Time really does fly as the saying goes...what a boring way to start my new self imposed therapy. I've decided to blog again so that I can get some of this chatter that goes on in my head on paper. I have spent alot of time alone since Mark has gotten more and more frail. I choose to be here with him watching over him like an old buzzard that is waiting for his next meal. I'm not saying that Mark is going to be my next meal but I do watch him alot while he sleeps. We've had the difficult conversations that most old people have about death and dying a peaceful death if at all possible and it should make things easier but nah, it doesn't. He is sleeping quite soundly right now. He hasn't woken up since he went to bed last night. I remember when I was in Seattle with Summer while she visited her dad in the hospital and the nurse said that he was 'actively dying". He was sleeping alot and not eating much. That's what Mark is doing on days like this and I wonder... Some days I want him to be free and move on and other days I never want to be without him. He's just a shadow of the man that he was but his love for me and for his kids is never ending. How I wish the grand kids could see him run the way he used to with our girls. Goofy pranks that he thought were so funny and no one else did.😂😂 Like the time that he was supposed to give Summer a slice of buttered bread and he stuck in on the side of her face 😒 To my great surprise, everyone at the table laughed. I think we were at Meis'. They were used to his pranks.
A few of my friends are very ill and are more than likely leaving this earth soon and I find myself wondering when my turn is coming. Not soon I hope. Carol and I were talking the other day and she mentioned how she is thinking more and more about death. I think that is quite normal for people as they get older. Why did I think that I would escape those thoughts. I never really thought about it. But here I am...
So much snow on the ground and I am really thinking about Spring and flowers and robins and lots of sunshine. Seasons change. They come and they go. Today will be yesterday tomorrow. 💕
Soon Mark will wake up and I will feel a little more secure and I will be happy to see his face. Even if it's nothing like the face that I remember from 15 years ago. Yep, it's been 15 years that our lives changed forever. In the blink of an eye, his brain seized and our world as we knew it became a memory only to us because on that day, Mark's memory was wiped clean. The word 'trauma' is being thrown around alot now a days so I am not going to use it right now.
Doing things that I had no idea that I thought I could do became normal for me. I did everything (almost everything) afraid. I hardly told anyone of the severity of my situation because I honestly did not know where to start. So, I will start right here. . . Not the retelling of Mark's story, just this new journey that I must take. One that only I know about and one that is revealed to me only as I go through it. No secrets here. I just need to talk it out. I don't even care if anyone reads this because I really am just trying to find my way back to where ever I need to be in order to be in God's will. For right now though, I need to check if Mark is breathing and to put clothes in the dryer.
Peace of Christ.✌
