Oh my! I must have had way too much fun at my birthday bbq because it has been a tough couple of days for this old bird. I thought maybe I had hit a wall that day but it has proven to be oh so much more than that.
I have been extremely tired - and to top it off, I have had stomach cramps ( blaming the jalapeno slices for that) and generally have felt pretty crappy all over.
This morning as I watched sweet Mark finish our closet, I realized that I STILL have serious trust issues in just about every area of my life. How does one get this old ( 61 and counting thank you very much) and have very little faith in the fact that I am NOT in control of ANYTHING?! I tried to thank Mark for being such an awesome and faithful husband but I could hardly speak because I got so emotional. Damn Chemo side effect....no, I don't think so. I believe I am being 'pruned and tuned' and that the Lord has a mighty plan for this old and pride filled war horse. I guess I have always been a late bloomer ;)
I have not only been physically sick but got blind sided by a subtle soul sick feeling that is familiar but very sneaky. It is a close cousin to self-pity (dang it anyway) and it had it's grip on me. I heard myself say to Mark that it is very hard to just sit and do nothing because I do not anyone to grow tired of me and my neediness...Did you hear that...there it is! Waa waa poopypants! Oh my...
Yes, I have not been at the top of my game - and I won't be for a long while - and yes I will be out of commission for awhile but I will live AND I will rejoice when all of this is over.
Kay called and I actually got to the phone in time...she prayed with me and it was a sweet prayer of encouragement and just what my soul needed this afternoon. My spirit heard , " don't give up! fight...fight and pray and accept that ALL things are possible! Not some things, ALL things!"
Right now I will accept that I need to rest and recover and stay in tune with my Lord and Saviour.
I believe that all of my flashlights are out there praying for me and that without your prayers, I would have gone deeper into the 'pit'. Thank you. Someone was indeed on their knees for me today and heaven heard....and answered.
Aug.2012
Mark and I ready for Blades wedding
The first ring
Dec. 7 2011
the bell of Victory!
Reading the plaque
Patients ring this bell on their last treatment.
5 comments:
Don't worry Julie - what you're going through is normal. You've taken care of yourself and other people for most of your life. Now that you need other people to help, it's a hard thing to accept. It's like you don't believe you would actually need help because you are you. Believe me I KNOW what you're feeling. The hardest thing for me has been to accept that I can't do everything for everyone and they have to do for me. Plus my disease still has such a stigma that it has kept me isolated. But, once you accept that you are just a flawed human being who has strived for perfection all your life and been the caregiver instead of the care recipient, then you will see with new perspective the people in your life who love you unconditionally and are willing to be there for you just like you have been for them. It's tough, especially with the side effects from medication. (And to think that we actually used to love being chemically altered for recreational purposes!) Accept the love and help that God has chosen to give you. I try to remember that every day, but some days are better than others. I am so grateful to have you and Rachel that I can talk to and who I know don't judge me. Keep up the faith, and I'm sending you a hug and a kiss in my mind.
I hope I can always be one of your "flashlights" Julie. I can always tell when to pray harder because you become silent. Love you
We love you so much Mom. We will never tire of you. We always want to help, are always praying and here when you need us. For ANYTHING! You are so amazing. Always going. Remember to rest. I love you Mama!
When I think of the times that I have been in self pity, I look at it now thinking how lame I am. I pray you have a restful night and a blessed day tomorrow.
OMG My mother is human! She can not carry the world on her shoulders! Praise to Jesus you have seen the light Mama:) You are stronger still just for sharing your thoughts. I remember when you told me to walk around the house saying NO, hell no, no way! Uh uh, nope, no can do, sorry no, no no no. It's a fun exercise:) Love you, see you soon!
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