Happy Valentines day! Today is the day! Well, maybe this evening is or maybe tomorrow but I am one step closer to squaring off with one of my unrealistic fears....I am making cut out sugar cookies!!!! I have only made them (or attempted to make them) once in all of my life. It was a disaster!!! As I recall, the making of the dough took way too long and I had a terrible time getting the dough out of the cookie cutter. This year I bought a very pretty, bright red, heart shaped cookie thingy. My life has been a little on the busy side so I did not get the cookies made before Valentines day. I had grandiose plans of gifting my little treasures on this day but obviously I have found other things to do to keep me away from my fear of failure.....like blogging when I have nothing of interest to share :) See how this works....procrastinate long enough and I don't make Valentine cookies until next year. However the dough is made and it was remarkably easy. It is now in the refrigerator for 3 hours as per the recipe. Let's see, that will be after my bedtime which is 10:00 and I still need to roll out the dough AND then cut them out AND bake them! Way too late! I DO need to take care of myself and get a good nights rest. Yes, that excuse is perfect!
HEY! Fruit pizza! I use sugar cookie dough for that! Easy peasy....or.....I could cut out Easter egg cookies :(
Maybe shamrocks for St. Patrick's day....how long does cookie dough last in the frig?
A very peace filled day today. Oh how I wish I could bottle my peace and share it. God has given me another chance at this life and "live it" I must do! So many hurting people and that burden is not for me to carry. I need to lay all of this that scurries around in my head at the foot of the cross. God is the only one that can do ALL things. What a relief that is...
I need to go and ponder what I will do about the cookie dough that is calling out to me from the refrigerator.
Again, Happy Valentines day to you all!
Aug.2012
Mark and I ready for Blades wedding
The first ring
Dec. 7 2011
the bell of Victory!
Reading the plaque
Patients ring this bell on their last treatment.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
What a month this has been! Mark and I have been cleaning out Steve's apt. and putting some of his things in storage so his kids can go through them at a later date.
Steve's funeral service was packed with so many people that he had touched in one way or another. Mark and I were asked to be 2 of the pall bearers. We were honored to help carry his earthly body to its resting place.
It still seems very unreal to me that we will not see him here again.
One morning I woke up with the thought that it is time to move on. I think it was the morning after we had finished cleaning his place and gone out to dinner in his honor. We were all pretty grubby but we did not care because we were finally DONE! We took turns sharing stories of the outrageous stuff that we have experienced at the hands of Steve Seidel ;) Once in a while I would notice that someone would get a little misty eyed but quickly recovered with another belly laugh.
Anyway, the morning after, I felt that it was time to 'look to this day for it is good '.
Tonight Mark and I are playing grandma and grandpa and it will be fun! Life does go on and guess what? So does Love. Our love will go on for Steve even if he is not here with us physically.
Our new digs are coming along nicely and my sister is working on some tile designs for the back splash around my kitchen counter. Sounds very ethnic! I have chosen to throw in a little Mexican flair here and there...surprized? I have absolutely no artistic imagination so I am sort of at her mercy....which I hate. I am the big sister you know.
In a couple of weeks I go in for some blood work to see if all of the cancer cells were killed with the treatments. I am confident that they are dead as dead can be but I guess I will have to go in every 6 months for check ups for a while.
I am not feeling 100% yet but pretty dang close! There are daily reminders that I have been through quite a battle and that I cannot get complacent about my recovery.
Guess I gotta get off of this because I just lost a very witty paragraph and I can't remember what it was. Wonder where it went? I pressed the wrong key maybe.
My grand babies are ALL gorgeous...all five of them!
Good night all!
Steve's funeral service was packed with so many people that he had touched in one way or another. Mark and I were asked to be 2 of the pall bearers. We were honored to help carry his earthly body to its resting place.
It still seems very unreal to me that we will not see him here again.
One morning I woke up with the thought that it is time to move on. I think it was the morning after we had finished cleaning his place and gone out to dinner in his honor. We were all pretty grubby but we did not care because we were finally DONE! We took turns sharing stories of the outrageous stuff that we have experienced at the hands of Steve Seidel ;) Once in a while I would notice that someone would get a little misty eyed but quickly recovered with another belly laugh.
Anyway, the morning after, I felt that it was time to 'look to this day for it is good '.
Tonight Mark and I are playing grandma and grandpa and it will be fun! Life does go on and guess what? So does Love. Our love will go on for Steve even if he is not here with us physically.
Our new digs are coming along nicely and my sister is working on some tile designs for the back splash around my kitchen counter. Sounds very ethnic! I have chosen to throw in a little Mexican flair here and there...surprized? I have absolutely no artistic imagination so I am sort of at her mercy....which I hate. I am the big sister you know.
In a couple of weeks I go in for some blood work to see if all of the cancer cells were killed with the treatments. I am confident that they are dead as dead can be but I guess I will have to go in every 6 months for check ups for a while.
I am not feeling 100% yet but pretty dang close! There are daily reminders that I have been through quite a battle and that I cannot get complacent about my recovery.
Guess I gotta get off of this because I just lost a very witty paragraph and I can't remember what it was. Wonder where it went? I pressed the wrong key maybe.
My grand babies are ALL gorgeous...all five of them!
Good night all!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Life truly is but a vapor
Our brother and our friend went in for emergency open heart surgery yesterday. He was a young man of 55 and now a days (to me anyway) open heart surgery is an every day occurrence! His words were, " I guess my aorta is leaking into my chest and they need to do a little valve replacement. I will be here for about a week. " He did not make it through the surgery and we are all in a state of shock! The waves of gut wrenching sobs just keep coming. They are inter mixed with the laughter of memories of this dear person that one minute you could wring his neck and the next there was nothing but love for the kindness that came from him. I like to think of him as the little cartoon character, Pigpen, in the Peanuts cartoon.... He would laugh at this as well. It was common knowledge in our/his family that Steve was 'an accident waiting to happen'. He was like a faithful little mutt that was so happy to be a part of a family that loved and accepted him with all of his little quirks. He did the same for us. No matter how bitchy any of us were, he just kept coming back and with a couple of packages of his homemade baklava....and shallow as we are, all was forgiven :)
A missing piece of puzzle that makes this family what it is ( complicated and very hard to understand) is missing and we are all floundering. We take turns crying and then getting strength from the gales of laughter that escapes from our fond memory of Steve Seidel.
I don't understand this at all and my eyes are swollen from the salt in my tears...God, please help me to understand what the purpose is in this.
I realize that I have depended on this quirky, mischievous, caring man for a lot of things. My main dependence was that he kept tabs on Mark as closely as I did. The roles switched when Mark started having brain seizures. By the roles I mean the one between him and Mark. Mark had always been the 'big' brother and Steve the little one that was forever getting himself into "fixes" that Mark had to get him out of. Steve quickly 'grew up' when Mark needed someone to watch out for him when I wasn't around. He would text me secretly when he had a concern for Mark and I would do the same. Oh, now, DO NOT get me wrong --there were times that I wanted to knock him out--but mostly, he was my little brother and Uncle Steve to my girls and grand kids.
My mom called him 'el hermano' when she lived with us. She considered him part of our pack as well. She loved Steve because he loved us. She loved him because he loved to eat like all of us do : ) She loved him because she thought he was a good man. She loved him because WE loved him.
I did not realize how much we loved him nor how much I love every member of my family and my friends. I do not want to wait until any of you die before I realize that. I am NOT ready to have family gatherings without our brother. I weep because I will not ever see him on this earth again. I smile because I know that he is peace filled and worry free. I am so very happy that I told him that we loved him and that we were all praying for him...my last words to him were....'see you soon' !
So much to process...the veil between life and death. I want to just shake God and ask "WHY!!!" and 'what does this mean?' How much more God? Cool side bar here...today we had to go to Steve's apt. and his bible was on his bed. I took it for a sign (because I like signs) that - it's all good!
Tomorrow is a new day so perhaps I need some sleep because the bible says that "Joy comes in the morning". Amen :)
A missing piece of puzzle that makes this family what it is ( complicated and very hard to understand) is missing and we are all floundering. We take turns crying and then getting strength from the gales of laughter that escapes from our fond memory of Steve Seidel.
I don't understand this at all and my eyes are swollen from the salt in my tears...God, please help me to understand what the purpose is in this.
I realize that I have depended on this quirky, mischievous, caring man for a lot of things. My main dependence was that he kept tabs on Mark as closely as I did. The roles switched when Mark started having brain seizures. By the roles I mean the one between him and Mark. Mark had always been the 'big' brother and Steve the little one that was forever getting himself into "fixes" that Mark had to get him out of. Steve quickly 'grew up' when Mark needed someone to watch out for him when I wasn't around. He would text me secretly when he had a concern for Mark and I would do the same. Oh, now, DO NOT get me wrong --there were times that I wanted to knock him out--but mostly, he was my little brother and Uncle Steve to my girls and grand kids.
My mom called him 'el hermano' when she lived with us. She considered him part of our pack as well. She loved Steve because he loved us. She loved him because he loved to eat like all of us do : ) She loved him because she thought he was a good man. She loved him because WE loved him.
I did not realize how much we loved him nor how much I love every member of my family and my friends. I do not want to wait until any of you die before I realize that. I am NOT ready to have family gatherings without our brother. I weep because I will not ever see him on this earth again. I smile because I know that he is peace filled and worry free. I am so very happy that I told him that we loved him and that we were all praying for him...my last words to him were....'see you soon' !
So much to process...the veil between life and death. I want to just shake God and ask "WHY!!!" and 'what does this mean?' How much more God? Cool side bar here...today we had to go to Steve's apt. and his bible was on his bed. I took it for a sign (because I like signs) that - it's all good!
Tomorrow is a new day so perhaps I need some sleep because the bible says that "Joy comes in the morning". Amen :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Years eve thoughts
Another whirlwind week...I had my stitches taken out on Wed. which is exactly a week from when my port was removed. My scar is itching so I am assuming that it is healing. The stitch removal was super easy and super fast and I floated out of the dr. office feeling that something was different. I even voiced it to Mark. Nope, I have no clue what is different but something is!
We spent a couple of days with Dana and Summer and kids because Autumn had her first dance recital...She was the star (as well as Dana who played Mother Ginger ;) We just got home a little bit ago. Friday was my most favorite day of the 2 and a half days that we were there (after the recital of course) because I had gone to see my COS while the family napped. I had to track her down and in the process I ended up having a little meeting after the meeting with a couple of old mutual friends of Bill W. that I had not seen for a very long time. We ARE ALL GRAMMAS NOW! Where did the time go? It was wonderful! We laughed and laughed at all of the crap we have had to go through in our journey. Sometimes all we can do is laugh, right?
Summer, Mark and I had our own little meeting that morning about how so much had gone on in all of our lives these last 10 months. Life did not get put on hold just because I had cancer...Guess what? We even shed some tears...this family that does not crack under pressure with tears (except Mark, he is very tender hearted and cries easily) shed some pretty serious crocodile tears while we shared our feelings. We like to say that we laid our guts on the table. I realized that healing of a different kind needs to take place for our family. Emotional healing. I am a little afraid because I didn't know that I was walking around so emotionally wounded. I am not going to go into what Summer and Mark said because that is not my place, but I know that I felt raw emotions coming through our conversation. How awesome of a family do I have that we can sit and share from the depths of our gut and have it speak straight from our hearts! I felt like all of this time we thought that we were all staring cancer right in the face yet we were so afraid in the dark recesses of our souls! Too afraid to say " I am afraid that you are going to die" or "are you afraid of dying"? I have to honestly say that I never thought I would die but a few times in the middle of the night I sometimes would think "what am I gonna do if I die?" HA! You die, bird brain!!
The insanity is so obvious to me now but I think that I have to go through a little bit more of the crazies before I can speak with any kind of survivor wisdom. All I know is gut talk and my gut has been asking me lately...where do I fit in? I am fearful of who knows what....there is free floating anxiety all over the place and I feel like I really don't belong anywhere....I guess I didn't plan past one day at a time. This I know... I am alive, and I will live until I die.
I feel so unprepared to take care of Mark and be the wife that he needs. Life keeps happening and tonight is a perfect example. I can choose to see the ugly of a situation that came up or I can choose to understand that Mark is facing his own journey and his does not seem to have an end to it. I choose to 'hold my face up to the light even if for the moment I cannot see' (Bill W.) I MUST believe more deeply. Yes, I am a little bit afraid tonight. I think because I don't have a whole team of doctors and nurses telling me what to do or where to go on a daily basis. I truly am back in the saddle again....however I am sitting off to the side of the saddle about ready to fall off. HA!
I sound like Chicken Little don't I? I do feel better that I got to sound off and spill some of my guts here. 2012 - you are a welcome sight for these tired bones (how's that for a little drama?)
Happy New Year all! God is forever good and faithful! Amen?
We spent a couple of days with Dana and Summer and kids because Autumn had her first dance recital...She was the star (as well as Dana who played Mother Ginger ;) We just got home a little bit ago. Friday was my most favorite day of the 2 and a half days that we were there (after the recital of course) because I had gone to see my COS while the family napped. I had to track her down and in the process I ended up having a little meeting after the meeting with a couple of old mutual friends of Bill W. that I had not seen for a very long time. We ARE ALL GRAMMAS NOW! Where did the time go? It was wonderful! We laughed and laughed at all of the crap we have had to go through in our journey. Sometimes all we can do is laugh, right?
Summer, Mark and I had our own little meeting that morning about how so much had gone on in all of our lives these last 10 months. Life did not get put on hold just because I had cancer...Guess what? We even shed some tears...this family that does not crack under pressure with tears (except Mark, he is very tender hearted and cries easily) shed some pretty serious crocodile tears while we shared our feelings. We like to say that we laid our guts on the table. I realized that healing of a different kind needs to take place for our family. Emotional healing. I am a little afraid because I didn't know that I was walking around so emotionally wounded. I am not going to go into what Summer and Mark said because that is not my place, but I know that I felt raw emotions coming through our conversation. How awesome of a family do I have that we can sit and share from the depths of our gut and have it speak straight from our hearts! I felt like all of this time we thought that we were all staring cancer right in the face yet we were so afraid in the dark recesses of our souls! Too afraid to say " I am afraid that you are going to die" or "are you afraid of dying"? I have to honestly say that I never thought I would die but a few times in the middle of the night I sometimes would think "what am I gonna do if I die?" HA! You die, bird brain!!
The insanity is so obvious to me now but I think that I have to go through a little bit more of the crazies before I can speak with any kind of survivor wisdom. All I know is gut talk and my gut has been asking me lately...where do I fit in? I am fearful of who knows what....there is free floating anxiety all over the place and I feel like I really don't belong anywhere....I guess I didn't plan past one day at a time. This I know... I am alive, and I will live until I die.
I feel so unprepared to take care of Mark and be the wife that he needs. Life keeps happening and tonight is a perfect example. I can choose to see the ugly of a situation that came up or I can choose to understand that Mark is facing his own journey and his does not seem to have an end to it. I choose to 'hold my face up to the light even if for the moment I cannot see' (Bill W.) I MUST believe more deeply. Yes, I am a little bit afraid tonight. I think because I don't have a whole team of doctors and nurses telling me what to do or where to go on a daily basis. I truly am back in the saddle again....however I am sitting off to the side of the saddle about ready to fall off. HA!
I sound like Chicken Little don't I? I do feel better that I got to sound off and spill some of my guts here. 2012 - you are a welcome sight for these tired bones (how's that for a little drama?)
Happy New Year all! God is forever good and faithful! Amen?
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