December 2014

How can it be a year later already?  Our main focus has been Mark and all of his health challenges.  So much has been revealed or exposed whichever way you want to look at it.  I have been stretched to the max and my faith has been tested like never before.  I feel stronger but much more vulnerable. I have found that there is strength in that (vulnerability).  I spend much time alone in my thoughts and trying to figure out what my next step will be. I am totally dependent on God and I miss the Mark 'that was.'
It has been a year of nausea and dizziness for Mark and he's lost over 50 pounds!  Since our dear friend Steve died (OMG! Almost 3 years ago) it has been very quiet around Mark.  Not many of the old friends stop in to visit and I understand, I really do.   I see Mark struggling sometimes trying to find his place in our new normal. I hate that phrase but I have no other description for our life changes.  I have taken over all of the "duties" that Mark used to take care of and some days I just don't want to do it as well as the stuff I usually do as a wife.
Caregiving is one of the hardest hats I have ever had to wear.  I took a caregivers class for about 6 weeks earlier this year and learned a wealth of information. The most important is that I am not alone.  There are so many people taking care of their loved ones and trying to remember to take care of themselves is not easy.  The overwhelming emotions that come over me out of nowhere can sure take the wind out of my sails...Trying to figure out what he could have been thinking as I tried to figure out finances has been the most challenging.  I have been humbled beyond my worst nightmares and I had no idea that Mark was struggling with his memory for as long as it appeared that he was.
It will be 7 years on Jan. 26 that Mark had the brain seizure that got everyone's attention.  We didn't know that he was having little ones for a few years before.  We just thought he was not paying attention or was preoccupied with everything he had on his plate.  He would stop dead in his tracks and sniff like he was trying to place a smell that only he was smelling. I now know that is called an aura.
I am babbling only for therapy for me. I feel determined but fragile most days. I am grateful that I have the gift of appearing to have it together.  Most mornings I wake up very early and just lie quietly
saying 'Jesus, Jesus' over and over again so that the voices of doubt and fear don't throw me into a panic attack.  What is going to happen to my Mark if something happens to me?  I don't wish this stress on my girls so I am in constant prayer that God will intervene.
Tomorrow is another first for me.  I know I don't need to worry because God is in control.  Sometimes that sounds like a pipe dream. I feel like an ingrate when I think like that because my life has been full of many miracles that can only be explained by His intervention. I'm praying for one more tomorrow God. Please and thank you.

This morning as Mark and I were reading my blog from this day two years ago, we realized yet again how fortunate we are.  This was my last radiation treatment and the gratitude was oozing from my blog.

How interesting that only a few short years have passed and the gratitude has turned to complacency and silent whining.  I'm not going to say that I feel that I am the only one that goes through this but I was very convicted about how we (I) take God for granted.  I'm a spoiled turd!  

I long for the feeling of total dependency on Him and yesterday everything came to a head for Mark and me.  So....there I was again, on my face before the Lord asking for guidance because my self will had certainly run riot and run over all that I love and hold dear.  
Not that long ago, a dear friend was going through some chronic pain and we were talking about how sometimes it takes that kind of crap for the Lord to get our attention.  We both marveled at how amazing God is and that we have grown so grateful and grown spiritually because of the trials that we have been through AND that we hope we never forget this time of 'enlightenment'. 

I am not going to speak for her but I know that for me, I slowly started to take over and mentally convince myself somehow that God had given me all control of what is going on in my life...and in Mark's life too!  I never verbalized it but my actions certainly were saying it.

Too long of a story to go into all of the events that have come into our lives but this morning I am grateful that God gave me enough rope to maybe not hang myself but certainly to start gasping for air with bulging eyeballs!!

I have almost single handed sabotaged all that is good in my life because of my crazy ass thinking.
What happens to us?  When do we decide that we know what is best?  Only God can decide what is good for anyone.  It's no dang wonder I have been depressed!  I had taken on many problems that were not mine.  I didn't tell anyone but silently like an ugly spell, I felt responsible for everyone around me.  

I feel that it is safe to blog this because I haven't blogged for a long time and the 'excitement' of the cancer of 20ll is over.  Although safe is not a good word. I just need to vent.  

This morning I decided to read the book of Job and wow!  Not that I am comparing myself with him and all of the stuff he went through but there was some really good stuff in there.  I am only on chapter 6.  

I have identified my opponent and it is me.  I have been living in the past and not letting me or Mark move on into the future.  Whatever it may be, I know that it will be good.  I really believe that but sweet Jesus, has this been a ride!  The last year has been more than I have ever handled since I quit drugs and alcohol almost 30 years ago.   

The sweet thing is that after Mark and I talked and talked and talked, we got on our knees and thanked God for all that He has given us and we asked for His help and guidance.  Did it change anything?  Absolutely!   In the heavenly places I am sure that there was quite a commotion because Mark and I were together on our knees before our King, humbly asking for His help.  

If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers and maybe be encouraged that nothing is too big for our God.  He really does know our hearts and He knows what is going on in our pea brains.  I truly felt like He was smiling at us and saying to me, " I understand and I will show you soon that all is well." 

I lost my way for a little while but I am back on the trail where there is only one set of foot prints. :)

How blessed are you and me?! 
 

April 2013! Really?

I am so surprized when I realize that months have flown by and it has now been 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I wish that I could say that my life has been peachy keen and that all is well now.  I guess I can say that it is peachy on some days but deep in my gut there is something missing.  I can't quite put my finger on it  and apparently God does not want to reveal it to me .  Dang, I wish He would just tell me what it is already.

I find that if I stay in the moment and really be present in it , I feel better.  A few months ago I had been struggling with lots of shoulder and back pain.  It was daily agony and I tried to muscle through it but some days it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had a melt down a while back and I was taken off of one of the meds that was making me koo koo but the chronic pain was making  me feel just as nuts.   I went to pilates and got massages and did not get lasting relief.   I have now joined the old ladies gym (Curves) and am feeling better physically as time goes by.   I think I have been in a hurry to get to wherever it is that breast cancer survivors go!  I refuse to believe that God brought me through all that He has to have me live a life of mediocrity.

My life has been pretty consumed with Mark and his health and have not worked on my stuff.
I am finally feeling the grief of losing the Mark that I married and adjusting to what the brain seizures    
have left us with.  Every day is different :) Please God give me strength and wisdom.

It's Spring out side and I feel it in my soul as well.
Saturday was such a picture perfect day ( even with the wind blowing) because my 5 little grand babies were outside running all over the place. They went out there clean and fresh faced and by the time they came in, they all had dirty faces and had been running for hours!!! Tired babes and LaLa and Papa!

Happy April 22, 2013 !

Give thanks

Yesterday was our first Thanksgiving without our friend/brother Steve.  We could all feel the void that his death left us with as we started gathering in the kitchen to check out all of the food that had been placed on the counter.  The comment was made several times that it felt like half of our 'crew' is missing and it is only one person!  Some one brought a sweet potato casserole (which had become Steve's dish to bring) and when I saw it, my eyes welled up with tears.  I noticed a few other misty eyed people so I knew they were thinking of him as well. 
He would blow in like a huge gust of wind had picked him up and dropped him at our door step.  Hair askew and a loud 'HOLA" (as only a non-Mexican can say hola) and he would come up the stairs.  Then he would put his sweet potato casserole front and  center of the rest of the food and ALWAYS he would bring baklava!  He would whip it out like it was a big surprise :)  Everyone would jump on the baklava and the look of delight on his face will always remain etched in my memory.  Almost immediately he would say to me, "what would you like me to do?" Thank you God for Steve.
Last year at this time my hair was just starting to look like a white mini afro and my hope was that the Lord would help me to make it through more radiation.  I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy another Thanksgiving with most of my family and that I am cancer free. 
It's back to my pilates on Monday.  I do them on my own and then my instructor gets to show me the correct way of doing them when I meet with her.  My biggest challenge is that I want to hurry up and do them.  I must slow down. 
I don't remember if I have blogged since my anxiety attack during my brain MRI.  I have had a couple since then and I have no clue why I have started having them at this age.  I guess it is sort of like post traumatic stress....Dr. M was not at all surprised so I guess I should just roll with it as well. He changed one of my meds that has some steroids in it and I feel much more sane.
Most of my days are filled with busy stuff and most days are good days but I am not going to say that they are ALL good.  I am still in recovery and it will be a while before I feel 100%.  My toes are still numb and painful from the chemo and I have some nasty charlie horses in my lower legs.  I could go on and on about my woes as far as my body goes but not today.....I am  so very grateful for my family and friends that have continued to pray for me and allowed me to become accustomed to my new normal.  I really don't recognize the critter that I have become!! HA! 
Almost every day Mark and I grab each others hands and say "it's you and me babe" and off we go to find something to get into :) Today, however, we are going to do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Happy day after Thanksgiving!