Day after chemo

It went not so badly!  Blood work was good, am still a little anemic but Dr. M said that it is probably from the first chemo and surgery that I just went through.  Also, he said to take it easy on myself, the feeling of sadness that sweeps over me sometimes is also part of the package deal from all of the 'stuff' that my body has gone through. 
He checked my incision and said that I am healing nicely.  I really am feeling better and better every single day.  I am itching to get into the dirt and beat the tar out of some weeds that have invaded my hollyhocks!  No kidding, there are some weeds that are as tall as some of the plants.  I am not able to pull or carry things but I sure can cut stuff down with my pruning sheers!
My new chemo is called Taxol (I think that is the correct spelling)  it is not supposed to be as hard to take as the other concoction that I was given so I am encouraged by that.  Only fatigue is expected the doc said.  HOWEVER...some people have what is call infusion reaction or infusion something or other and what that means is basically it is an allergic reaction.  If I felt back pain or itching or difficulty breathing, I was to let them know so they could stop it  immediately. 
WHAT...seriously?  Of course my 'Joe Cool - I am strong like bull ' person said to him "ok, I will let the nurse know if I feel any of those".  Barney Fife was just about to jump out as I walked out of the dr. office.  
I asked for nurse Deanna practically the minute that I walked in the door and I got her!  She explained it all so kindly and I could feel my stress level come down so far that I hardly feel when she accessed my port practically pain free.( I said practically)
The only reaction that I had was that it knocked me on my butt!  I remember when Summer and Dominic came in but I don't even remember when Whitney got there.  I practically slept the whole time!  Nice!  I feel badly that I could not visit with my family.  I was higher than a kite!!!  I came home and slept all day and night.  
Today, I feel a little slow but not incoherent ;)  
How's that for answered prayer?  Thank you all and only 11 of these bad boys to go...they did say that some people can get this infusion reaction on the second or third round but not to worry about it.  Ok...one more thing on my prayer list not to worry about.  How awesome is our God?  The list is never too long for Him.
Today is a very busy day starting out with my support group and following that up with yet another dr. appt and physical therapy. Other stops that I will make but all is well here at the Meis house hold.  Oh yes, I will squeeze in a nap as well. 
Jeremiah 33:3  The Message
Call to me and I will answer you.  I will tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.

First of 12

This morning is the first of my next 12 rounds of chemo.  Is that the right way to say this? Is each dose considered a round?  I feel a little tired this morning.  I think it is sort of a defeated feeling which I don't like.  I have praise music on while I swig down my energy drink :)  This is a daily thing for me as I do my 'stuff' on the computer.  The music I listen to is scripture on cd and it is very calming for my spirit.  The one that is playing now says " I rise before dawn and I cry for help. I have put my hope in your word" I LOVE IT!
My next three days are pretty appt. filled.  I also get fitted for the stocking thingy that I will wear on my left arm where all of the lymph glands were taken out.  I guess I need it in case I get lymphedema. 
Very interesting.  Need to research lymphedema.  I just know that it is not good and I was given massage lessons to manage it.  
Summer and Dominic are coming from Lewistown to sit with me, Whit and Mark while I get my chemo treatment.  We may sit out in the solarium.  Sletten Cancer Institute is a beautiful facility and it is very homey. It will be my 'haunt' for the next 12 Wednesdays.  
I will hide myself in the Lord and I will be just fine...He has shown me so much mercy in my past and this is no different.  He will shelter me from evil. 
Get your batteries charged Flashlights because the fun begins again and I am a little weary.  The floodgates of tears are just about to burst and I am relying totally on prayers and the love of my friends and family.  
Here I go...I have a little of the Barney Fife look ....but I will survive this next step to my recovery.
Love you all!

I went to my breast cancer support group yesterday because I felt that I really needed to be with some ladies that are going through this same journey that I am on.  There was a new lady there and I knew her from several years ago.  A real blast from the past!  The look of fear/confusion/disbelief on her face was all too fresh in my mind.  She did not recognize me at first.  She said she recognized my smile...really? ....do I look that different?....oh yes, I do.  When she knew me I was 20 lbs. thinner and had tons of long dark hair and no glasses (and I had boobs :)  
The meeting was awesome because there were several ladies that were many years cancer free.  They were volumes of information.  The new lady kept asking me questions because she has not had her mastectomy yet and no chemo either.  I mean she literally JUST found out her diagnosis.  She kept asking me questions that I had asked and I felt strange hearing myself share my experience because I am so new myself.   When I was driving home I realized that my journey has only just begun but already the Lord is showing me that none of this will be in vain.  I must share my experience strength and hope in this as well.  
My hair is growing back and it is white peach fuzz.  I am thinking that I will probably lose that with the 12 weeks of chemo that are coming up. 
I am feeling ever so blessed to have the husband that I have, especially after hearing that one of the ladies in our group is going to be left alone as her partner does not think that he can handle living with a woman with one breast!  I was dumbfounded  when I heard this!
The raw emotions and honesty in this group is beyond words and I can only say that I am humbled to be a member of this amazing group of women. 
Dana and Summer and babies will be here tonight.  It is Logan's birthday Monday and we are celebrating it tomorrow.  Two years old already!  I will be here when he is celebrating his 30th and beyond!  Holy Cow, I will be an old fart!
HA! 
 

Mark and I had a wonderful weekend visit with Summer and Dana and Autumn and Dominic!!! I also got to visit with Vickie and Wendy and Curt and Noreen and RELAX in between ;)
 When we got home, we were in for such a great surprize as some of our friends had gotten together and put up kitchen cupboards and our new home is getting closer to completion.  I was blown away with how awesome it turned out.  I was in on the secret as everyone wanted to surprise Mark but I had no idea how great it was going to look! Mark was deeply moved and it was fun to see that we had finally surprised him with something.  He is the hardest person in the world to get 'one over on'. Thank you does not even come close to saying how grateful we are for this incredible act of kindness.  Summer and Whitney were in the middle of all of this so it all fell into place perfectly.
So, I drove myself to physical therapy this morning and I think that it went well.  I like the girl that is helping me and she was very informative about what is going on with my arm and about how all of the lymph nodes and etc. work.  The exercises don't seem too impossible and I am not to ever have blood drawn from my left arm and do not take blood pressure there either and yadda yadda yadda...After the great events over the week end and all of the emotions of gratitude and love, what is this dark cloud that came out of nowhere and settled in for a little bit?  I so hate it when my mind takes off into the abyss of negative feelings that sneak up on me.  My life is so blessed and I truly feel that I am highly favored by God so what the heck was I getting my panties in a bundle over?  Who knows?  My mind went koo koo without the koo koo juice and I ran with it...Poor Whitney.  She and Summer can sense when their mother's head is beginning to spin. Whit lives here though so she gets to see when I am certifiable. Even if my pupils are pin points and my lips are pursed, thank goodness I have learned to keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts to myself.
We raked the yard together and started talking about 'what ever' and the mood seemed to lift. 
Wish I could blame it on the heat or something  but the only thing that I can change is how I react to moments like this.  If I really get honest, I think that I got a little (ok, alot) ticked off at how my life is SO NOT like I thought it would be at 61 :(   Yes, I know...some of you out there can relate...but, when I really think about it, it is exactly as it is supposed to be :)  But boy it is not easy to keep rolling with the punches. 
There, I feel so much better...sorry if I was a Debby Downer there for a minute... I have climbed back in the saddle and I am hanging on for the ride again :)
clomp, clomp, clomp....here I go....I'm not riding very fast but I'm  a going. Giddy up old gray mare.

Free at last!

I had my drain tubes taken out yesterday and I cannot express how free I feel!  If I ever have to have drain bags again I do believe that I will consider keeping them in forever.  OMG!  Hurt! The little nurse that took them out was telling us that when she was new, she had to take out a drain tube from a man that had thyroid surgery and she had to run out of the office to get the dr. to help her.......needless to say, I gasped and quickly thanked God that mine were in my side and not my throat...that prayer was followed quickly with 'help this not to hurt'!  Maybe they didn't hurt as much as they could have so my prayer was answered :)
We are going to Lewistown this afternoon and we get to see our other two grand babies (and Summer and Dana of course). I am also squeezing in visits from some other friends in Lewistown.
I think that I start physical therapy for my left arm next week and maybe get to mow my lawn as well.  So happy to be a little more independent.  I forgot to ask if I can drive.  The minute the clock strikes 8 this morning, I am calling nurse Laurie. 
Oh yes, I almost for got to tell you that on Wednesday I went to my Feel Good Look Better make over at Sletten cancer Institute.  It is offered free of charge to all cancer patients (women) and it was fun.  Companies donate makeup to the cancer society and everything is free.  I got a bag full of makeup ranging from Avon to Shesheido, Clinique, Mary Kay, Bobby Brown, Aveda, and others that I can't remember.  I gave it all away because I sell makeup so ...but the experience was fun.
Very nice that lots of companies take part in this program.  
Prayerfully my drain sites won't leak today like they did yesterday while I was helping Mark with a project....yuck. Hard to look cute when you have seepage coming out of your back and right breast area ;) HA!
Ps. 62:7

Appt with dr. W (praying doc)

Yesterday Mark and I went to our follow up visit with Dr. W.  He gave the go ahead for the stitches to come out and also 2 of the 4 drain bags that I have not yet gotten used to (Thank God)  My scar is fascinating...There were lots -and I do mean LOTS- of stitches to take out.  The numbness in my chest may not go away nurse Laurie said, but I noticed that on the right side where the lymph nodes were not taken out, I felt little stings when she pulled  out the stitches.  When she pulled out the drain tubes, I definitely felt the burn of those bad boys coming out!   'Ow, Ow , Ow, " was all I could say.  She was saying it too so that helped a little.  Mark standing next to me as always holding my hand,I think...or maybe he was holding my legs so they would not come flying up and hurt poor nurse Laurie - accidentally of course.  Chock that up for another new experience that I don't want to go through again, until the other two come out next week..ugh.
When Whit came downstairs to drain my 2 bags last night, it did not take as long and we studied the miracle of Dr. W's work. 
My chest is slightly concave where my mammary glands once were.  I did not feel anything much emotionally when I looked at the incision and I found that a little curious.  Maybe it will hit me later.  One of the nurses at the hospital said that some ladies will not even touch their bandage much less look at their scar.  
The Lord has really helped me to KNOW that I am not a body part or a pretty face.  Wow is that ever a great feeling!  Thank goodness huh?  Since I can count the strands of hair on my head and am now boobless AND the eyebrows and eyelashes have grown weary of hanging on , it is a dang good thing that vanity has taken a back seat in my life....see that...a back seat not totally gone :)
There have been a couple of days that I look in the mirror and the tears just topple over the bare lower lid because I truly do not recognize myself.   Who is this critter that is staring back at me?  Oh yes, I recognize you...you are the child of the Most High God...I remember you.   Thank you Jesus, if you are for me who can be against me?    I will live.
Tomorrow Summer and Wendy will weed my flower beds and all will be as it should be for that day.
Today, I meet my dear friend Vickie for lunch at Maple Gardens and I will stuff myself before my afternoon nap....yum...life I love ya...feelin groovy ...tra la la la

visit to oncologist

This morning we found out that there is cancer in the chest muscle where the tumor was.  The dr. said that there was also cancer in one of the lymph nodes that were removed.  I can honestly tell you that when Dr. Martin asked me if I had any questions for him, I could not think of any because I was sort of in shock.  He said that they could go in again and take the cancer out of the muscle but it would incapacitate the left arm. Mmm...Naw, I don't think so. (He agreed) He said he really feels that if we do the chemo and radiation followed by hormone therapy that we have a good chance of beating this... I had an out of body feeling right about here.   You mean there is a chance I might NOT beat this?  Wait a minute here....I did not sign up for this AND I want my money back! (and my boobs too while you are at it! My hair too please and thank you very much.)
HA!  If only it was that easy...so odd how I feel so at peace with this.  Something really good had better  come out of all of this and I mean it God! ! !
Mark is on the phone right now talking with the wife of a dear friend who is in the emergency room fighting for his life.  If he makes it through the night, they will have a long road ahead of them as well.   We are blessed...
Flash lights, pray for my Mark.  He is struggling and it is because he is so worried about me.  
There is going to be great healing in more than just the physical I believe.  I think that this journey is beginning to show many of us how precious our relationships are here on earth. We must never assume that everyone in our life will be here forever.  I am so grateful for my friends and family.  We have had someone cook us dinner every night since I got home from the hospital.  How cool is that?  
Dr. Martin said that I have really gone through the worst as far as my treatment goes (man I hope he is not sugar coating this ) He said that I will start weekly chemo therapy on July 27 and it will be for 12 weeks.  Radiation will be daily for 6 weeks after that.  Wow...
Peace fills my soul...peace fills my soul...peace fills my soul...

Happy 4th of July

Also, happy anniversary to Ryan and Whitney!  
It is hard to believe that it has been almost a week since mastectomy!  The drain bags are the worst part and I am really quite bored with them :(   Yesterday afternoon I felt wet on my left side and when I lifted up my top there was blood on my bandage.  Dr. Winslow called me immediately after his answering service notified him and reassured me that it is common for this around the tube site.  Ugh...Summer and Dana were just on their way home from the lake, so both Summer and Whitney worked on my dressing.  How proud am I as a mother that both of my girls attended to my needs and never seemed squeamish at all.  Dana took care of the babies and did his part as well.  I took my top off in front of him since I don't have to worry about exposing my bosom (wicked smirk).
I had not been lifting anything heavier than I am supposed to but I remember stretching and reaching for something and feeling a pull on that side...owch!   I can handle not moving furniture around or dragging heavy things from one place to another but it is very hard for me not being able to hold my grand babies when they reach out to me.  That happened twice yesterday.. Once with Julianna and then again when Autumn was here.  So hard.  
Both of my arm pits feel weak and useless.  I think that it would be very easy to become depressed especially when activity is so limited.  I must remember the ultimate goal of this whole journey and that is to live and not die.  I think I can sacrifice a little activity now so that I can run and play with my babies in the very near future. 
Have a great day all!