as I was leaving.   Waaa, I will miss Nurse Deanna and all of our laughter.  I will still be in same building for my radiation treatments so I can pop in and say hello ;)
I am feeling a little fuzzy in my thoughts again and am assuming it is the 'medicine' that is racing in my veins that is the culprit. 
I was suddenly aware that this week I am withdrawing again mentally.  I am a talker as many of you know.  I like guts on the table and then sort out the truth...My AA sponsor (COS) taught me from day one to be brutally honest.
I am getting chemo pumped into my body weekly and I am expecting to feel normal!  The height of grandiosity.  God has truly protected me but my body is still flesh and blood.  Throw in the fact that my beloved sister had a heart attack  on Monday and my humanness REALLY took over.
Strange how reality shakes us out of our auto pilot mode.   I sent out prayer requests and everyone responded immediately.  I dropped to my knees  and started praying in her behalf.  I pushed back the tears like a good little care giver.  Talk about a helpless feeling!  I helped take care of her when she had her first one about 5 or 6 years ago.  This time it is not going to be that way because her wonderful children have stepped in to help their mother.  AND I can't be there until my chemo is done.  So guess what?  The world goes on with out me!  HA!  I had to get off of the throne and let God get back on....He totally took care of her and she is home as I am writing this.  After talking with her, I know that she is on the mend because her language is very colorful again!!!
So anyway, enough about her, now back to me : ).  I came home and took a nice 2 hour nap but I woke up with a stomach ache and my body felt shakey.  Grrrr, # 11 is trying to be a little different than the other treatments...or wait!  Maybe it was the Cajun food that I had for lunch with fried pickles as appetizers...ugh...doesn't even sound good right now. 
Next week is my last one and I am thrilled!
Memo to me....Let go and Let God do what only He can do (bucket head)

The count down begins! #10 is over and done with :)

The chemo suite was empty when we walked in for our #10.  Or at least I thought it was until I looked around and saw a little Hutterite lady in the corner hooked up to her liquid buddy. She was asleep so I left her alone :) I did however say a little prayer for her as I waited for my 'goods' .   I slept nice and peacefully until I heard a whole bunch of German (?) chatter somewhere in my adavan induced coma. The little lady had a whole bunch of friends that came to visit her while she sat in her recliner.  :) nice.
Nurse Deanna was of course great and so were her nurse buddies. The time went quickly and Mark and I were able to go have a little lunch and go home and sleep til 3:30!  
This week I didn't  need to have any blood drawn because Dr. M said last week that my blood looks good NOT perfect but good.  Was a little concerned about a bladder infection that keeps trying to sneak in. He does not like any kind of infection in my compromised system so he gave me some antibiotics for it.  
I had been taking some natural stuff from the health food store (bladder and urinary system flush) and it has seemed to be working just great.  
Dr. M said that he wants to have my port taken out as soon as possible after my last chemo so that there is no threat of a blood clot forming and my side swelling from it. yikes...does not sound like that would be any fun.  
I get a 2 or 3 week rest after chemo and then we start the radiation.  He said that they don't want me to get radiation while there is still chemo in my body because that can sometimes be a challenge.  I did not ask what the challenges could be because I am dreading radiation almost as much as I dreaded the mastectomies.  My over active brain does not need anymore ideas to form awful scenarios with.  Know what I mean?
Over all Flashlights, I am blessed and very grateful for the huge support that all of you have been to me in one way or another.  
I have made a conscious effort to surround myself with positive people that speak blessings not curses. 
I was digging in some boxes from our move and I found this book that I have not read yet. It is called the Gift. It sounds like this man has Tourette's syndrome.  He calls it his gift from God.  I will read this AFTER I am finished with Jonah's baby blanket.  I am halfway finished with that...90 little squares made....only 90 more to go! 
A little tired now so I think I am going back to bed for a little bit.
I like this from one of my readings this morning...IT SEEMS THAT THE MOST SIGNIFICANT EVENTS IN OUR LIVES HAPPEN WHILE WE ARE WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENING....
No worrying today...deal?  God is totally in control! 
This for sure calls for an AMEN!


 

# 9 and feeling fine ( a little more cheesey )-from Summer Goodan

Another chemo session over with!  
The young man that I spoke of last week was not there but the lady that was new a couple of blogs back was there.  She had a nice freshly shaved head.  She said that her grandson had done it.  She was very smiley and happy to visit with us.  Then she went over to the nurses to get 'hooked' up.
Nurse Deanna visited with us for a little while and then I slept the time away.  It was very nice.  I think that I needed it because my body just said 'good night' and I woke up when it was over.  Mark stood guard over me like he does every Wed. while I get medicated. :) I am so blessed.
I have to stay in our 'digs' and not go upstairs because my little Julianna and now Logan have a cold. 
I have escaped any illnesses since this journey has begun.  God is good!
Wanna hear a funny?
I have started parking way out in the parking lot of what ever store I go to so that I can get in a little more walking ....I was hustling along minding my business with my hood up over my head because it was cold out.   A young native looking young man yelled something at me and then ran over to catch up with me and started 'chatting ' with me. Then he asked me if I was from (naming a couple of reservations) and I politely said 'no, I am from here' ( I never stopped walking as he talked).  Then he lowered his voice as he kept up with me " hey, you want some food stamps?) HA! Hahahaha! A belly laugh and then I stopped dead in my tracks and looked right at him and said 'FOOD STAMPS? No I don't want food stamps!"  He mumbled " Sorry, I thought you were native." He turned on his heels as he walked away and I said a little too loudly I think " yeah, I get that alot"! He said with out looking back, "yeah I bet you do"  He never even came into the store.  I guess I will not wear a hoody to Walmart anymore and definitely not park out in the south 40.


Dr. M thought I was Colombian yesterday. He said that I probably would not lose my hair if I have not lost it by now. Nurse Deanna would not say yes or no. She said that it is beautiful today.  Hmmm, so I guess I will enjoy having my God given head covering one day at a time.
My life is peace filled and I pray that yours is today as well.  
We are all on a faith walk.  It's ok, we can TRUST HIM. 
Amen, do I hear an amen!




 

# 8 went great! (a little cheesey I know ;)

I think it was last week that I said that I hoped I did not lose my hair and that I was losing my eyelashes.  I should have included my teeth in that.  Saturday I was emptying boxes from our move into our new digs and in one of them I found a box of caramel corn....it had been opened (for how long I do not know) and some of it was stuck together.  I decided to take a chomp out of the clump of sweet forbidden sugary stuff and lost a big chip out of one of my front teeth!!!  OMG the horror!!! No pain, just a gaping hole in my tooth.  Of course it was the week end but my dentist took me in on tue. and gave me a temp. 'fill' job.  Thank goodness because Summer takes some awfully close pictures!
So anyway, yesterday was # 8 and it was nice and mellow.  The doctor was running late but no worries. Summer and Dominic showed up just as I was getting hooked up. He is so gorgeous! He and papa Mark had a great time while my eldest child and I got caught up on stuff.  
There was a new young man getting his treatment....have never seen him before...hmmm.  His wife and daughter were working on the community puzzle and he slept.  He has testicular cancer.  He gets his treatments daily! I can't remember for how long but I think I heard that he has been coming there for a week.  
My hair seems to be getting thicker and longer.  I blew it dry yesterday to see if it would puff up a little but nope.  I am amazed at all of the crazy cow licks. Holy moly, when it gets longer I hope that it does not just stick straight out.  Oh well, I think I can pull that look off ok.  Crazy seems to suit me ;)  
I have started a baby afghan for baby Jonah and I love to crochet and pray for him while I sit and relax.  I did the same thing when I made one for Autumn.  I like to think that every stitch was a prayer for her and I am doing the same for Jonah.  After that I will make one for Julianna, Logan, and Dominic.  Looks like I will be relaxing ALOT this winter.  
This afternoon I am making tamales.  I always think of my mom when I make them because I watched her like a hawk as she made hers.  She could not tell me measurements only a little of this and a little of that and a whole lot of lard!!!  I guess I am only cooking the pork this afternoon because I can't find my corn husks.  
Lots a whole lot of nothing in this blog...EXCEPT  that my Lord is faithful and has kept me cradled in his mercy.
PS  Mark's mom, sister and her husband AND David (his brother) were here to visit and we had a wonderful time with them.  We are blessed to have great family.  Thank you Roy and Sandy for driving all the way from New York to pick up your mom and David in South Dakota AND THEN drive them here!  Wow.  True servers.
Next week # 9!!!!!

Pictures

Round two #8

Look at all this hair!

Bling shoes!

Bling earrings and wavy crazy hair...with black bangs!

All done for the day, time to unhook the port.

they have a good system and a great relationship with Nurse Deanna, it all goes real smooth.

A pink bandaid for Breast Cancer? Number 8 in the bag!

Dad and Dom have a system too, they walk and walk while we visit:)

# 7 down only 5 more!!!

Well, this is how good I have felt since my treatment yesterday...I forgot to blog this morning before I went to do a few volunteer things.
Yesterday was very uneventful (not complaining) but last night was a very restless night.  I am not sure if it was because Dr. M tweeked the anti nausea cocktail because I was getting some pretty nasty headaches.  He thought that it might be because of one of the meds in the chemo because other people were complaining of headaches.  Whatever it was, I did not sleep much and have not felt the need for a nap today.  So maybe it will be early to bed for me tonight.  
Yesterday I finally asked the good doctor if I was in remission or what?  He answered that he did not like to say remission but that he felt that I am cured (healed?)  He said that we are really just making sure that 'we' get any stray cancer cells that had gotten out of the breast area and into my body in other places. 
He was very pleased with how well my battle scars are healing and how well I am doing myself.  The dark days that sometimes visit me are normal for the regiment that they have put me through he explained.  
He said that the ladies that have breast cancer , stage 1, may come in for a lumpectomy and take a pill and say 'that was no big deal' are right!  Mine was stage 3B and so I got the whole enchilada! That sounds like the old one upping doesn't it?  Kinda like comparing child birth stories. OMG!
The lady that was there last week was in fact there yesterday and she glanced over at me when she walked into the waiting room but she did not look at me again.  I said 'Hi" anyway.  She had a friend with her and it did my heart good to see that she was not alone this week.  
I am feeling a little sad that my weekly visits to such great people are almost over.  I have a tendency to attach myself to people and so sad when it is time to say good bye.  See, I am already getting out of today.  I will see them all again for my 3 month visits.  
I am thinking that I will become close to the next group of people that will take care of me during my radiation.  Dr. M keeps warning me that THAT will be the time that I will be very fatigued.  Maybe not!  Keep praying all ya- all! 
My hair is getting so much longer and wild cowlicks are starting to make an appearance so I will have to learn how to use hair gel.  My eyelashes have pulled their vanishing act again except for the out side edges.   I am sure hoping that my hair does not fall out next.  I have so enjoyed not wearing a wig or a baseball cap.
I am really hoping that my energy is this high as we are expecting Mark's mom, brother, sister and her husband this Sunday for a little visit.  They will be here until Tue.  Have plans for bbq and just visiting with them while they are here.  
Thank you for your prayers and comments and I will keep up on my blogging.  I am very blessed to have you all out there praying for me and sending me good thoughts.  
BLESSINGS TO ALL OF YOU!

# 6 and I am halfway done!

Well everyone, the sadness has passed! In fact it was gone by Monday.  I guess the devil just flew past and took a poke at me...NOT FUN!   Any way, I went to Lewistown on Tue. to get a massage from Summer and thoroughly enjoyed the day with her and Autumn and Dominic.  Dana came home for lunch so he could watch the babies while I got my massage.  I was able to stay for awhile and then I stopped in on the COS before I went to visit my dear friends, Curt and Noreen.  The COS (crazy old sponsor) and I got a huge laugh over the way our lives have spit us out...old and dilapidated!!!!:)But we were laughing like only those of us who have survived a life threatening addiction can laugh...with much gratitude.  
I came home with 3 great looking books to read  from Curt and Noreen's and I am also going to start crocheting again while I recline through the rest of my treatments.   I need to be doing my part at staying healthy.  Resting sounds like it is on the agenda for me from now on.   
Dr. M told me today that my blood count is low and that if it gets much lower we are not going to keep going with the chemo. We will need to take a break because I am now anemic as well from it. Then he said "Wait! there is one more thing that I can do to raise your blood count."  Yay, so it sounds like I will be getting some kind of blood 'booster' shot so that I don't go into the danger zone.  Mark kept himself busy putting warm blankets on me and the other two ladies that were in the chemo ward in my section.  There was a new lady getting her first treatment and it felt good to sort of walk her through it and encourage her to not be afraid.  The lady across the room was sort of distant acting and would not make eye contact but she was bald so I knew that she was not a newbie.  I noticed that she was wiping away tears once in awhile so I finally jumped in on her quiet moment when I asked loudly across the room " how many more do you have left?"  The look she gave me was almost spooky but she asked back "are you talking to me?"  me: "yes" (smiling and thinking, I come in peace...) she answered rather curtly " five, normally I go to Benefis.  I don't know why the hell I bother, I have a blood disease as well and I am very sick". me: ' Some days are really hard aren't they?  I had a very weepy day on Friday and could not quit crying"  she nodded her head and then she laid back in her recliner which I took to mean-ok lady be quiet, I am done talking.
She did not sit up again.  BUT...you knew this was coming...when I was done with my treatment she was still there and I went over and laid my hand on her shoulder and said quietly, " I will be praying for you." She kept her eyes closed for a moment and then she looked at me sideways and said ' thank you.... thank you."  She closed her eyes and I prayed silently as I walked away. 
Yesterday Curt and Noreen and I were talking about how God allows us to go through things to help other people...I am thinking that I just saw this today in the chemo ward. I pray that I get to see her next week. I don't know her name but God does! 
Next week I get a rough draft letter that I can send to our 'powers that be' in Helena concerning the drug companies that are not making as much of the generic chemo that works as good as the more expensive ones.  Dr ?  is writing the info for me and he told us some very sad stories of cases where it has been life and death for some people.
  A side bar-- he feels that my surgery saved my life and that the chemo is just a precaution to clean up any loose 'ends' that may have escaped. 
This blog could go on for quite awhile so will stop it now. Lots happened today and I met lots of new survivors that had never said a word to me before in the waiting room.  Maybe I looked a little pinched before I had my 'meltdown'. 
To Our God be the Glory

A moment or two of insanity?

Whatever black cloud that has come over me for the last day and a half is almost gone.  I know that some of you out there are aware of those dark days that come over us for no reason.  Yesterday I came home from my day of volunteering at Set Free Ministries because I had neuropathy in my feet and in two of my fingers.  It seemed to be getting worse and I had been advised to elevate my feet so I figured that I could do that at home.   I guess I chose to believe that it was Gods' way of making me sit down and enjoy just 'sitting'.  However,  I was totally unprepared for the feelings of deep dark something to settle in with me.  Do any of you remember that song that says 'I've been through the desert on a horse with no name'...That's sort of the feeling that I had.  Where do these come from?  This morning I was not much better even after I had a good nights sleep!  I was worse than angry, I was very sad.  Overwhelming sadness.  Nothing had changed except that it was a new day and I was helpless over the waves of sadness and the tears that spilled over my eyelids.  My little dog Bella never left my side and she kept looking at me with her gorgeous brown eyes and would whimper every once in awhile.  I wish she could tell me what she knows....I am certain that she was telling me  some remedy but I do not speak 'Pomeranian'.  I know that many people have told me to call if I ever need to 'vent' but honestly,  I felt too tired to even know where to start....and quite honestly, I did not feel like talking to anyone (so I turned my cell phone off.)
Is this the moment that Dr. Deb said would come when my brain would feel like mush?  Wow, I get the feeling that the really interesting stuff is just about to begin. I confess that I let my eyes drift away from the Lord and I tried desperately to fix it myself. When I stopped trying to figure it out and just cried out to Him, I finally felt a little relief.  Summer text(ed) me a prayer and that made me cry all over again but the release was what I needed.
I have been over my gratitude list and I have done all of the things that I have learned to do over the years and nothing seemed to help.  This chemo fog (if this is what it is), is a whole new rodeo for me. 
But it is not new for the Lord my God and to Him I am clinging!  Get on your prayer bones Flashlights and Firefly because I WAS in trouble but now am needing strength to get back up again. I am a little wobbly but I think I can, I think I can....

Week # 5 for chemo

Last Friday I announced to my friend Carol that I was going to act like a chemo patient and take the day off on Saturday.  It has gotten to be kind of a joke that I am going through the motions of getting treatments , not to mention mastectomies, but am still doing what I usually did.  Just not at the same pace as before.  ANYWAY, since I said that,  I have had a deep ache in my hip joints and also a headache has taken up residence. Also when I fall asleep, I wake up at 2 or 3 and toss and turn so I get up and EAT what ever I can find in the dark....lately it has been graham crackers and milk...yum.
Honestly though I have been feeling a wall of fatigue starting to build up around me.  I have managed to climb over it because I felt like it was in my head and I do not want to whine and complain...I am a very good martyr when need be ;)  Aren't I wonderful? (wink - wink) My toes have begun to feel numb but not tingly.
SO!  Today when I weighed in, the scales tattled on my middle of the night grazing.  I gained 2 pounds since last week! Fatty! The nurses were so cute when they said 'oh but we don't want you to lose weight'.  What a set up for me....Wow! It does not get any better than that!
Dr. M seemed a little concerned when I told him about my toes. He said that I need to keep my feet elevated (like when I rest...snicker) and that if the numbness continues or gets worse we may have to take a break.  PLEASE pray that I don't have to take a break.  I would like to get on with this but I realize that it is all in God's hands.  If I have to take a break , I will take a break...simple as that. 
He also said that there is a shortage of the chemo that they are using on me and other ones as well, not just the one I am getting.  He said that they work great but that they are not the most expensive that is available so the drug companies are not making the money on certain chemo that is made so they are not making much!  AMAZING!  He told us to write to our senators, congressmen and representatives and complain.  He was on quite a roll today.
I am healing up nicely and am still doing my physical therapy here at home.  My hair is getting longer and I can see shades of black coming in.  I am still waiting for the long curly eyelashes :(  
Pray for Mark, he is moving rather slowly and he had a small episode before  our walk last Saturday. I realize that he is very worried for me and that keeps me trying to 'act as if' all is well with me.  My faith is still strong and I know that nothing happens to me that has not gone through the Father.  So I will continue to care for my husband and know that the Lord is taking care of both of us.  Keep praying ya'll!  
ALL things are possible to those who believe.
 

# 4 ( but who is counting?)

I sailed through # 4 chemo today except Nurse Deanna could not draw blood from my port which is not a big deal but she was a little puzzled because we tried all of the ''tricks".  
I had made a couple of fruit pizza's last night and took one into the chemo staff! I must say that it was quite gorgeous!  Lots of strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, and mandarin oranges ( they were the big flower in the middle)and raspberries.  We ate the smaller of the two pizzas last night before bed and I polished off the left over sugar cookie dough.  The spirit of Wild Woman was in the cockles of my mind but I kept ignoring her :)  shoo fly don't bother me came to mind.  Maybe she won't read this.....She did say I have choices...;)
ANYWAY, I woke up with a sugar headache and I could feel that I was a little puffier around my middle and face. Immediately I start plotting...hmmm, how can I NOT look like I gained weight this morning?   I decided that my wig must weigh close to a pound, socks weigh something, long pants weigh a little more and  I know!!!...NO JEWELRY !   Yep, you guessed it!  I wore a hat, no wig and I took the hat off before I climbed on the scale.  I would have stood there buck or butt (which is it anyway) naked if I could have.  I gained half a pound  :(
My shoes matched, I would have taken those off except that my big toe nails are gone and they look gross.  My feet look like Hobbitt feet except no hair on the knuckles.  Ugly.
I wish I could say that everyday is a wonderful day but I would be lying.  There are days as of late that I feel a little fatigued and I have had some sores in my mouth.  I have been gargling with soda/salt water and the sores are almost gone.   The dr. asked me today if I have been feeling any tingling in my feet or hands and I have not.  She was very happy to hear that.  Nurse Deanna told me that people do lose their hair with the chemo that I am receiving but sometimes they don't.
I jumped on 'sometimes they don't'. 
I am growing tired of putting something on my head but it is not a big deal and I certainly am not complaining because God has been so faithful and kind to me.  I am at peace with my life but I tell you what, sometimes I have to read off a gratitude list because my human condition is very fickle and ungrateful.  Forgive me Father.
Oh yes,  my blood pressure is high this week so Mark and I really do need to start walking.  He for his back and me for my bp.  I also need to let go of things and people that I have no control over.  
I have had a really good week and I wish that I could take the time to name all of the people that have blessed me with some random act of kindness or an encouraging word but the list would be way long. 
Some highlights however were:
Wild Woman came in to Set Free and we had such an awesome visit...I felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders just by visiting with her. 
Good visit with the COS (my crazy old sponsor from Lewistown).  Almost 28 years ago she kept me sane and sober for just another 24 hrs.  
Some really good belly laughs with my sister (the poser bad ass) and of course my two beautiful daughters that give their old mom a reason to keep fighting this disease.
AND guess what, I have almost perfect use of my left arm!  
My physical therapist said that tomorrow will be my last visit with her!!! PTL!!!  
1 John  5:14-15
It is because of all of your prayers!  Thank you! Love you all and good night!

3 chemo treatments down - 9 to go

Off we went to Sletten, I was feeling a little tired but knowing that this will be my routine for awhile I am able to make the 15 min. drive to be poked and prodded.
I thought that I looked fairly cute in my cute capris and tank top and little sweater with cute little brown shoes with a brown bow on them. My wig looked exceptionally attractive as I styled it differently and my earrings were to die for...No vanity here but it does keep trying to make a reappearance.
ANYWAY, Mark and I are sitting in the waiting room and I am reading yet another cancer survivor magazine and I cross my legs and uncross them which is what I do when I am trying to wait patiently. All of a sudden all of the lights go out and the city of Great Falls is in a black out.
I get called to the back where there is a generator I am thinking because there were lights back there.  Sue put me in a room to wait for nurse to access my port.  I am all alone and I look down at my feet and I notice...Hey, I thought I had brown shoes on with a bow....I put my right foot out and sure enough there was the brown shoe with a bow on it....bring my left leg out and ....THIS IS A BLACK SHOE!  No bow and it has a little heel, my brown is flat!  Did I not notice that I walked funny?  Mark said that he noticed it in the waiting room but did not want to say anything to me.  I busted out a huge GUFFAW of laughter and brought a few nurses in to find out what sort of spell had come over me!  Everybody rolling around on floor with laughter :)  So next is Dr. M's office where he has to check me in the dark with the door open and he has a  med student with him.  He checks the usual stuff but this time he has me pull my feet out so he can check for edema on my ankles....yep, you guessed it...he kept looking at my feet. He even got down a little closer because I  think that he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him because of the dark.  More laughter...He said, "they don't even LOOK kind of alike...chemo brain". Too funny. Off to chem I go.
Chemo was very uneventful.  My faithful Mark was there and we visited for awhile before I dozed off.  Then I woke up and we talked some more.  We are so grateful to have one another for this incredibly difficult journey that has been so blessed with peace and grace.  Not only do we look different but we truly feel different than we did when we were married almost 29 years ago.
There were so many really rough roads for us and we just kept hanging on to one another hoping that it would get better.  Hope and Faith are God's crowbars.
Hope and Faith will get us through this because God knows that we are trusting Him and Him alone.
Have a great nights sleep flashlights and firefly.  I love you all.
 

Play date with some grandbabies

Dominic 6mnths

making tortillas

Julianna 3yrs

Logan 2yrs

"Hang on kiddos!"

Cheese!
Autumn 2yrs, Logan and Julianna

Ryan

eat your heart out Martha Stewart

Chemo # 2

Mark and I went to my appt ready to sleep the day away...I got whisked in to the chemo room  by ' bad port karma nurse" and she said 'don't worry I am not going to access your port, we are getting one of the chemo nurses to do that'.  I got the feeling ever so slightly that she is scared of trying to access my port.   I felt bad for her, so next week I am going to take her a little card or a treasure of some sort.  I think that I have a little more work on my co-dependency issues :)  I got Debbie and she has done chemo nursing for 15 years as well.  She does not take it personally when she has someone that she has bad 'port karma' with.  Nice lady. I think that it is kind of like we all have some one that we just don't click with for some reason.  Nurse Sue just does not click with my port! HA!
Dr. M lowered my adavan dosage in my chemo cocktail so I did not lose the whole day sleeping.  I slept while I was there and I felt like I had a nice nap when we left.  Nurse Deanna gave me my treatment.  Mark and I went to lunch and then came home to take our naps;)  I got up and mowed the lawn with Julianna and kept working out side for awhile.  Then I rested in my swing and read some of my book.
God is faithful Flashlights and Firefly!  I do not feel sick or even tired.  Dr. M said once again ( like he wants me to remember )  that the chemo may gang up on me in a month or two and that I may get very fatigued but he is glad that ( in his words) I am high energy and that I seem to be tolerating the treatment very well.  (wink wink). It is all the Lord and His mercy.
I hope my energy keeps up as we have Mark's family coming to visit at the end of the month and the beginning of Sept. If not, Mark is on his own.  :) 
Today was a good day just like last week was.
I got this text from one of my flashlights this morning:   YOU SHALL FORGET THE DAYS OF ILLNESS IN THE JOY OF VICTORY, BUT I YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR SHALL MYSELF BECOME YOUR VICTORY.
Awesome!

Day after chemo

It went not so badly!  Blood work was good, am still a little anemic but Dr. M said that it is probably from the first chemo and surgery that I just went through.  Also, he said to take it easy on myself, the feeling of sadness that sweeps over me sometimes is also part of the package deal from all of the 'stuff' that my body has gone through. 
He checked my incision and said that I am healing nicely.  I really am feeling better and better every single day.  I am itching to get into the dirt and beat the tar out of some weeds that have invaded my hollyhocks!  No kidding, there are some weeds that are as tall as some of the plants.  I am not able to pull or carry things but I sure can cut stuff down with my pruning sheers!
My new chemo is called Taxol (I think that is the correct spelling)  it is not supposed to be as hard to take as the other concoction that I was given so I am encouraged by that.  Only fatigue is expected the doc said.  HOWEVER...some people have what is call infusion reaction or infusion something or other and what that means is basically it is an allergic reaction.  If I felt back pain or itching or difficulty breathing, I was to let them know so they could stop it  immediately. 
WHAT...seriously?  Of course my 'Joe Cool - I am strong like bull ' person said to him "ok, I will let the nurse know if I feel any of those".  Barney Fife was just about to jump out as I walked out of the dr. office.  
I asked for nurse Deanna practically the minute that I walked in the door and I got her!  She explained it all so kindly and I could feel my stress level come down so far that I hardly feel when she accessed my port practically pain free.( I said practically)
The only reaction that I had was that it knocked me on my butt!  I remember when Summer and Dominic came in but I don't even remember when Whitney got there.  I practically slept the whole time!  Nice!  I feel badly that I could not visit with my family.  I was higher than a kite!!!  I came home and slept all day and night.  
Today, I feel a little slow but not incoherent ;)  
How's that for answered prayer?  Thank you all and only 11 of these bad boys to go...they did say that some people can get this infusion reaction on the second or third round but not to worry about it.  Ok...one more thing on my prayer list not to worry about.  How awesome is our God?  The list is never too long for Him.
Today is a very busy day starting out with my support group and following that up with yet another dr. appt and physical therapy. Other stops that I will make but all is well here at the Meis house hold.  Oh yes, I will squeeze in a nap as well. 
Jeremiah 33:3  The Message
Call to me and I will answer you.  I will tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.

First of 12

This morning is the first of my next 12 rounds of chemo.  Is that the right way to say this? Is each dose considered a round?  I feel a little tired this morning.  I think it is sort of a defeated feeling which I don't like.  I have praise music on while I swig down my energy drink :)  This is a daily thing for me as I do my 'stuff' on the computer.  The music I listen to is scripture on cd and it is very calming for my spirit.  The one that is playing now says " I rise before dawn and I cry for help. I have put my hope in your word" I LOVE IT!
My next three days are pretty appt. filled.  I also get fitted for the stocking thingy that I will wear on my left arm where all of the lymph glands were taken out.  I guess I need it in case I get lymphedema. 
Very interesting.  Need to research lymphedema.  I just know that it is not good and I was given massage lessons to manage it.  
Summer and Dominic are coming from Lewistown to sit with me, Whit and Mark while I get my chemo treatment.  We may sit out in the solarium.  Sletten Cancer Institute is a beautiful facility and it is very homey. It will be my 'haunt' for the next 12 Wednesdays.  
I will hide myself in the Lord and I will be just fine...He has shown me so much mercy in my past and this is no different.  He will shelter me from evil. 
Get your batteries charged Flashlights because the fun begins again and I am a little weary.  The floodgates of tears are just about to burst and I am relying totally on prayers and the love of my friends and family.  
Here I go...I have a little of the Barney Fife look ....but I will survive this next step to my recovery.
Love you all!

I went to my breast cancer support group yesterday because I felt that I really needed to be with some ladies that are going through this same journey that I am on.  There was a new lady there and I knew her from several years ago.  A real blast from the past!  The look of fear/confusion/disbelief on her face was all too fresh in my mind.  She did not recognize me at first.  She said she recognized my smile...really? ....do I look that different?....oh yes, I do.  When she knew me I was 20 lbs. thinner and had tons of long dark hair and no glasses (and I had boobs :)  
The meeting was awesome because there were several ladies that were many years cancer free.  They were volumes of information.  The new lady kept asking me questions because she has not had her mastectomy yet and no chemo either.  I mean she literally JUST found out her diagnosis.  She kept asking me questions that I had asked and I felt strange hearing myself share my experience because I am so new myself.   When I was driving home I realized that my journey has only just begun but already the Lord is showing me that none of this will be in vain.  I must share my experience strength and hope in this as well.  
My hair is growing back and it is white peach fuzz.  I am thinking that I will probably lose that with the 12 weeks of chemo that are coming up. 
I am feeling ever so blessed to have the husband that I have, especially after hearing that one of the ladies in our group is going to be left alone as her partner does not think that he can handle living with a woman with one breast!  I was dumbfounded  when I heard this!
The raw emotions and honesty in this group is beyond words and I can only say that I am humbled to be a member of this amazing group of women. 
Dana and Summer and babies will be here tonight.  It is Logan's birthday Monday and we are celebrating it tomorrow.  Two years old already!  I will be here when he is celebrating his 30th and beyond!  Holy Cow, I will be an old fart!
HA! 
 

Mark and I had a wonderful weekend visit with Summer and Dana and Autumn and Dominic!!! I also got to visit with Vickie and Wendy and Curt and Noreen and RELAX in between ;)
 When we got home, we were in for such a great surprize as some of our friends had gotten together and put up kitchen cupboards and our new home is getting closer to completion.  I was blown away with how awesome it turned out.  I was in on the secret as everyone wanted to surprise Mark but I had no idea how great it was going to look! Mark was deeply moved and it was fun to see that we had finally surprised him with something.  He is the hardest person in the world to get 'one over on'. Thank you does not even come close to saying how grateful we are for this incredible act of kindness.  Summer and Whitney were in the middle of all of this so it all fell into place perfectly.
So, I drove myself to physical therapy this morning and I think that it went well.  I like the girl that is helping me and she was very informative about what is going on with my arm and about how all of the lymph nodes and etc. work.  The exercises don't seem too impossible and I am not to ever have blood drawn from my left arm and do not take blood pressure there either and yadda yadda yadda...After the great events over the week end and all of the emotions of gratitude and love, what is this dark cloud that came out of nowhere and settled in for a little bit?  I so hate it when my mind takes off into the abyss of negative feelings that sneak up on me.  My life is so blessed and I truly feel that I am highly favored by God so what the heck was I getting my panties in a bundle over?  Who knows?  My mind went koo koo without the koo koo juice and I ran with it...Poor Whitney.  She and Summer can sense when their mother's head is beginning to spin. Whit lives here though so she gets to see when I am certifiable. Even if my pupils are pin points and my lips are pursed, thank goodness I have learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts to myself.
We raked the yard together and started talking about 'what ever' and the mood seemed to lift. 
Wish I could blame it on the heat or something  but the only thing that I can change is how I react to moments like this.  If I really get honest, I think that I got a little (ok, alot) ticked off at how my life is SO NOT like I thought it would be at 61 :(   Yes, I know...some of you out there can relate...but, when I really think about it, it is exactly as it is supposed to be :)  But boy it is not easy to keep rolling with the punches. 
There, I feel so much better...sorry if I was a Debby Downer there for a minute... I have climbed back in the saddle and I am hanging on for the ride again :)
clomp, clomp, clomp....here I go....I'm not riding very fast but I'm  a going. Giddy up old gray mare.

Free at last!

I had my drain tubes taken out yesterday and I cannot express how free I feel!  If I ever have to have drain bags again I do believe that I will consider keeping them in forever.  OMG!  Hurt! The little nurse that took them out was telling us that when she was new, she had to take out a drain tube from a man that had thyroid surgery and she had to run out of the office to get the dr. to help her.......needless to say, I gasped and quickly thanked God that mine were in my side and not my throat...that prayer was followed quickly with 'help this not to hurt'!  Maybe they didn't hurt as much as they could have so my prayer was answered :)
We are going to Lewistown this afternoon and we get to see our other two grand babies (and Summer and Dana of course). I am also squeezing in visits from some other friends in Lewistown.
I think that I start physical therapy for my left arm next week and maybe get to mow my lawn as well.  So happy to be a little more independent.  I forgot to ask if I can drive.  The minute the clock strikes 8 this morning, I am calling nurse Laurie. 
Oh yes, I almost for got to tell you that on Wednesday I went to my Feel Good Look Better make over at Sletten cancer Institute.  It is offered free of charge to all cancer patients (women) and it was fun.  Companies donate makeup to the cancer society and everything is free.  I got a bag full of makeup ranging from Avon to Shesheido, Clinique, Mary Kay, Bobby Brown, Aveda, and others that I can't remember.  I gave it all away because I sell makeup so ...but the experience was fun.
Very nice that lots of companies take part in this program.  
Prayerfully my drain sites won't leak today like they did yesterday while I was helping Mark with a project....yuck. Hard to look cute when you have seepage coming out of your back and right breast area ;) HA!
Ps. 62:7