Give thanks

Yesterday was our first Thanksgiving without our friend/brother Steve.  We could all feel the void that his death left us with as we started gathering in the kitchen to check out all of the food that had been placed on the counter.  The comment was made several times that it felt like half of our 'crew' is missing and it is only one person!  Some one brought a sweet potato casserole (which had become Steve's dish to bring) and when I saw it, my eyes welled up with tears.  I noticed a few other misty eyed people so I knew they were thinking of him as well. 
He would blow in like a huge gust of wind had picked him up and dropped him at our door step.  Hair askew and a loud 'HOLA" (as only a non-Mexican can say hola) and he would come up the stairs.  Then he would put his sweet potato casserole front and  center of the rest of the food and ALWAYS he would bring baklava!  He would whip it out like it was a big surprise :)  Everyone would jump on the baklava and the look of delight on his face will always remain etched in my memory.  Almost immediately he would say to me, "what would you like me to do?" Thank you God for Steve.
Last year at this time my hair was just starting to look like a white mini afro and my hope was that the Lord would help me to make it through more radiation.  I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy another Thanksgiving with most of my family and that I am cancer free. 
It's back to my pilates on Monday.  I do them on my own and then my instructor gets to show me the correct way of doing them when I meet with her.  My biggest challenge is that I want to hurry up and do them.  I must slow down. 
I don't remember if I have blogged since my anxiety attack during my brain MRI.  I have had a couple since then and I have no clue why I have started having them at this age.  I guess it is sort of like post traumatic stress....Dr. M was not at all surprised so I guess I should just roll with it as well. He changed one of my meds that has some steroids in it and I feel much more sane.
Most of my days are filled with busy stuff and most days are good days but I am not going to say that they are ALL good.  I am still in recovery and it will be a while before I feel 100%.  My toes are still numb and painful from the chemo and I have some nasty charlie horses in my lower legs.  I could go on and on about my woes as far as my body goes but not today.....I am  so very grateful for my family and friends that have continued to pray for me and allowed me to become accustomed to my new normal.  I really don't recognize the critter that I have become!! HA! 
Almost every day Mark and I grab each others hands and say "it's you and me babe" and off we go to find something to get into :) Today, however, we are going to do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Happy day after Thanksgiving!

I flunked!

Well, almost exactly a month ago I blogged that I had a migraine and that the docs had said to notify them when another one blind sided me and last week was it!  I had labs on thursday for I am not sure what reason but they said I needed to give blood so I did....  The brain MRI was this morning at 7:45 and Mark and I were there bright and early.  I didn't feel that it was going to be any big deal because I had a couple of them  pre-mastectomy. (Remember when I had to have my mammary glands hanging in 2 slot thingys as I lay in the tube thingy?) Yeah, that time.

Anyway moving right along, I took my jewelry off and took out my 'flipper' (fake tooth) and since I had no bra on (no boobs remember?) they let me keep my clothes on. 
I recognized the 'tube of claustrophobia fame' but had no fear of it because I don't have claustrophobia!!
I laid on my back and they asked me if I would like to listen to music with a head set on because it is very loud and I said "yes please". "Which radio station? " she sweetly asked. Me: "K-LOVE please".

All seemed fine until they clipped a cage thing around my face...."No problem," I thought, "I will listen to lovely praise and worship music and my strong faith will get me through this in no time". Ahhhh, I will just close my eyes and relax.....

Bang, bang, bang, and clatter, clatter, clatter and lots of noise later, a scene from CSI  floated through my mind....one of the characters was buried alive in a coffin with a glass lid and the bad guy was watching him through a camera and the guy that was buried was losing his mind in there!!! 

OMG, what is wrong with my hands and why are these people singing praise and worship songs so loud in my ears and how do I wipe the sweat that is beading around my nostrils when I have this cage around my face!!!  I gotta get outta here! I was trying not to move because I did not want to do this over again since about 10 minutes had gone by. AND SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN THIS MUSIC OFF!!! Help me Jesus, help me Lord! HELP!!!! ANYBODY!!!!

LONNNNG story, I finally got out for a few seconds and they gave me a little ball that I could squeeze if I felt like I was gonna wig out again.   I wigged out one more time :(   I suck....
I felt so bad for these poor girls and they were so kind to me.  They said that if I had another MRI, I was a good candidate for an anti anxiety drug....I will take 2 please.  Better yet, knock me out cold.

I have never had anything like this happen to me and it was very unnerving but I noticed that the feeling of shame over rode all of the other emotions except for sheer terror of course. 
There is no shame in the truth and the truth is that I felt scared poopless!!!  Thank goodness THAT didn't happen because I have heard somewhere that sometimes humans lose control of their bowels if they are frightened! HA!!!! or drunk!!! HAhahahaha!

I told the MRI girl that I liked her but "I am NEVER coming back here again!!!!"

Wow, talk about humbling....I skulked out of there with my jewelry and my tooth in my hand.  Oh my, what a morning!  I will pretend that God planned it all to happen this way because I was so cocky going in....but could you have shown a little mercy God? 
Tomorrow is a new day! Tra la la.....
Have a good night all,  Barney Fife

And the beat goes on.....

August 2012 and it has almost been 1 whole year for me since my life changed again forever!  Dontcha wonder how many times we have to change directions in this place we call our home?  As many as it takes I guess :)  

I had another 3 month check up this last week and all is well still.  The doctors only seemed a little concerned when I mentioned that I had a horrible migraine the day before.  I had to get meds for it because it was pretty unbearable.  The docs said that they would let this one headache slide but if I get another one, I am to let them know immediately and they will do a brain scan. bleh....

I had decided about a month or so ago that I did not feel that the Lord had gotten me through the hell of last year so that I live my life only half assed....I really have had an interesting time with getting used to my new body. Not only because my clothes fit weird but that 'something' is just not right!  I was floundering and no one seemed to understand.  Of course I had not said anything to anyone but am certain that those close to me noticed that I was beginning to resemble the hunch back of Notre Dame.  I finally got tired of the pain in my shoulders and upper back and went to a massage therapist.  She in turn recommended a gait analyst.  I cannot tell you how empowered ( sorry to use this much over used word) I felt when I came out of my meeting with her.  I felt like finally I was taking control of my other wise out of control circumstances.  She told me that my posture is poor and that my body has been through a trauma that I have been minimizing by not exercising it.  Those are my words but basically, my posture sucks and I need to exercise my poor old body that feels like it has been through so much already.  I told her that I would rather take a brutal and bloody beating before I exercise because I was picturing jumping jacks and sit ups and push ups and on and on.....but OH NO not this one....sly cute fox.... she has me doing pilates to strengthen my core muscles! Owch!  Our last session she said " you won't like me very much tomorrow"...I am beginning to feel stronger and I feel oddly peaceful but on the flip side a little crazy.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this journey.  I heard a song on K-LOVE the other day which described me exactly! " When I get locked inside my head you call my name and set me free!"  I don't know the name of it but the words really ministered to me and I realized that I have been locked inside my head and have been basically depressed.  My group calls it 'chemo brain' but if that were the case, some of you reading this could not relate and I know that almost everyone of you can totally understand what I have just said.  

Some days I feel so peaceful and full of love and on the very same day I can nose dive and feel like there is no hope for me.  ARRRGH!  I am woman hear me roar!!!  Except now I roar because I am a flaming lunatic! HA!  Thank goodness it passes as quickly as it comes on.  I can usually( in fact almost always) keep my 'mental condition' under wraps and no one notices - but you should see it from my side! Yikes, scarey!  

We had to put our beloved Lupe dog down a couple of weeks ago and I thought I might lose all control  but by the grace of God we all made it through that gut wrenching day.  Good bye little friend, see you someday soon.  The vet that came to our home and her assistant were amazing.  Our whole family- near and far- was in mourning  that day.  

So much seems to have happened this last month and I can't remember exactly what.  
Last week end my sister's son got married and it was a great time!  I wore a cute dress and no one seemed to notice that I had no boobs.  I have also realized that people really do not notice things like that.  Now that I have hair , I look just like everyone else :)

Daily reminder to me is that everything is out of my control.  Mind my own business and that God is the only One in control of all of this!  But God, what about .....and what about.....surely you don't mean.....! 

Just for today....
I choose to rest from worries.  Amen!

July is here already!

Amazing how fast our lives get back to the way they were before THE crisis.  My breasts are just a memory and all that is left are two huge scars on my chest to remind me that I really did have boobs!  My clothes  fit totally differently and I don't think that anyone notices that I am flat chested except for the odd little pooch that my sternum makes under my blouses.  People ask me how I am and I say 'great'!  If  I'm not so great, I say 'good' but I put a phoney lilt in the way that I say it.  (Some things will never change)

I have continued going to the 'Our Journey' group and am enjoying it.  I have also started going to a meditation group and have found it to be one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do.  I was a little leery of it at first because I am uncomfortable with 'woo woo' stuff but this is not like that at all.  I did not know how to quiet my mind and just focus on my breathing.  My mind races everywhere!  I finally got the hang of it and it is indeed quite relaxing. 

I have been staying very busy with all of the 'stuff' that I do but when I hit a wall, I sit down and rest....feels good.

I am working on letting others live their lives and live my own in peace and joy.  I find that nearly impossible especially when a loved one is suffering from their own issues. My friends and family mean everything to me and I forget that what they are going through is their own story or as I heard once...their own journey back to the Lord.  I feel a survivor guilt type of feeling when my life is on an even path and others are suffering.

For now, the biggy for me is keeping my thoughts as positive as I can and keeping my distance from negative people (and they are everywhere). 

I had blogged yesterday but when I saved it, it went "out there" somewhere.

I have had my 3 and 6 month check ups and they have been AOK!  God is good!
I have neuropathy in my feet and sometimes in my hands and little aches and pains here and there but hey...I'm alive ;) 
 Going to church and then dig in my flower beds and see what this day brings.  This is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!