Another whirlwind week...I had my stitches taken out on Wed. which is exactly a week from when my port was removed. My scar is itching so I am assuming that it is healing. The stitch removal was super easy and super fast and I floated out of the dr. office feeling that something was different. I even voiced it to Mark. Nope, I have no clue what is different but something is!
We spent a couple of days with Dana and Summer and kids because Autumn had her first dance recital...She was the star (as well as Dana who played Mother Ginger ;) We just got home a little bit ago. Friday was my most favorite day of the 2 and a half days that we were there (after the recital of course) because I had gone to see my COS while the family napped. I had to track her down and in the process I ended up having a little meeting after the meeting with a couple of old mutual friends of Bill W. that I had not seen for a very long time. We ARE ALL GRAMMAS NOW! Where did the time go? It was wonderful! We laughed and laughed at all of the crap we have had to go through in our journey. Sometimes all we can do is laugh, right?
Summer, Mark and I had our own little meeting that morning about how so much had gone on in all of our lives these last 10 months. Life did not get put on hold just because I had cancer...Guess what? We even shed some tears...this family that does not crack under pressure with tears (except Mark, he is very tender hearted and cries easily) shed some pretty serious crocodile tears while we shared our feelings. We like to say that we laid our guts on the table. I realized that healing of a different kind needs to take place for our family. Emotional healing. I am a little afraid because I didn't know that I was walking around so emotionally wounded. I am not going to go into what Summer and Mark said because that is not my place, but I know that I felt raw emotions coming through our conversation. How awesome of a family do I have that we can sit and share from the depths of our gut and have it speak straight from our hearts! I felt like all of this time we thought that we were all staring cancer right in the face yet we were so afraid in the dark recesses of our souls! Too afraid to say " I am afraid that you are going to die" or "are you afraid of dying"? I have to honestly say that I never thought I would die but a few times in the middle of the night I sometimes would think "what am I gonna do if I die?" HA! You die, bird brain!!
The insanity is so obvious to me now but I think that I have to go through a little bit more of the crazies before I can speak with any kind of survivor wisdom. All I know is gut talk and my gut has been asking me lately...where do I fit in? I am fearful of who knows what....there is free floating anxiety all over the place and I feel like I really don't belong anywhere....I guess I didn't plan past one day at a time. This I know... I am alive, and I will live until I die.
I feel so unprepared to take care of Mark and be the wife that he needs. Life keeps happening and tonight is a perfect example. I can choose to see the ugly of a situation that came up or I can choose to understand that Mark is facing his own journey and his does not seem to have an end to it. I choose to 'hold my face up to the light even if for the moment I cannot see' (Bill W.) I MUST believe more deeply. Yes, I am a little bit afraid tonight. I think because I don't have a whole team of doctors and nurses telling me what to do or where to go on a daily basis. I truly am back in the saddle again....however I am sitting off to the side of the saddle about ready to fall off. HA!
I sound like Chicken Little don't I? I do feel better that I got to sound off and spill some of my guts here. 2012 - you are a welcome sight for these tired bones (how's that for a little drama?)
Happy New Year all! God is forever good and faithful! Amen?
Aug.2012
Mark and I ready for Blades wedding
The first ring
Dec. 7 2011
the bell of Victory!
Reading the plaque
Patients ring this bell on their last treatment.
5 comments:
Amen I said AMEN!!! What a healing weekend and an honest one! I have another song for you. It feels good and it makes me feel like I am going to conquer the world:) Tonight I thought "what have I done in this world what is my purpose?what have I done that is great and worth sharing? " Not a bad feeling just a thought, then while listening to the song I will share with you when I get the title, I heard or felt or saw " You are a mom, a wife a daughter and a sister, you are exactly where you are meant to be nothing else in life is this awesome...nothing." Then I drove done the street with a smile knowing that you are okay, I'm okay and Dad is okay. There might be days I don't feel okay but like you, War buddy, have always said "nothing is the end of the world but the end of the world." I love you Mother.
Great words of wisdom big sis!! Life does go on, with or without us.
HAVE MISSED A LOT OF DAYS OF SHARING. WHAT AN AMAZING WARRIOR YOU ARE. THE BEST THING IS IT IS A NEW DAY AND A NEW YEAR. MAY GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU. YOU ALL ARE MIGHTY WARRIORS. THINK OF ALL OF YOU SOOOOO OFTEN. PEACE BE WITH YOU. TIME TO REFLECT AND RENEW. YOU FOUGHT A HARD BATTLE NOW REST. LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU FIREFLY!!!!
Wow! Just look at the awesome growth this family has experienced, enjoyed, endured, survived! You are not the same souls you were a year ago, but more whole, more real, more in the moment, stronger, wiser, more courageous, more loving, closer to each other, more excited about life, just plain MORE! You are more everything!
Julie, there are others who feel just like you, that they don't fit in. That's one of the feelings of PTSD. Everyone who has gone through a traumatic journey feels like that, I think. We look around at others in our life and just feel like we're too different now. Give yourself some grace. Listen to what you need, you as a bodymindsoulspirit. Rest, reflect. continue to journal, share when you want to, let things settle. Get to really know the new you, the survivor. Keep reaching out to us. You're really not all that strange and new. I want you just like you are, as my friend, as always.
I love you all!
Thanks for sharing the journey...your words are from the heart and soul of your life and they feed my heart and soul. Love, Patti
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