Our brother and our friend went in for emergency open heart surgery yesterday. He was a young man of 55 and now a days (to me anyway) open heart surgery is an every day occurrence! His words were, " I guess my aorta is leaking into my chest and they need to do a little valve replacement. I will be here for about a week. " He did not make it through the surgery and we are all in a state of shock! The waves of gut wrenching sobs just keep coming. They are inter mixed with the laughter of memories of this dear person that one minute you could wring his neck and the next there was nothing but love for the kindness that came from him. I like to think of him as the little cartoon character, Pigpen, in the Peanuts cartoon.... He would laugh at this as well. It was common knowledge in our/his family that Steve was 'an accident waiting to happen'. He was like a faithful little mutt that was so happy to be a part of a family that loved and accepted him with all of his little quirks. He did the same for us. No matter how bitchy any of us were, he just kept coming back and with a couple of packages of his homemade baklava....and shallow as we are, all was forgiven :)
A missing piece of puzzle that makes this family what it is ( complicated and very hard to understand) is missing and we are all floundering. We take turns crying and then getting strength from the gales of laughter that escapes from our fond memory of Steve Seidel.
I don't understand this at all and my eyes are swollen from the salt in my tears...God, please help me to understand what the purpose is in this.
I realize that I have depended on this quirky, mischievous, caring man for a lot of things. My main dependence was that he kept tabs on Mark as closely as I did. The roles switched when Mark started having brain seizures. By the roles I mean the one between him and Mark. Mark had always been the 'big' brother and Steve the little one that was forever getting himself into "fixes" that Mark had to get him out of. Steve quickly 'grew up' when Mark needed someone to watch out for him when I wasn't around. He would text me secretly when he had a concern for Mark and I would do the same. Oh, now, DO NOT get me wrong --there were times that I wanted to knock him out--but mostly, he was my little brother and Uncle Steve to my girls and grand kids.
My mom called him 'el hermano' when she lived with us. She considered him part of our pack as well. She loved Steve because he loved us. She loved him because he loved to eat like all of us do : ) She loved him because she thought he was a good man. She loved him because WE loved him.
I did not realize how much we loved him nor how much I love every member of my family and my friends. I do not want to wait until any of you die before I realize that. I am NOT ready to have family gatherings without our brother. I weep because I will not ever see him on this earth again. I smile because I know that he is peace filled and worry free. I am so very happy that I told him that we loved him and that we were all praying for him...my last words to him were....'see you soon' !
So much to process...the veil between life and death. I want to just shake God and ask "WHY!!!" and 'what does this mean?' How much more God? Cool side bar here...today we had to go to Steve's apt. and his bible was on his bed. I took it for a sign (because I like signs) that - it's all good!
Tomorrow is a new day so perhaps I need some sleep because the bible says that "Joy comes in the morning". Amen :)
Aug.2012
Mark and I ready for Blades wedding
The first ring
Dec. 7 2011
the bell of Victory!
Reading the plaque
Patients ring this bell on their last treatment.
12 comments:
Oh Julie I am soooo sorry. I was not very close to Steve but we all knew he was a great man. He always did want to help and like you say he was always there when you needed him. Just can't understand life and it's meaning. We all just need to believe. God Bless you and Mark for taking him under your wing. GOODNIGHT AND HEAVENLY DREAMS. FIREFLY:-/
Oh Mom, thank you for your honesty and for teaching Whitney and I to open our hearts even though we don't act like it we did love Steve. Damnit!!! We loved him a lot. I'm so angry right now. I so freakin angry.When you get your answer from God pass it along to me would you? You nailed it when you said no matter how we (I) treated Steve he was always there. he never expected a hug but he gave them anytime it was offered and he gave them with all his heart. I need a cucumber. Or whatever the heck you put on your eyes for puff bags. I hurt for you and Dad I wish I could be there to laugh and cry with you. God truly knows when to just make us (me) stop. He threw down a blizzard. Now I'm rambling. Goodnight. I'm going to go shovel and freeze snot on my jacket. I love you both forever.
I removed your duplicate comment and it makes it look like you wrote something that I did not want to be read. So if anyone is wondering, Summers comment was a duplicate of her first one :)
It's funny when you talked about why Mom loved Steve, I loved Steve because he took such good care of Mark when you were not around and that made me happy. I woke up at 2:19 this am cause of the next door neighbor and I said a prayer for Steve because he was on my mind. I know when I left him in the ER earlier in the day I told him I had to talk to you and give you an update - he knew that he had people that loved him very much waiting for him in Great Falls. I don't know why his death effected me, but like Mom said, he was my brother. I will miss him when I go see you guys and I will remember the last time I was there and he told Mark he was going to give me some baklava without me asking...Feed me and I will love you forever!! Rach
My heart is so heavy for you and Mark! I am still in shock! Thank you so much for sharing your heart again. Smitty and I have done the same today, gone back and forth from laughing at memories of Steve's antics to crying over his being gone. He will be missed but thank you Jesus...it's not goodbye, it's see ya later!! My arms are around you both.
Love you always, Carla
As I read the comments, the crying has started again. I am remembering from the holiday Ry and I got him the shirt that said, "This is What the World's Geatest Uncle Looks Like".,. I knew he'd like it but I didn't know how much! He wore it to every holiday, every kids' birthday... He was so happy and proud to be loved by all of us. I know in my heart that he knew how much we all cared. I feel glad that for the last few years I always made sure to tell him I loved him before parting in person or on the phone. Gosh. Just as the emotions come in waves, so does the shock. I really can't imagine never seeing him on this earth again. I wish my kids would remember him years from now, because he was SO good to them.
Whit
Julie, Words cannot express the sadness within. He was part of the Meis Mob and he will be greatly missed. Our gatherings will not be the same without the fun he provided with funny jokes and his caring attitude. I know he is at peace with Jesus, but we will miss his presence here. Makes one remember to appreciate the relationships we have. To look for the positive and not what we want the person to be like. He was a giving, caring, and sharing person and life will be different for us all. Keeping his family and his extended family in prayer. Bless you and Mark during this time. Luv ya K
My first memory of Steve was at a resturant and I left to go to the restroom...those who know him will know the rest of the story.. I came back to find the taste of salt in my pop! Fun loving and forever faithful to you and Mark. Such a tough hit to take for you and your family. I also remember how much he loved his kids.
Love to all of you, Patti and Tom
I, too, am once again sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. I can't believe we lost a part of the Mob! I know I've been a bit scarce as of late, too, but will always consider the Mob my second family. I pray that the shock of it all will begin to wear off soon. So does my family as I've been a bit crabby tonight! Love you both and have said many, many prayers for you and your entire family!!
Can't believe that he is really gone. I remember a couple years ago we had some cattle that needed to be taken to slaughter so I got a trailer and Steve and I were on our way. So getting the last cow in by itself was a challenge and Steve was trying to hold the gate. The next thing I know Steve is flying across stall with a goose egg on his head. He just jumped right up and didn't miss a beat. I had gotten to know Steve a little better the last couple of years and saw how big his heart was. He truly was a great human being and you will be missed!
Mike& Beth
Mark & Julie,
Thank you so much for having had introduced us to Steven, we loved him right away! He always had a big smile, we will surelly miss him, today I have been thinking about him alot especially at church during worship time and singing about heaven and imagining and thinking Steven is actually already there!!
We pray that God will wrap his arms around you guys at such a difficult time.
My memory of Steve is when he drove us to Womens Aglow in Lewistown, I remember there was an auction, he was the only guy apart from the auctioneer, he didn't seem to be out of place! Here was a guy among a bunch of women and seemed to be very comfortable, that was neat, I thought!
I also remember getting scared because of his driving, he would be pointing at how beautiful the mountains were and at the same time the vehicle was almost veering off the road, I would say Steve please watch you are going off the road!! I noticed Kay and Julie were kind of used to his driving, even though you would also caution him from time to time! I came home and told Emmanuel "Boy Steven really scared me I don't think I will catch a ride with him again!" Though I thought the ride was a bit scary we shared alot of laughter during that ride!
He had such a beautiful smile and his baklava was really yummy, he always would sometimes bring it and privately put it in Emmanuel's. How I wish we come to his funeral, farewell brother Steven, see you in heaven!!
We pray that God of all comfort would comfort you at this very difficult time. I know Steve and Mark were like brothers, I know it is very hard for youright now, HUGS to both of you!!
Love you both,
Janet
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