A sleepy Saturday

It has been a very quiet Saturday and I have slept most of it away. I am amazed at how listless I feel. I made myself go to the store...a different one that I don't go to normally so that I could stop and see Colleen. It was a nice little drive and I got to get the cobwebs out of my head.  I came home to the most beautiful lavender tulips from Theresa and  a gorgeous card to match. She has such a gift for stamping. 
I am sort of playing with this blog thing again as you may or not be able to tell with the change in font. I stepped back for only a minute and it changed ...whatever.
I am so thankful that I have absolutely no nausea nor aches and pains of any kind only tired.
This morning I was up at 3:00 and I felt so energized...crazy steroid frenzie again. But I sure got a lot of things done in my office. I stayed up until 7:30 and then slept for a few hours while Mark and Steve worked on "the bedroom". Carpet layers were here but they were missing a piece of something or other and so they could not finish. It will be Monday before I can sleep in my"healing' room. Although quite honestly, I am healing already. I played some scripture cds that Jack and LeIsla have lent me while I cleaned and worked in my 'cubicle'.  LOVE working at home!!!!
Tomorrow is my birthday and some friends will come over for a bbq so if you have not been asked personally, please stop by because you know that you are invited. I hear that it is supposed to be very nice and sunny so am hoping that is true. 
Another great day in the neighborhood. !!!!!   Jesus reigns!  

Pictures of Chemo round 2 (by Summer)

effects of chemotherapy

 our mother the Trophy

Add caption

Mothers sister and friend Raquel

still laughing

True Love

she climbed over Dad to get in the middle...bonehead

Round 2 of Chemo

VERRRRY LONG day yesterday. My little band of flashlights were with me (Rach, Summer, Whit and of course Mark).  Dr. M had missed his flight from Az. so  everyone was scurrying around trying to figure out what to do with all of us that had appts. with him. When my turn came to see him, all reports were good and he added a different anti-nausea medicine to my treatment.
The day before Yesterday, my friend Noreen called to check on me and told me that they had a great prayer time and that one lady had said that she 'visualized' my good and healthy cells belonging to the Holy Spirit and when the chemo came into my body, that it would only attack the cancer cells! Quite a visual for me! That is what I kept focusing on until.....you knew this was coming.... the Hittites came storming in like they did last week.  I will call them Hittites because there are not supposed to be any more of them in existence.
Last week Summer had to say something to them and this week they came right after she left for Lewistown, so Whit said something to the kid. The mother decides she has a little more pull but she was standing right next to where I am sitting hooked up......Lady, I have been here a very long time and even if I am hooked up to this chemo, YOU have gotten on my last nerve! Of course that is not really what I said, I did not want to ruin my Christian witness but I did say a' little' something to her. The nurse came over and moved them to another room. I think she feared a Mexican/Hittite standoff . Poor nurse said that they go through this with them every week. Really?
The lady was visiting her mom while she waited for  her chemo treatment so I guess she was her moms flashlight. I must remember that everyone has a story....I just really cannot tolerate bullies.
The grandma said 'God bless you and I hope your treatment goes well' as they were marched out of the room.  Oh my....meow....in Spanish...me echo un pedo. .....
Whit said 'Thank you".  :)
2 cor.10:3

MY HAIR !!!!!

Have not blogged because as we all know it gets pretty boring reading boring stuff (especially other people's, so you can stop reading now ;).
This morning Mark and I went to a lumber yard to get some 'parts' for our new digs. Nothing earth shattering happened until I was browsing in the water fountain department! I felt an itch on top of my head so I scratched, and when I looked at my hand...there was a big (I mean BIG) chunk of black hair with gray roots...lifeless!!!  So, that uncontrollable feeling that comes over us when we can't keep our hands off of something - yes that  one - took over!  Immediately I let my hand sneak back  up to my hair and gently 'tugged'... and ...HOLY Mother of God!!!! I quickly looked around just in case some one was watching!   Instantly I realized that I had to do something with this tuft of hair!  I could not just throw it on the floor and there was no trash can in site. I quickly located Mark at the check out stand and went to stand by him.  By   now I feel like I have a bad, bad case of male pattern baldness and am becoming sort of self conscious :) I felt like my crowning glory was dropping off like feathers - in fact I am now (in my head) resembling a new baby bird with the downy feathers all over except for a tiny wispy mohawk!  Vanity, vanity, thy name is JULIE MEIS! HA!
We went out for breakfast after we made our purchases and of course I sat with my back to the wall.
Tomorrow morning at 10:00 is when I go in for my second round of chemo, with a little less hair. But I will be there ....
I choose to dwell on Isaiah 26:3.....yes?

Joy of seeing Lewistown grand babies and oh yes my daughter (snicker)

What emotion is this that came over me when I saw my little Autumn running up to me saying " LaLa, LaLa" over and over again? AND what emotion is THIS that overwhelms me to my very core as  I carefully scoop her up and hold her for what seems like an eternity? Tears immediately fill my eyes and they spill over as I close them to try to hold her even closer. Not tears of sadness nor sorrow, just tears of joy and the feeling of 'THIS' is the reason I want to live and this IS the reason that I will go through  whatever it takes to come back to 100% !  Dominic was so over his car ride that he didn't really care where he was, just get me out! All of my grand children under the same roof...life is good.
Summer looked great as usual and shortly after she arrived, Colleen showed up with coffees for us all. Carol was outside busy gathering up branches in the yard that have collected all winter...snowing here by the way...
We all had a little lunch visit for a couple of hours with Whitney joining us from upstairs and the cousins played for a little while. So fun to watch Julianna and Autumn hug like they had not seen each other for YEARS!
We laughed at silly things and cried over God miracles that have not stopped happening since day one. Did you get that? We were real with one another. We shared more than food...we shared tears and laughter as well.  So much transparency has taken place in my heart and soul that I almost don't recognize my self.  Sad how we live most of our lives wearing silly masks that keep us trapped . Totally speaking of myself of course ;)
In one of my cancer survivor books it talks about how when we can't sleep at night (which is happening nightly) for what ever reason, to think of them as ' God's night classes'.  It is quiet and there is nothing to distract us from communicating with Him.  With all around us dark and silent, we can talk  to Him, and we can listen to what He has to tell us.
Awesome!
My blood work was great - am healthy as a horse ! ! !  I forget how many white soldiers I have  fighting the good fight.  The nurse that was weighing me got very quiet, as did I when the scales said that I had gained 30 plus pounds! She said she was trying to figure out in her head how and why that had happened! We looked over and Mark had little squints in the corner of his eyes and he had his foot on the scale as we were staring at the numbers at the top!  HA! Whew!  I had actually lost 4 pounds. We all had a good laugh and I was greatly relieved to not have to get bigger pants!  Me thinks God's night classes will do something about the vanity I still carry around :)

Blood work in a little bit and will see what else the the good Dr.M has for me this week.  My port is healing quite nicely and am not nauseous. Fatigue plagues my life every few hrs but have figured out if I get lots of my quiet (shhh) chores done between 2 and 4 in the morning during my steroid frenzy, I actually get quite a lot done during the day AND squeeze in a nap or two. 
Every single day Mark walks in from the mailbox with get well cards from friends all over the country.  I am so humbled by them.  My sister (the Rock) is so faithful in sending gifts! I LOVE GIFTS! My love language is gifts can you tell?  Beautiful earrings and necklaces and blouses etc.  Tom and Carol were here today and they took a load of a lot of stuff to Set Free for me. Tremendous load off of my mind.
Yesterday at the Set Free Thrift Shop aka Clothing Room, I had several of my peeps pop in for a visit.  Wild woman was there to help me figure out what to eat and not eat and of course we got lots of laughs when Carol joined us to discuss how our 'maturing' digestive systems react to different foods.  Why do we think that a natural body function is so hilarious?
Mark has finished sheet rocking the master 'suite' and soon will be mudding. Nice. 
Got this hilarious card from Joe F. in Bozeman.  It is of a man stranded on an island and it appears that he is writing a note for help and the bottle that he is going to put it in is behind him and a coconut comes crashing down on it and smashes it!  To most people it would seem that is the way our life has been for many years! Joe shares the same faith in God as we do (and same twisted sense of humor) so he knows too that nothing is too big for our Lord.  HE sees us stranded on our little island and keeps telling us that it is going to be just fine :)
Prov. 18:14 for me today

A 'slight' sidebar

Yesterday I realized that I have not mentioned that the tumor in my left breast went from 4 centimeters to 2.......
BEFORE  they started me on chemo!   Mark , Summer, and Whitney were all witnesses in the doctors office when he told me that.  Wow!  Prayer works!
Yesterday I had a little "outing" with my Bella dog. She was so happy to have me outside that she was squealing! I tried to pick her up but she has wintered too well.  So she settled for me to throw the ball for her to chase.
Much yard work to be done in this huge yard so those of you that have offered...guess what?  First warm day ...I have some dear friends that have offered to be poop scoopers :)
Gotta love friends that will even clean up your doggie doo for you.
For ALL things I am grateful Lord.
James 1:17 for me today

tears?!

I had almost finished my blog for the day and it kicked me out for some reason and I never even uttered a @#$%^.  So I will try again.
This morning has been a very good morning and I think that I am reaching something in my being because out of nowhere I had tears running down my face for absolutely no reason. Not bitter and angry tears, just tears that were from somewhere deep and quiet...you know that place...the ones that we aren't even aware of because they are so quiet and sneaky when they come out. They are very personal and really have no meaning for anyone except the one shedding them. This morning it was me shedding them and they felt like a quiet rain on a terribly parched heart. They were like little chrystals of light in my heart and I felt so safe and at peace. I truly believe that the Lord was ministering to me while I was cleaning out an old plant that had been neglected over the last few months. I just happened to be in the room that my mother lived in while she stayed with us and I felt like her just staying busy doing something to pass the time and not feel sick and useless.  I miss her so much today.  I would hug her and hold her and ask her if I had loved her enough...
I bet there were days that she felt the presence of the Lord just the way that I have this morning and I bet the she would say "yes, Julie , I am Loved enough". 
Mark is busy working on our master bed room and soon I will have a lovely place for all of my books.
Whitney and Ryan and Julianna and Logan are all busy having a wonderful family day upstairs and Summer and Dana and Autumn and Dominic are probably snow bound in Lewistown AND Reg and Colleen and their kids are having fun in Spokane. My family is safe and God is totally in control!
THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, I SHALL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!

I don't think I can do this ---and I am just starting---weinie

first day of chemo

leaving first round of chemo

Let's just say that yesterday was one of those days that I hope never have to go through again!
Chemo gave me near knock out punch.  My head felt like it was going to explode and if that wasn't enough from no sleep the night before,  I was very nauseous and ended up with dry heaves... I felt like my back ribs were going to crack and I was more than just a little bit afraid that my port would break through the stitches that are holding it into my chest. OH MY!  I remembered them saying that I might feel like I had a case of the flu so I thought this was the flu they talked about.  Mark walked by and he said "we're going in to the dr."  My hero...I had just gotten out of shower so he had to help me get dressed..Poor guy, couldn't figure out how  to get my shoes on and his hands were too  cold to help me with my bra brrrrr.

Apparently I had some kind of reaction to the RED chemo and needed more anti nausea meds in the mixture.  I was also dehydrated. I need to drink 2 qts of fluid.  Soon I was hooked up to adivan, steroid, and some sort saline solution. Almost instantly better except the head ache lasted all evening. Woke up with it but not nearly as severe. 
When I was heaving my innards out, I felt like a big baby, I tried to think of all of the people that have made it through something like this and they never utter a sound! Not this old girl ! Hear me and hear me NOW!
Theresa brought us over a cancer fighting cook book and the recipes taste wonderful.She left it here while she is in Spokane and Whitney has been cooking from it. Yesterday all I could keep down in the morning was a blackberry/raspberry/yogurt shake, Very delicious. Last night for dinner she had made a chicken in some kind of yummy broth.Big chunks of potatoes and chicken for Mark and broth for me...perfect.
This morning I am sucking on watermelon ice cubes. So yummy.
Lots of tears yesterday with my sweet Mark and me.  He has always been my rock and I guess I am his...so yesterday we shared rock tears and we got stronger to face another day together with the Lord by our side.

ugh, this stuff is nasty!

Another long day. Summer showed up early this morning and she, Whit, Mark and I went to my first chemo appointment together. We were lead into a room with recliners and other soft and cushy couches that were arranged in little seating arrangements, sort of like little cubicles. Cozy for family members that want to visit with the person getting chemo treatment.  Nurse Deanna was very informative and helpful as she stuck me (twice) in my port to dispense the 4 bags of names I can't pronounce into my veins. Nurse Terry thought that they would have to use my arm because my port had just been done yesterday and it seemed very tender....Wrong.
I started to feel almost like I was coming down with something. I could not get my bearings straight for lack of a better word.  My eyes felt strange and my head feels sort of rummy. Colleen had made some kind of tea that has become my new favorite drink. It settled my slightly upset stomach. It is all I have had this afternoon and evening.  It is made from ginger and soda water I think, plus it has mint leaves, grapes and honey. I am going back to bed because I feel like I have the flu and I am certain it is this new 'medicine' flowing through my veins.
Thank you for all the prayers that continue day and night for me.

day after port-a-cath

Owie, yikes, eek, dawg gone it, and a whole lot of other words...can you tell I am a little bit sore this morning? Yesterday started out with a " watch THIS " moment from the Lord right before we walked out the door (will write about later as the plan is still unfolding). We got to the hospital at 10:00 and left at 5:30. I had not eaten all day and all I wanted was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! What!?  Me, the Chinese food lover Mexican, was craving a pbj !  YES, and a glass of milk please. I NEVER drink milk but apparently anesthesia made me have strange food cravings and kept the lactose intolerance at bay (thank you Jesus for that :)
While I was waiting to go under the knife, the nurse I had kept me bundled up in warm blankets...so nice.
Dr. W came in to explain what he would be doing and before he left he asked me if he could pray with us!!! With our heads bowed and holding hands, our surgeon prayed for God to guide his hands and for us to feel the Lord's peace. WOW! After that our dear friend Curt came in and prayed with us as well and even in my sedated mind and body I could feel the strength of Curt's prayer.
  The anesthesiologist was explaining to me that they would give me a light sedative and would localize the area where the port would go...(Barney Fife look)  I wondered if he could tell how nervous I was when I said through quivering lips, "oh no, I do not want to hear, feel or see ANYTING! Yes, I think I said anyting (anything without the 'h'). I want to be knocked out cold! So he obliged and it felt like I was whisked in and right back out again. I have no idea what it was he gave me, but for hours I could not keep my eyes open for long and I sounded like I had a speech impediment.
Long, really long story!
It was an amazing day with God moments throughout it!
Fear not for I am with you ... Isaiah 41:10 became so real to me.
Chemo today!

Night before portacath

So I got a call this afternoon from the hospital to remind me of my appt. for surgery in the morning and "by the way please bring $750.00 with you as a prepay/down payment" or something like that. They waited until the day before to tell me that? I asked what happens to people that don't have $750.00 when they come in. Seriously what happens to these poor people that don't have a cent and have cancer?  I guess I will ask if my chemo will be prepay as well when I walk in with my $750.00. I always have questions and they seem not to have answers for me just like today. She said that she could not answer until she spoke with her director. Poor girl, I know she was only doing her job but it did put a little damper on my day :(  But only for a little while. Tomorrow I will speak with her director.
Am busy doing my work in my office so that I can come home tomorrow and crash. Reg stopped by and worked on my laptop and I have lots of new stuff on it.
I am sort of sensing a little feeling of guilt because I will be mounting up the dollars in medical bills...I think that most women feel that way when we are the caregivers and all of a sudden we are the ones that need the care. I have SO many people that have stepped up and offering to help with all sorts of things and I am humbled by their love and compassion for this old war horse.
My mind feels sort of  scattered because I don't really know where to start and I really don't want to start anything because I need to prepare for tomorrow. Wow, I sound a little on the daffy side  by the comment I just made ....'spring broke no clang clang' like Kay says.
I know everything will work out and I believe that God is in control but I am wondering if just maybe He doesn't need a little of my help by worrying and fretting...See, I told you....koo koo koo koo !
HA!  God is so totally in this and He really is gonna say "WATCH THIS". Miracles will abound and I get a front row seat. Yee Haw!

testing my mobile blogging

New Digs

We have been super busy with all of the doctor appointments and all of the little rabbit trails of every day life at the Meis household. Last night was out first night in our Gingerbread house. Mark is a master carpenter as far as I am concerned. Our master bedroom is huge!  It feels so good to have my grand babies (and their parents of course) so close.
A little over a year ago I felt that Mark and I needed  to finish our basement, not only finish it but make our split level home into a  two family dwelling. So,
long story short, here we are. EXCEPT (you knew that was coming) the kitchen is not done and neither is the living room nor is the master bed room! HA! Let's look on the bright side though because I do have a bathroom and a beautiful guest room. Any guests that come will have to sleep on the concrete floor...owch. Basically we are camping out now ;) Memories of when Mark and I were new in Lewistown and we were living in low income housing where Summer slept in the closet and we slept on the floor. Our living room furniture was a lawn chair! Oh yes, I am very grateful for my cushy life today.
Yesterday our home was like a beehive of activity with hammering and electrical something or others making all kinds of noise plus Mike and Ryan in and out with furniture. Dogs barking and children playing and women (Whit, Beth, Terra, and me) talking...we do that best. My niece,Terra, and her boyfriend Sean rolled up their sleeves and helped as well. Sort of like a barn building.
Today, I have guests for dinner! Yep, that's what I said. We will feast on spare ribs that Steve bought and on cornbread pudding and different salads that will arrive with our guests. We will eat off of paper plates AFTER we say grace giving thanks for all that the Lord has done for us.
Tuesday (port gets put in) is just around the corner and Wednesday is the day I get my first chemotherapy treatment. A new journey for sure...a gift of healing journey.

Don't move for HOW long?

So....we left this morning at 8'o'clock and we JUST got home about 45 min. ago! Dead run ALL day.  Mark came home to take his daily nap and I took the baton and kept a steady sprint until I landed at the Set Free Thrift Shop to chat with two of my flat lander buds, Carol and Beth.  Jerry K. was there also and of course we had a little pow wow...which consisted of loud and CRAZY talk because that's how we are...just cuz. 
Anyway, enough about them, back to me :)  The MRI was a test for sure because I had to be still for almost 30 min. And let me tell you the position I had to be still in was quite interesting. I was on my stomach which is ok. My arms, up and straight, was tolerable. The "table' like thing that I was stretched out on had two holes that resembled a mini out house (double seater) . Uh huh, guess what dangled in the two holes...yep, you guessed it! I had to start praying immediately when they slid me into the tube because I wanted to start giggling (remember...don't move) with the visual that was going on in this horribly wicked mind that I have...Hep me Jesus , hep me Lawd, Hep me hep me!!!!! LAWD have mercy. HAHAHAHAAAA!
Anyway, seriously, the MRI showed that the tumor has not (so it seems ) gone anywhere else but to my skin. Also it does not appear that it has grown into the muscle or rib, and THAT my friends is very good news! How great is our God?!
Thursday I have an echo cardiogram (sp) because the chemo (red one) can cause heart damage. Next Tue. I get the port put in and the next day I begin chemo.
Tired so tired. Gonna go kick off my shoes and do nothing...maybe just move a little furniture to decompress myself.

H.A.L.T

I think I must have hit a wall all of a sudden because I am REALLY tired right now.  Not hungry, angry or lonely but I sure am pooped!  The evil twins fear and doubt are sniffing around me so am going to need some prayer please.   I keep reading into things said and the outcome is pretty gloomy. I am going to snuggle into my bed and read my bible and some other good stuff.
This morning I read that Melissa Etheridge prepared for her journey of breast cancer by gathering her "flashlights"--her friends and family members that would help her shine light into the fearful darkness. I thought that was kinda cool. 
Tomorrow morning is my MRI and afterwards is my first appointment with the oncologist, Dr. Martin.  I feel a sense of impending doom.  Doesn't mean it's true,  it's just what I am feeling;
 so no one chastise me for being human please. 
Mark made great headway on the basement today, am excited for my new 'digs'. 
Father, my eyes are on you only. YOU are my flashlight tonight.

Miners hat

Mark went to Home Depot yesterday and came home with a pink baseball cap that has little tiny LED lights tucked into the bill! One points down (which is the one I am using now) and the other two light up in different directions. AND if I really want to look scarey in the dark, they all three light up so I can see where I am going in dark neighborhoods ;)  Kind of like a miners hat.
Pastor Rob and Pastor Alice came over yesterday and we' broke bread together', as in corn bread pudding...yummmm. We ate the whole 9x11 pan full of delicious calories! Yes we did!!!
No dr. appts today. That starts tomorrow. Today I am having lunch with a couple of my AA buds (oops,can I say that on a blog? ;) A great day today. Thank you Father God.
1 John 1:3-4  was one of my devotions this morning. God knew right where I was because I had my miners hat on. wink wink

Wow, my hair is really short! When I looked in the mirror I have the rooster thingy going on with the top of my head. You know, the red 'comb'.  I need to wear a fuzzy scarf around my neck because my neck and shoulders are cold.  Summer,  Autumn and the Rock (Rachel) got to see my  new 'do' via Skype.  
Cards of encouragement have started to arrive and I love receiving them and am wonderfully surprised when I get them.  
My faith is strong and very real to me and everyone's prayers are carrying me through the times that I wander into the dangerous neighborhood of my mind.  I learned 27 years ago to NEVER go there ;)  
Last night as Mark and I worked quietly on our basement,  he  wrapped his arms around me and said  " I hate for you to have to go through this."  Our tears somehow brought us both quiet strength  because silently we know that we are not alone...we are never alone.  
Romans 8:28 is for me today...here I go ...

New friend - nurse Debby

Just when I thought my days could not get any busier, yesterday happened ;). But it was an awesome busy! Guess what? Nurse Debby is a survivor herself and she was amazing! It was her last day in her position but I got to visit with her for an hour. She gave me her phone # and I will see her at breast cancer support groups. I am ALL about support groups.  The REALLY cool thing...as I was walking out of Sletten to my car, I suddenly became aware of a sort of  'presence' walking with me. I felt like I was really not walking but I knew I was moving toward my car. Smile on my face as I got in my car and I felt a wonderful peace. Oh yeah, it was my Lord, I am sure of it!
So now I know that after chemotherapy and after mastectomy not only will I be bald and flat chested, I will have drain bags under my arm pits.....Summer and I laugh about me being the missing link! I will leave no doubt about it when I  come out of surgery! The bags will be my boob replacements only for a week or so but am a little bit squeamish . . . Wild Woman , I'm gonna need you on this one please.
Everywhere I went yesterday I got a hug! Nice.
Psalms 91 for me today...   

Remember the look Barney( Andy Griffith show) would get when he was scared? HA! That's the look I woke up with this morning (a few hrs ago). I have another appt. at hospital with Nurse Debbie. I think that she is a social worker as well because when she called yesterday, she sounded like she was asking me if I was ok but not asking me. I felt like she was 'feeling' me out to see which hat she would wear when she sits down with me. I considered sounding really flaky so she would maybe recommend some good drugs to 'calm' me down (old drug habits die hard-help me Jesus). Of course I kept it together and said that I am fine and blah blah blah. Oh my, I am really not in control of any of this and guess what?  I NEVER HAVE BEEN!  She said I am/have stage 3A but the pamphlet Mark and I read last night  sounds like I am 3B. That should not have been what I read before going to sleep.Note to me; Only read God's word before going to sleep, DA!
I decided yesterday at 12:45 to go to the breast cancer support group that meets at...12:00......:(
I was on the phone alot and one call  was to make an appt to get my hair cut really short so it's not such a shock for my grandbabies when I sport the SET FREE look ;) I got a little emotional thinking of me getting my hair cut ...sniff. 
Psalms 118:17 is for me today.