Give thanks

Yesterday was our first Thanksgiving without our friend/brother Steve.  We could all feel the void that his death left us with as we started gathering in the kitchen to check out all of the food that had been placed on the counter.  The comment was made several times that it felt like half of our 'crew' is missing and it is only one person!  Some one brought a sweet potato casserole (which had become Steve's dish to bring) and when I saw it, my eyes welled up with tears.  I noticed a few other misty eyed people so I knew they were thinking of him as well. 
He would blow in like a huge gust of wind had picked him up and dropped him at our door step.  Hair askew and a loud 'HOLA" (as only a non-Mexican can say hola) and he would come up the stairs.  Then he would put his sweet potato casserole front and  center of the rest of the food and ALWAYS he would bring baklava!  He would whip it out like it was a big surprise :)  Everyone would jump on the baklava and the look of delight on his face will always remain etched in my memory.  Almost immediately he would say to me, "what would you like me to do?" Thank you God for Steve.
Last year at this time my hair was just starting to look like a white mini afro and my hope was that the Lord would help me to make it through more radiation.  I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy another Thanksgiving with most of my family and that I am cancer free. 
It's back to my pilates on Monday.  I do them on my own and then my instructor gets to show me the correct way of doing them when I meet with her.  My biggest challenge is that I want to hurry up and do them.  I must slow down. 
I don't remember if I have blogged since my anxiety attack during my brain MRI.  I have had a couple since then and I have no clue why I have started having them at this age.  I guess it is sort of like post traumatic stress....Dr. M was not at all surprised so I guess I should just roll with it as well. He changed one of my meds that has some steroids in it and I feel much more sane.
Most of my days are filled with busy stuff and most days are good days but I am not going to say that they are ALL good.  I am still in recovery and it will be a while before I feel 100%.  My toes are still numb and painful from the chemo and I have some nasty charlie horses in my lower legs.  I could go on and on about my woes as far as my body goes but not today.....I am  so very grateful for my family and friends that have continued to pray for me and allowed me to become accustomed to my new normal.  I really don't recognize the critter that I have become!! HA! 
Almost every day Mark and I grab each others hands and say "it's you and me babe" and off we go to find something to get into :) Today, however, we are going to do nothing, absolutely nothing.
Happy day after Thanksgiving!

I flunked!

Well, almost exactly a month ago I blogged that I had a migraine and that the docs had said to notify them when another one blind sided me and last week was it!  I had labs on thursday for I am not sure what reason but they said I needed to give blood so I did....  The brain MRI was this morning at 7:45 and Mark and I were there bright and early.  I didn't feel that it was going to be any big deal because I had a couple of them  pre-mastectomy. (Remember when I had to have my mammary glands hanging in 2 slot thingys as I lay in the tube thingy?) Yeah, that time.

Anyway moving right along, I took my jewelry off and took out my 'flipper' (fake tooth) and since I had no bra on (no boobs remember?) they let me keep my clothes on. 
I recognized the 'tube of claustrophobia fame' but had no fear of it because I don't have claustrophobia!!
I laid on my back and they asked me if I would like to listen to music with a head set on because it is very loud and I said "yes please". "Which radio station? " she sweetly asked. Me: "K-LOVE please".

All seemed fine until they clipped a cage thing around my face...."No problem," I thought, "I will listen to lovely praise and worship music and my strong faith will get me through this in no time". Ahhhh, I will just close my eyes and relax.....

Bang, bang, bang, and clatter, clatter, clatter and lots of noise later, a scene from CSI  floated through my mind....one of the characters was buried alive in a coffin with a glass lid and the bad guy was watching him through a camera and the guy that was buried was losing his mind in there!!! 

OMG, what is wrong with my hands and why are these people singing praise and worship songs so loud in my ears and how do I wipe the sweat that is beading around my nostrils when I have this cage around my face!!!  I gotta get outta here! I was trying not to move because I did not want to do this over again since about 10 minutes had gone by. AND SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN THIS MUSIC OFF!!! Help me Jesus, help me Lord! HELP!!!! ANYBODY!!!!

LONNNNG story, I finally got out for a few seconds and they gave me a little ball that I could squeeze if I felt like I was gonna wig out again.   I wigged out one more time :(   I suck....
I felt so bad for these poor girls and they were so kind to me.  They said that if I had another MRI, I was a good candidate for an anti anxiety drug....I will take 2 please.  Better yet, knock me out cold.

I have never had anything like this happen to me and it was very unnerving but I noticed that the feeling of shame over rode all of the other emotions except for sheer terror of course. 
There is no shame in the truth and the truth is that I felt scared poopless!!!  Thank goodness THAT didn't happen because I have heard somewhere that sometimes humans lose control of their bowels if they are frightened! HA!!!! or drunk!!! HAhahahaha!

I told the MRI girl that I liked her but "I am NEVER coming back here again!!!!"

Wow, talk about humbling....I skulked out of there with my jewelry and my tooth in my hand.  Oh my, what a morning!  I will pretend that God planned it all to happen this way because I was so cocky going in....but could you have shown a little mercy God? 
Tomorrow is a new day! Tra la la.....
Have a good night all,  Barney Fife

And the beat goes on.....

August 2012 and it has almost been 1 whole year for me since my life changed again forever!  Dontcha wonder how many times we have to change directions in this place we call our home?  As many as it takes I guess :)  

I had another 3 month check up this last week and all is well still.  The doctors only seemed a little concerned when I mentioned that I had a horrible migraine the day before.  I had to get meds for it because it was pretty unbearable.  The docs said that they would let this one headache slide but if I get another one, I am to let them know immediately and they will do a brain scan. bleh....

I had decided about a month or so ago that I did not feel that the Lord had gotten me through the hell of last year so that I live my life only half assed....I really have had an interesting time with getting used to my new body. Not only because my clothes fit weird but that 'something' is just not right!  I was floundering and no one seemed to understand.  Of course I had not said anything to anyone but am certain that those close to me noticed that I was beginning to resemble the hunch back of Notre Dame.  I finally got tired of the pain in my shoulders and upper back and went to a massage therapist.  She in turn recommended a gait analyst.  I cannot tell you how empowered ( sorry to use this much over used word) I felt when I came out of my meeting with her.  I felt like finally I was taking control of my other wise out of control circumstances.  She told me that my posture is poor and that my body has been through a trauma that I have been minimizing by not exercising it.  Those are my words but basically, my posture sucks and I need to exercise my poor old body that feels like it has been through so much already.  I told her that I would rather take a brutal and bloody beating before I exercise because I was picturing jumping jacks and sit ups and push ups and on and on.....but OH NO not this one....sly cute fox.... she has me doing pilates to strengthen my core muscles! Owch!  Our last session she said " you won't like me very much tomorrow"...I am beginning to feel stronger and I feel oddly peaceful but on the flip side a little crazy.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this journey.  I heard a song on K-LOVE the other day which described me exactly! " When I get locked inside my head you call my name and set me free!"  I don't know the name of it but the words really ministered to me and I realized that I have been locked inside my head and have been basically depressed.  My group calls it 'chemo brain' but if that were the case, some of you reading this could not relate and I know that almost everyone of you can totally understand what I have just said.  

Some days I feel so peaceful and full of love and on the very same day I can nose dive and feel like there is no hope for me.  ARRRGH!  I am woman hear me roar!!!  Except now I roar because I am a flaming lunatic! HA!  Thank goodness it passes as quickly as it comes on.  I can usually( in fact almost always) keep my 'mental condition' under wraps and no one notices - but you should see it from my side! Yikes, scarey!  

We had to put our beloved Lupe dog down a couple of weeks ago and I thought I might lose all control  but by the grace of God we all made it through that gut wrenching day.  Good bye little friend, see you someday soon.  The vet that came to our home and her assistant were amazing.  Our whole family- near and far- was in mourning  that day.  

So much seems to have happened this last month and I can't remember exactly what.  
Last week end my sister's son got married and it was a great time!  I wore a cute dress and no one seemed to notice that I had no boobs.  I have also realized that people really do not notice things like that.  Now that I have hair , I look just like everyone else :)

Daily reminder to me is that everything is out of my control.  Mind my own business and that God is the only One in control of all of this!  But God, what about .....and what about.....surely you don't mean.....! 

Just for today....
I choose to rest from worries.  Amen!

July is here already!

Amazing how fast our lives get back to the way they were before THE crisis.  My breasts are just a memory and all that is left are two huge scars on my chest to remind me that I really did have boobs!  My clothes  fit totally differently and I don't think that anyone notices that I am flat chested except for the odd little pooch that my sternum makes under my blouses.  People ask me how I am and I say 'great'!  If  I'm not so great, I say 'good' but I put a phoney lilt in the way that I say it.  (Some things will never change)

I have continued going to the 'Our Journey' group and am enjoying it.  I have also started going to a meditation group and have found it to be one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do.  I was a little leery of it at first because I am uncomfortable with 'woo woo' stuff but this is not like that at all.  I did not know how to quiet my mind and just focus on my breathing.  My mind races everywhere!  I finally got the hang of it and it is indeed quite relaxing. 

I have been staying very busy with all of the 'stuff' that I do but when I hit a wall, I sit down and rest....feels good.

I am working on letting others live their lives and live my own in peace and joy.  I find that nearly impossible especially when a loved one is suffering from their own issues. My friends and family mean everything to me and I forget that what they are going through is their own story or as I heard once...their own journey back to the Lord.  I feel a survivor guilt type of feeling when my life is on an even path and others are suffering.

For now, the biggy for me is keeping my thoughts as positive as I can and keeping my distance from negative people (and they are everywhere). 

I had blogged yesterday but when I saved it, it went "out there" somewhere.

I have had my 3 and 6 month check ups and they have been AOK!  God is good!
I have neuropathy in my feet and sometimes in my hands and little aches and pains here and there but hey...I'm alive ;) 
 Going to church and then dig in my flower beds and see what this day brings.  This is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!

Spring time in my life

I have been pressing buttons on this blog-a-ma-jig...can you tell?
HA!  let me see what did I do...
I  have been working in my yard for as long as my strength lasts (which is not nearly as long as I would like but I will take what ever I can get.  I love how I come inside exhausted from bending over and pulling weeds.  Although I can't use my left arm for much, my right one is a worthy adversary for the weeds that grew during last years sabbatical.  I have raked and raked and get a nice little pile of weeds ready for the big black bag and from out of nowhere a little blonde 2 1/2  year old comes plowing through them!  It seems to be Logan's calling in life to jump in the middle of my neat piles of dry leaves.  Julianna found a really old hammer buried in the dirt and she is hammering a tree stump :)
Some men from the electric company came by to trim our trees that may or may not be in their lines.  They asked us if we needed any other trees trimmed and Mark asked them to cut down an old tree that had been struck by lightning once and has  never been the same...he said sure we can do that!  Then Mark asked if they could cut down the pesky cottonwood that produces 'bushels' of cotton in the late spring and early summer as well as 'millions' of aphids that drop aphid juice all over the yard and anything or anyone that is under it.  'Yes, that is no problem" said the friendly tree trimmer.  Mark asked that thy leave the willow tree next to the cottonwood because it is healthy and quite lovely.   Well.........I went out to check on the work they had done and the old lightning struck tree was gone...nice.   BUT the willow tree that was just coming into it's own after years of struggling was gone...poof!  AND....the cottonwood tree is standing tall and proud and singing praises to the Lord for sparing it again!  GRRRRR.  Surely there is something that I can spray on it so that it does not produce cotton!  Help!
 No biggie.  I am alive and I am able to work in my yard and I feel good.  My grand children will be able to once again run and play in my yard as I dig in the dirt.  I now have to wear a hat and wear this arm thingy, plus wear gloves always so that I don't get a scratch or cut and risk infection on that lymphless arm.   Actually I only had 13 taken out and I think we have alot more than that but I guess it is still not good to get an infection.
Mark and I spent a few days in Lewistown with Dana and Summer and Autumn and Dominic a few weeks ago.  It was very enjoyable to watch how Dommie LOVED to be with his Papa.  No one else existed when Mark would walk in.  Summer, Autumn and I worked outside while they watched tv.  I do love that they are only a short drive away from us.  
My Lupe and Bella love when I go outside as well.  It must seem to them like I abandoned them last year.  My faithful little mutts.
Life is good.
I am grateful and have much work to do.  But first I think I will rest, all of a sudden I am tired.
Logan and Jonah both have croup and since Whit and Ryan were going to take them to the circus, Mark and I are taking Julianna to it tonight.  She is spending the day and the night, maybe the weekend with us because the docs said to keep the sick ones away from the healthy ones. She and her PaPa are napping right now.  
Yes, life is truly good.
 

and the beat goes on

Almost a month and no blogging....getting complacent?  I guess I think that I am done writing because I am finished with last year.   However, the evidence that my body has been through quite a battle is very apparent.  Not just the scars that have replaced my breasts, but my aching joints from the anti hormone drug that I am on and NOW, my eyelashes are falling out again!  I am down to about 5 on one eyelid and maybe 6 or if I am really counting, maybe 7 on the other.  My friend that went through the same thing a few months before me had just told me a few weeks ago that her eyelashes were falling out again and I wondered if that would happen to me as well....well, wonder no more....chicken eye lids!

If you were tracking me, you would notice that my foot prints have been very zig zaggy for the last month or so.  I have been the great wanderer trying to find my right niche again.  I have not really been trying very hard to fit in any where but I was feeling a little confused and sort of lost there for a while.  

I have started spending my first waking moments in prayer and asking God for guidance for the day.  After prayer, I read a psalm and do a study on what I have read.  It seems to have brought my focus back to my first love, God, and taken it off of the almighty ME.  It feels right.  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Every day seems to bring me a little bit more of emotional strength and mental clarity.  I have a tendency to isolate because I don't want to reveal anything to anyone that they may use against me at a later date ....just as I am typing this I realize that paranoia has been my close companion for a little while as well.   Geez, talk about a looney tune! 

As I write this, I know that I can now say, " Last year was a very scarey time for me ".  I know that I was not alone but you know what I am saying...Little Miss Much Afraid...that was me. 
I can now say that I made it and it was ALL because of prayers and God's mercy.

So moving right along- Mark and I have been busy with little finishing touches on our little pad.  I feel alive again with anticipation of the future. I am not 100% yet but it feels so good to be alive and feel like doing something around here.  Mark and I do our 'busy' work around our nap schedules so it is slow but our home will be finished soon.  Then it is time to work on the patio....

Thank you Lord for my life.

I am Woman...

Happy Valentines day!  Today is the day!  Well, maybe this evening is or maybe tomorrow but I am one step closer to squaring off with one of my unrealistic fears....I am making cut out sugar cookies!!!!  I have only made them (or attempted to make them) once in all of my life.  It was a disaster!!! As I recall,  the making of the dough took way too long and I had a terrible time getting the dough out of the cookie cutter.  This year I bought a very pretty, bright red, heart shaped cookie thingy.   My life has been a little on the busy side so I did not get the cookies made before Valentines day.  I had grandiose plans of gifting my little treasures on this day but obviously I have found other things to do to keep me away from my fear of failure.....like blogging when I have nothing of interest to share :)  See how this works....procrastinate long enough and I don't make Valentine cookies until next year.   However the dough is made and it was remarkably easy.  It is now in the refrigerator for 3 hours as per the recipe.  Let's see, that will be after my bedtime which is 10:00 and I still need to roll out the dough AND then cut them out AND bake them!  Way too late!  I DO need to take care of myself and get a good nights rest.  Yes, that excuse is perfect!

HEY!  Fruit pizza!  I use sugar cookie dough for that!  Easy peasy....or.....I could cut out Easter egg cookies :(
Maybe shamrocks for St. Patrick's day....how long does cookie dough last in the frig?

A very peace filled day today.  Oh how I wish I could bottle my peace and share it.    God has given me another chance at this life and "live it" I must do!  So many hurting people and that burden is not for me to carry.  I need to lay all of this that scurries around in my head at the foot of the cross.  God is the only one that can do ALL things.  What a relief that is...

I need to go and ponder what I will do about the cookie dough that is calling out to me from the refrigerator.

Again, Happy Valentines day to you all!

What a month this has been!  Mark and I have been cleaning out Steve's apt. and putting some of his things in storage so his kids can go through them at a later date.  
Steve's funeral service was packed with so many people that he had touched in one way or another.  Mark and I were asked to be 2 of  the pall bearers.  We were honored to help carry his earthly body to its resting place. 


It still seems very unreal to me that we will not see him here again.
  
One morning I woke up with the thought that it is time to move on.   I think it was the morning after we had finished cleaning his place and gone out to dinner in his honor.  We were all pretty grubby but we did not care because we were finally DONE!  We took turns sharing stories of the outrageous stuff that we have experienced at the hands of Steve Seidel ;)  Once in a while I would notice that someone would get a little misty eyed but quickly recovered with another belly laugh.

Anyway, the morning after, I felt that it was time to 'look to this day for it is good '.

Tonight Mark and I are playing grandma and grandpa and it will be fun!  Life does go on and guess what?  So does Love.  Our love will go on for Steve even if he is not here with us physically.

Our new digs are coming along nicely and my sister is working on some tile designs for the back splash around my kitchen counter.   Sounds very ethnic!  I have chosen to throw in a little Mexican flair here and there...surprized?   I have absolutely no artistic imagination so I am sort of at her mercy....which I hate.  I am the big sister you know.

In a couple of weeks I go in for some blood work to see if all of the cancer cells were killed with the treatments.  I am confident that they are dead as dead can be but I guess I will have to go in every 6 months for check ups for a while. 

I am not feeling 100% yet but pretty dang close!    There are daily reminders that I have been through quite a battle and that I cannot get complacent about my recovery. 


Guess I gotta get off of this because I just lost a very witty paragraph and I can't remember what it was.  Wonder where it went? I pressed the wrong key maybe.


My grand babies are ALL gorgeous...all five of them!  


Good night all!
 

Life truly is but a vapor

Our brother and our friend went in for emergency open heart surgery yesterday.  He was a young man of 55 and now a days (to me anyway) open heart surgery is an every day occurrence!  His words were, " I guess my aorta is leaking into my chest and they need to do a little valve replacement. I will be here for about a week. " He did not make it through the surgery and we are all in a state of shock!  The waves of gut wrenching sobs just keep coming.  They are inter mixed with the laughter of memories of this dear person that one minute you could wring his neck and the next there was nothing but love for the kindness that came from him.  I like to think of him as the little cartoon character, Pigpen, in the Peanuts cartoon....  He would laugh at this as well.  It was common knowledge in our/his family that Steve was 'an accident waiting to happen'.   He was like a faithful little mutt that was so happy to be a part of a family that loved and accepted him with all of his little quirks.  He did the same for us.  No matter how bitchy any of us were, he just kept coming back and with a couple of packages of his homemade baklava....and shallow as we are, all was forgiven :)
A missing piece of puzzle that makes this family what it is ( complicated and very hard to understand) is missing and we are all floundering.  We take turns crying and then getting strength  from the gales of laughter that escapes from our fond   memory of Steve Seidel. 

I don't understand this at all and my eyes are swollen from the salt in my tears...God, please help me to understand what the purpose is in this. 

I realize that I have depended on this quirky, mischievous, caring  man for a lot of things.  My main dependence was that he kept tabs on Mark as closely as I did.   The roles switched when Mark started having brain seizures.  By the roles I mean the one between him and Mark.  Mark had always been the 'big' brother and Steve the little one that was forever getting himself into "fixes" that Mark had to get him out of.  Steve quickly 'grew up' when Mark needed someone to watch out for him when I wasn't around.  He would text me secretly when he had a concern for Mark and I would do the same.  Oh, now, DO NOT get me wrong --there were times that I wanted to knock him out--but mostly, he was my little brother and Uncle Steve to my girls and grand kids. 

My mom called him 'el hermano' when she lived with us.  She considered him part of our pack as well.  She loved Steve because he loved us.  She loved him because he loved to eat like all of us do : ) She loved him because she thought he was a good man.  She loved him because WE loved him.


I did not realize how much we loved him nor how much I love every member of my family and my friends.   I do not want to wait until any of you die before I realize that.  I am NOT ready to have family gatherings without our brother.  I weep because I will not ever see him on this earth again.  I smile because I know that he is peace filled and worry free.  I am so very happy that I told him that we loved him and that we were all praying for him...my last words to him were....'see you soon' !  

So much to process...the veil between life and death.  I want to just shake God and ask "WHY!!!" and 'what does this mean?'  How much more God?   Cool side bar here...today we had to go to Steve's apt. and his bible was on his bed.  I took it for a sign (because I like signs) that - it's all good! 
 
Tomorrow is a new day so perhaps I need some sleep because the bible says that  "Joy comes in the morning".  Amen :)