March 12, 2023

 Time really does fly as the saying goes...what a boring way to start my new self imposed therapy.  I've decided to blog again so that I can get some of this chatter that goes on in my head on paper.  I have spent alot of time alone since Mark has gotten more and more frail.  I choose to be here with him watching over him like an old buzzard that is waiting for his next meal. I'm not saying that Mark is going to be my next meal but I do watch him alot while he sleeps.  We've had the difficult conversations that most old people have about death and dying a peaceful death if at all possible and it should make things easier but nah, it doesn't.  He is sleeping quite soundly right now. He hasn't woken up since he went to bed last night.  I remember when I was in Seattle with Summer while she visited her dad in the hospital and the nurse said that he was 'actively dying".  He was sleeping alot and not eating much.  That's what Mark is doing on days like this and I wonder... Some days I want him to be free and move on and other days I never want to be without him.  He's just a shadow of the man that he was but his love for me and for his kids is never ending.  How I wish the grand kids could see him run the way he used to with our girls. Goofy pranks that he thought were so funny and no one else did.😂😂 Like the time that he was supposed to give Summer a slice of buttered bread and he stuck in on the side of her face 😒 To my great surprise, everyone at the table laughed.  I think we were at Meis'.  They were used to his pranks.  

A few of my friends are very ill and are more than likely leaving this earth soon and I find myself wondering when my turn is coming. Not soon I hope.  Carol and I were talking the other day and she mentioned how she is thinking more and more about death.  I think that is quite normal for people as they get older.  Why did I think that I would escape those thoughts.  I never really thought about it.  But here I am...

So much snow on the ground and I am really thinking about Spring and flowers and robins and lots of sunshine.  Seasons change. They come and they go.  Today will be yesterday tomorrow.  💕

Soon Mark will wake up and I will feel a little more secure and I will be happy to see his face. Even if it's nothing like the face that I remember from 15 years ago.  Yep, it's been 15 years that our lives changed forever.  In the blink of an eye, his brain seized and our world as we knew it became a memory only to us because on that day, Mark's memory was wiped clean.   The word 'trauma' is being thrown around alot now a days so I am not going to use it right now.  

Doing things that I had no idea that I thought I could do became normal for me.  I did everything (almost everything) afraid.  I hardly told anyone of the severity of my situation because I honestly did not know where to start. So, I will start right here. . .  Not the retelling of Mark's story, just this new journey that I must take.  One that only I know about and one that is revealed to me only as I go through it.  No secrets here.  I just need to talk it out.  I don't even care if anyone reads this because I really am just trying to find my way back to where ever I need to be in order to be in God's will.  For right now though, I need to check if Mark is breathing and to put clothes in the dryer. 

Peace of Christ.✌

10 years out and now I have a new sparring partner!

October 2020 I walked into a meeting with my 'tribe' and walked right back out again as I felt this creepy feeling of "OMG, I think I'm going to faint! "  NO clue what was going on but I just had the feeling that I needed to go home and maybe get to a walk in clinic.  The doctor on duty told me that basically I needed to exercise and that the feeling of fatigue that I had in my legs was from weak muscles and that at my age I need to stay active and work out. At the very least, go for walks.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't just sit around and do nothing but I guess I felt that the doctor knows best and that because I have never been this old before, I need to formally work out ( I had no intention of doing that but it sounded good ;-) )  I got sent home beating myself up because I had gone to the clinic and there was nothing wrong with me!  After a  week I went in again. I felt awful but was not running a high temp nor did I have a cough or runny nose.  I. just. felt. miserable.  Once again I got told that there was really nothing wrong with me except that I was a little dehydrated.  A bag of intravenous fluids and off I went.  By now I had been in and out of bed with an incredible fatigue for a week.  One day Whit came home from work with a new lemon scented candle and I couldn't smell it.  She rang the alarm and off I went to get tested for the big and bad covid 19.  Positive... back to bed and so began my 5 week journey of bed rest and much free floating anxiety.  It was an incredibly lonely and frightful stint!  I can't explain the fear that would crowd into my mind and the weird and debilitating feeling of "yuck" that my body would feel. No words to define the sensation all over my body... I don't know why I felt that I couldn't call my doctor but I didn't want him to put me in the hospital. I had a scheduled appointment with him in about 3 weeks so I waited until then to see him.   By the time I went in, I had been to hell and back physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I had not felt that sick EVER!  Not even in the year that I went through chemo and radiation plus a double mastectomy.    I have not been afraid of dying but I tell you what...I was afraid that I was dying and not ready at all to meet my maker!  My faith in God has always been so strong but for some reason my brain was not functioning the way that it normally does and nothing about me felt like it was me thinking these thoughts!!!  So scary!   It felt like I was in a spiritual desert and God was nowhere to be found and worse yet, that HE didn't know where I was!  I would force myself to get up and walk to the front door and back to bed so that I would get a little bit of exercise.  Plus I forced myself to drink water so that I wouldn't get dehydrated.  I didn't want anyone to come see me so that they wouldn't get sick but I soon found myself feeling very lonely. I finally asked Whitney to at least peek in on me and say hello to me when she brought Mark something to eat.  

I remember feeling sorry for all of the people that have died alone in the hospital because they are quarantined and how much better they would have felt if only they had been able to at least see their family.  God made us to be with loved ones. In Genesis He said "it is not good for man to be alone".  

My thoughts were not my own it seemed like.  I was becoming depressed and wondering if this was the end for me....I never want to visit this time in my life again.

Which brings me to the reason that I am blogging about this.  My primary care doc had given me a steroid and Z pak when I finally got in to see him and it worked like magic.  I began to feel better almost immediately.  Still got very fatigued and I had a lingering buzzing/ringing going on in my head.  So a very long story made shorter, I started to feel sick again around April and it continued until recently (this is June 10)  The doc sent me to a post covid clinic and I have been through more tests and doctors than I care to think about.  

I am also in a post covid therapy group and the facilitator,  a psychotherapist, suggested that I blog my covid experience the way I did going through breast cancer treatment.  This is totally different because the team of doctors that I had for cancer were very knowledgeable and had worked with thousands of cancer patients.  This team of covid docs freely admit that they know very little about this illness and that basically we, the patients, are helping them learn about this illness. 

OK. This has gone on long enough.  I will add as I see fit or if Stephanie (facilitator) tells me that is my homework for the week. 

Later.

2017 - So Over this! God are you listeneing?

I have no idea when my last blog was but I think it must be at least 2 years.  I know that I have written a few and not posted them because I sounded like a  mad woman!  I recognize that I have much anger deep inside that rears it's ugly head every once in a while and nothing gets resolved really...I just end up feeling more frustrated with guilt at what a bitch I am thrown in.  I have no more reserves to tap into and I emotionally can not carry on as I have been for the last year or so.  Although God has provided all that we need and more,  I still carry around the dead carcass of resentment to a man that no longer exists....his physical body is still here but who he was is no longer.  My loyalty to my husband is a blurred line with this anxiety and frustration mixed in there.  The physical body that is here living in our home is a

December 2014

How can it be a year later already?  Our main focus has been Mark and all of his health challenges.  So much has been revealed or exposed whichever way you want to look at it.  I have been stretched to the max and my faith has been tested like never before.  I feel stronger but much more vulnerable. I have found that there is strength in that (vulnerability).  I spend much time alone in my thoughts and trying to figure out what my next step will be. I am totally dependent on God and I miss the Mark 'that was.'
It has been a year of nausea and dizziness for Mark and he's lost over 50 pounds!  Since our dear friend Steve died (OMG! Almost 3 years ago) it has been very quiet around Mark.  Not many of the old friends stop in to visit and I understand, I really do.   I see Mark struggling sometimes trying to find his place in our new normal. I hate that phrase but I have no other description for our life changes.  I have taken over all of the "duties" that Mark used to take care of and some days I just don't want to do it as well as the stuff I usually do as a wife.
Caregiving is one of the hardest hats I have ever had to wear.  I took a caregivers class for about 6 weeks earlier this year and learned a wealth of information. The most important is that I am not alone.  There are so many people taking care of their loved ones and trying to remember to take care of themselves is not easy.  The overwhelming emotions that come over me out of nowhere can sure take the wind out of my sails...Trying to figure out what he could have been thinking as I tried to figure out finances has been the most challenging.  I have been humbled beyond my worst nightmares and I had no idea that Mark was struggling with his memory for as long as it appeared that he was.
It will be 7 years on Jan. 26 that Mark had the brain seizure that got everyone's attention.  We didn't know that he was having little ones for a few years before.  We just thought he was not paying attention or was preoccupied with everything he had on his plate.  He would stop dead in his tracks and sniff like he was trying to place a smell that only he was smelling. I now know that is called an aura.
I am babbling only for therapy for me. I feel determined but fragile most days. I am grateful that I have the gift of appearing to have it together.  Most mornings I wake up very early and just lie quietly
saying 'Jesus, Jesus' over and over again so that the voices of doubt and fear don't throw me into a panic attack.  What is going to happen to my Mark if something happens to me?  I don't wish this stress on my girls so I am in constant prayer that God will intervene.
Tomorrow is another first for me.  I know I don't need to worry because God is in control.  Sometimes that sounds like a pipe dream. I feel like an ingrate when I think like that because my life has been full of many miracles that can only be explained by His intervention. I'm praying for one more tomorrow God. Please and thank you.