Day 1 of 33

Today is the first day for my radiation therapy.  I have been fighting a little impending doom feeling :( 
I am not sure what it is but I have the feeling that this is a little bigger dog than the chemotherapy was.  I have been taking the new meds so maybe that is what is causing the blah feeling.  I wake up feeling like something is not right and cannot put my finger on it.  Prayer sometimes is just "please help me Lord".  I know that is enough... Mark has not been well and there is other stuff going on in my extended family but I know that there is nothing I can do about that so I just keep praying and giving it over to God...and then taking it back....and giving it over ...and back and forth.  
Maybe it's the time of year...everything is dead and blowing away.  Even our Lupe dog is acting strange.  She acts like she doesn't know us when we call her to come into the house.  She is so old and frail.  HA!  Sort of like I feel.  
So with all of the positive that I can muster, here I go....Lord, can you hear me?  A little nervous here...I am really trying hard to be glad that this is the last leg of the race but I am tired...maybe that's it....so tired. Tears?  OK then, maybe a good cry will relieve the pressure.  
Ok Flashlights and Firefly, remember what to pray for.  Here I go ...
Will fill you in later on how it went.

Break almost over!!!

So I went to dr. appts today and all went well.  I start radiation next Monday !  FOR REALS!  I thought that I had a month off or at least 2-3 weeks!  He wanted to start tomorrow but I said that I had plans to see my Lewistown grand babies...I got the tattoos that we  need for the radiation and only one of them was uncomfortable.  I got my own little card with a bar code on it so that I scan it when  I come in and take my place in line...moo, moo ;)  HA!  Dr. S said that very little of my left lung would get radiation and that sort of concerned me but he explained that they wanted to make sure that there were no stray cancer cells in my lung near where the tumor was.  Mark very calmly said " you have another lung"....I do believe that he was having an episode because he really did not SEEM to be saying it sarcastically!  I just cannot imagine that he would think that it is ok to fry one of my lungs!  I will be getting 33 treatments (if that is what they are called) and I think that I will be done with them around Thanksgiving.  What a Thanksgiving that will be!

I am a little tired right now but I think it is because my day started with a bang at 5 this morning when the air compressor started up.  Mark forgot to turn it off and it decided to kick in at that hour of the morning. 
I am looking forward to my visit in Lewistown and to catch up on a little R & R while I play with Autumn and Dominic.  Both Mark and I love to visit our family in Lewistown. 

Flashlights (and firefly), I need your prayers for the Lord to protect my lung and that I will not burn too badly from the radiation.  The dr. said that my arm pit will probably burn and peel and that I should expect to be tired...I feel greedy asking for the Lord to help me in this like He did the chemo because I feel like a spoiled child that wants more and more.  But that is what I am  asking for....no burn and no fatigue :)
Greedy bugger....

Chemo -Done!

My last treatment was almost ant-climactic. I don't know what I thought I would feel except that it felt like any other day.  I felt sort of sad that I would not see Deanna weekly and would not get to sit in my cushy chair to snooze if I wanted but all in all I am very grateful.  So many people to thank at Sletten , they were all amazing and caring people.  God hand picked every one of them to be in my life and to take part in my care.

Whitney and Kay showed up toward the end of my session and we all went out for lunch after wards.  We laughed and talked and remembered how I cried a little at the very first chemo treatment as Nurse Deanna explained what was going to happen...Funny, I don't remember her explaining anything to me.  I only remember how much it hurt to have the port accessed because I had just had it put in the day before and I was swollen and raw!!!  I think I remember Deanna saying that it looked pretty sore but she thought that she could still get it in.....I must have blacked out after that because I don't remember her sitting down with us to explain the procedure. WAIT...there is a memory of  both Summer and Whitney being there as well as the brothers-in-law (Mark and Bruce) .  Deanna thought that Bruce was my brother NOT my ex-husband!  HA!  Laughter even in the beginning :)

Yesterday Dr. M prescribed some kind of beta blocker for my blood pressure (has been a little high) especially since he heard that my sister had her first heart attack in her early 50's and just had another one this last week.  He also gave me some kind of estrogen blocker. I didn't know that old women still produced estrogen but I guess we do and if there are any cancer cells left, cancer likes estrogen...I thought the radiation would take care of that but he said that he would probably keep me on this for the rest of my life because of the size of my tumor.  It may cause me to have hot flashes (oh yay) and that he WANTS me to have them because it means that it is working. He also happened to throw in "Dr. W will take your port out soon.  It is a very simple office procedure. Painless".... Barney Fife look again for me!  If it is so painless why did I have to go to the hospital and get knocked out to have it put in?  OH NO!  That is all I heard after that and I have been fighting off little panic attacks....where are those anti- anxiety pills he gave me?

Next he said that I will be seeing a radiology oncologist on Monday the 17 of this month.  Before that I will visit my primary care physician and she will give me the dreaded 'female' exam. :(

Right after those two appts. Mark and I are off to Lewistown to visit Dana, Summer,  Autumn and Dominic for a couple of days.  I will slip away one of the days that I am there to go to Billings to visit my sister and come home that evening.  I have much to do while I am on chemo break.


I love this time of the year because somehow it feels cozy to me.  There are some feelings of nostalgia that come with this time of the year but I rather like it.  I think of how my mother would sit at the window and the tears would run down her face as she saw the leaves turning yellow and the flowers were dying.  She seemed sad but now I feel that Fall was just not her favorite time of the year.  I miss her so much.  I get to see her every time I look in the mirror :)  My curly white hair is just like she liked her perms to look!  AND I look like her :)  

All is well in my world today...it is exactly as it should be.  To God be the Glory.

# 11 is done! One left!!!

Another one bites the dust!  
As usual it was a very pleasant experience in the chemo 'suite' today.  Mark and I joined the young man that I spoke about a few blogs back and his wife.   She waved to me and commented on my hair.  They seem like a very sweet young couple.  He was sleeping and I joined him in slumber a little while later.  It seemed to go very quickly today and I felt almost sad as I was leaving.   Waaa, I will miss Nurse Deanna and all of our laughter.  I will still be in same building for my radiation treatments so I can pop in and say hello ;)
I am feeling a little fuzzy in my thoughts again and am assuming it is the 'medicine' that is racing in my veins that is the culprit. 
I was suddenly aware that this week I am withdrawing again mentally.  I am a talker as many of you know.  I like guts on the table and then sort out the truth...My AA sponsor (COS) taught me from day one to be brutally honest.
I am getting chemo pumped into my body weekly and I am expecting to feel normal!  The height of grandiosity.  God has truly protected me but my body is still flesh and blood.  Throw in the fact that my beloved sister had a heart attack  on Monday and my humanness REALLY took over.
Strange how reality shakes us out of our auto pilot mode.   I sent out prayer requests and everyone responded immediately.  I dropped to my knees  and started praying in her behalf.  I pushed back the tears like a good little care giver.  Talk about a helpless feeling!  I helped take care of her when she had her first one about 5 or 6 years ago.  This time it is not going to be that way because her wonderful children have stepped in to help their mother.  AND I can't be there until my chemo is done.  So guess what?  The world goes on with out me!  HA!  I had to get off of the throne and let God get back on....He totally took care of her and she is home as I am writing this.  After talking with her, I know that she is on the mend because her language is very colorful again!!!
So anyway, enough about her, now back to me : ).  I came home and took a nice 2 hour nap but I woke up with a stomach ache and my body felt shakey.  Grrrr, # 11 is trying to be a little different than the other treatments...or wait!  Maybe it was the Cajun food that I had for lunch with fried pickles as appetizers...ugh...doesn't even sound good right now. 
Next week is my last one and I am thrilled!
Memo to me....Let go and Let God do what only He can do (bucket head)