This morning as Mark and I were reading my blog from this day two years ago, we realized yet again how fortunate we are.  This was my last radiation treatment and the gratitude was oozing from my blog.

How interesting that only a few short years have passed and the gratitude has turned to complacency and silent whining.  I'm not going to say that I feel that I am the only one that goes through this but I was very convicted about how we (I) take God for granted.  I'm a spoiled turd!  

I long for the feeling of total dependency on Him and yesterday everything came to a head for Mark and me.  So....there I was again, on my face before the Lord asking for guidance because my self will had certainly run riot and run over all that I love and hold dear.  
Not that long ago, a dear friend was going through some chronic pain and we were talking about how sometimes it takes that kind of crap for the Lord to get our attention.  We both marveled at how amazing God is and that we have grown so grateful and grown spiritually because of the trials that we have been through AND that we hope we never forget this time of 'enlightenment'. 

I am not going to speak for her but I know that for me, I slowly started to take over and mentally convince myself somehow that God had given me all control of what is going on in my life...and in Mark's life too!  I never verbalized it but my actions certainly were saying it.

Too long of a story to go into all of the events that have come into our lives but this morning I am grateful that God gave me enough rope to maybe not hang myself but certainly to start gasping for air with bulging eyeballs!!

I have almost single handed sabotaged all that is good in my life because of my crazy ass thinking.
What happens to us?  When do we decide that we know what is best?  Only God can decide what is good for anyone.  It's no dang wonder I have been depressed!  I had taken on many problems that were not mine.  I didn't tell anyone but silently like an ugly spell, I felt responsible for everyone around me.  

I feel that it is safe to blog this because I haven't blogged for a long time and the 'excitement' of the cancer of 20ll is over.  Although safe is not a good word. I just need to vent.  

This morning I decided to read the book of Job and wow!  Not that I am comparing myself with him and all of the stuff he went through but there was some really good stuff in there.  I am only on chapter 6.  

I have identified my opponent and it is me.  I have been living in the past and not letting me or Mark move on into the future.  Whatever it may be, I know that it will be good.  I really believe that but sweet Jesus, has this been a ride!  The last year has been more than I have ever handled since I quit drugs and alcohol almost 30 years ago.   

The sweet thing is that after Mark and I talked and talked and talked, we got on our knees and thanked God for all that He has given us and we asked for His help and guidance.  Did it change anything?  Absolutely!   In the heavenly places I am sure that there was quite a commotion because Mark and I were together on our knees before our King, humbly asking for His help.  

If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers and maybe be encouraged that nothing is too big for our God.  He really does know our hearts and He knows what is going on in our pea brains.  I truly felt like He was smiling at us and saying to me, " I understand and I will show you soon that all is well." 

I lost my way for a little while but I am back on the trail where there is only one set of foot prints. :)

How blessed are you and me?! 
 

April 2013! Really?

I am so surprized when I realize that months have flown by and it has now been 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I wish that I could say that my life has been peachy keen and that all is well now.  I guess I can say that it is peachy on some days but deep in my gut there is something missing.  I can't quite put my finger on it  and apparently God does not want to reveal it to me .  Dang, I wish He would just tell me what it is already.

I find that if I stay in the moment and really be present in it , I feel better.  A few months ago I had been struggling with lots of shoulder and back pain.  It was daily agony and I tried to muscle through it but some days it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had a melt down a while back and I was taken off of one of the meds that was making me koo koo but the chronic pain was making  me feel just as nuts.   I went to pilates and got massages and did not get lasting relief.   I have now joined the old ladies gym (Curves) and am feeling better physically as time goes by.   I think I have been in a hurry to get to wherever it is that breast cancer survivors go!  I refuse to believe that God brought me through all that He has to have me live a life of mediocrity.

My life has been pretty consumed with Mark and his health and have not worked on my stuff.
I am finally feeling the grief of losing the Mark that I married and adjusting to what the brain seizures    
have left us with.  Every day is different :) Please God give me strength and wisdom.

It's Spring out side and I feel it in my soul as well.
Saturday was such a picture perfect day ( even with the wind blowing) because my 5 little grand babies were outside running all over the place. They went out there clean and fresh faced and by the time they came in, they all had dirty faces and had been running for hours!!! Tired babes and LaLa and Papa!

Happy April 22, 2013 !

Give thanks

Yesterday was our first Thanksgiving without our friend/brother Steve.  We could all feel the void that his death left us with as we started gathering in the kitchen to check out all of the food that had been placed on the counter.  The comment was made several times that it felt like half of our 'crew' is missing and it is only one person!  Some one brought a sweet potato casserole (which had become Steve's dish to bring) and when I saw it, my eyes welled up with tears.  I noticed a few other misty eyed people so I knew they were thinking of him as well. 
He would blow in like a huge gust of wind had picked him up and dropped him at our door step.  Hair askew and a loud 'HOLA" (as only a non-Mexican can say hola) and he would come up the stairs.  Then he would put his sweet potato casserole front and  center of the rest of the food and ALWAYS he would bring baklava!  He would whip it out like it was a big surprise :)  Everyone would jump on the baklava and the look of delight on his face will always remain etched in my memory.  Almost immediately he would say to me, "what would you like me to do?" Thank you God for Steve.
Last year at this time my hair was just starting to look like a white mini afro and my hope was that the Lord would help me to make it through more radiation.  I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy another Thanksgiving with most of my family and that I am cancer free. 
It's back to my pilates on Monday.  I do them on my own and then my instructor gets to show me the correct way of doing them when I meet with her.  My biggest challenge is that I want to hurry up and do them.  I must slow down. 
I don't remember if I have blogged since my anxiety attack during my brain MRI.  I have had a couple since then and I have no clue why I have started having them at this age.  I guess it is sort of like post traumatic stress....Dr. M was not at all surprised so I guess I should just roll with it as well. He changed one of my meds that has some steroids in it and I feel much more sane.
Most of my days are filled with busy stuff and most days are good days but I am not going to say that they are ALL good.  I am still in recovery and it will be a while before I feel 100%.  My toes are still numb and painful from the chemo and I have some nasty charlie horses in my lower legs.  I could go on and on about my woes as far as my body goes but not today.....I am  so very grateful for my family and friends that have continued to pray for me and allowed me to become accustomed to my new normal.  I really don't recognize the critter that I have become!! HA! 
Almost every day Mark and I grab each others hands and say "it's you and me babe" and off we go to find something to get into :) Today, however, we are going to do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Happy day after Thanksgiving!

I flunked!

Well, almost exactly a month ago I blogged that I had a migraine and that the docs had said to notify them when another one blind sided me and last week was it!  I had labs on thursday for I am not sure what reason but they said I needed to give blood so I did....  The brain MRI was this morning at 7:45 and Mark and I were there bright and early.  I didn't feel that it was going to be any big deal because I had a couple of them  pre-mastectomy. (Remember when I had to have my mammary glands hanging in 2 slot thingys as I lay in the tube thingy?) Yeah, that time.

Anyway moving right along, I took my jewelry off and took out my 'flipper' (fake tooth) and since I had no bra on (no boobs remember?) they let me keep my clothes on. 
I recognized the 'tube of claustrophobia fame' but had no fear of it because I don't have claustrophobia!!
I laid on my back and they asked me if I would like to listen to music with a head set on because it is very loud and I said "yes please". "Which radio station? " she sweetly asked. Me: "K-LOVE please".

All seemed fine until they clipped a cage thing around my face...."No problem," I thought, "I will listen to lovely praise and worship music and my strong faith will get me through this in no time". Ahhhh, I will just close my eyes and relax.....

Bang, bang, bang, and clatter, clatter, clatter and lots of noise later, a scene from CSI  floated through my mind....one of the characters was buried alive in a coffin with a glass lid and the bad guy was watching him through a camera and the guy that was buried was losing his mind in there!!! 

OMG, what is wrong with my hands and why are these people singing praise and worship songs so loud in my ears and how do I wipe the sweat that is beading around my nostrils when I have this cage around my face!!!  I gotta get outta here! I was trying not to move because I did not want to do this over again since about 10 minutes had gone by. AND SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN THIS MUSIC OFF!!! Help me Jesus, help me Lord! HELP!!!! ANYBODY!!!!

LONNNNG story, I finally got out for a few seconds and they gave me a little ball that I could squeeze if I felt like I was gonna wig out again.   I wigged out one more time :(   I suck....
I felt so bad for these poor girls and they were so kind to me.  They said that if I had another MRI, I was a good candidate for an anti anxiety drug....I will take 2 please.  Better yet, knock me out cold.

I have never had anything like this happen to me and it was very unnerving but I noticed that the feeling of shame over rode all of the other emotions except for sheer terror of course. 
There is no shame in the truth and the truth is that I felt scared poopless!!!  Thank goodness THAT didn't happen because I have heard somewhere that sometimes humans lose control of their bowels if they are frightened! HA!!!! or drunk!!! HAhahahaha!

I told the MRI girl that I liked her but "I am NEVER coming back here again!!!!"

Wow, talk about humbling....I skulked out of there with my jewelry and my tooth in my hand.  Oh my, what a morning!  I will pretend that God planned it all to happen this way because I was so cocky going in....but could you have shown a little mercy God? 
Tomorrow is a new day! Tra la la.....
Have a good night all,  Barney Fife