Whatever black cloud that has come over me for the last day and a half is almost gone. I know that some of you out there are aware of those dark days that come over us for no reason. Yesterday I came home from my day of volunteering at Set Free Ministries because I had neuropathy in my feet and in two of my fingers. It seemed to be getting worse and I had been advised to elevate my feet so I figured that I could do that at home. I guess I chose to believe that it was Gods' way of making me sit down and enjoy just 'sitting'. However, I was totally unprepared for the feelings of deep dark something to settle in with me. Do any of you remember that song that says 'I've been through the desert on a horse with no name'...That's sort of the feeling that I had. Where do these come from? This morning I was not much better even after I had a good nights sleep! I was worse than angry, I was very sad. Overwhelming sadness. Nothing had changed except that it was a new day and I was helpless over the waves of sadness and the tears that spilled over my eyelids. My little dog Bella never left my side and she kept looking at me with her gorgeous brown eyes and would whimper every once in awhile. I wish she could tell me what she knows....I am certain that she was telling me some remedy but I do not speak 'Pomeranian'. I know that many people have told me to call if I ever need to 'vent' but honestly, I felt too tired to even know where to start....and quite honestly, I did not feel like talking to anyone (so I turned my cell phone off.)
Is this the moment that Dr. Deb said would come when my brain would feel like mush? Wow, I get the feeling that the really interesting stuff is just about to begin. I confess that I let my eyes drift away from the Lord and I tried desperately to fix it myself. When I stopped trying to figure it out and just cried out to Him, I finally felt a little relief. Summer text(ed) me a prayer and that made me cry all over again but the release was what I needed.
I have been over my gratitude list and I have done all of the things that I have learned to do over the years and nothing seemed to help. This chemo fog (if this is what it is), is a whole new rodeo for me.
But it is not new for the Lord my God and to Him I am clinging! Get on your prayer bones Flashlights and Firefly because I WAS in trouble but now am needing strength to get back up again. I am a little wobbly but I think I can, I think I can....
Aug.2012
Mark and I ready for Blades wedding
The first ring
Dec. 7 2011
the bell of Victory!
Reading the plaque
Patients ring this bell on their last treatment.
6 comments:
Let me try this again...All Dana and I could say after I read this "Wow." Wow Mama. Even though you went to this dark place for just a bit please please know that you did reach out, you shared with all of us. Now, you know that if/when you get there you have been there and you can step over the pile of poo that is "chemo brain". Love you Mother.
Julie, I have NEVER known you to "share" this way!! I agree...wow! This is your strength, you have just poured your heart out to all of us who love you and ARE praying for you! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Every one of us flashlights have just put on our armor and got on our knees for you! Put that picture in your mind. :) Love you...Carla
OK Prima I remember you telling me months ago that your Mom would have moments like that and I do have them too and that is without Chemo. We are all here for you but God is the only one who decides what happens and when. Keep your faith in him. Love you ** Fina
Your honesty pours out and I pray that God hears your cry. I know that turning to our Lord is followed by peace and you stand so firm there always. I think when we fall short and are in the dark, and want to fix things ourselves, it is with great relief when we turn to Him again and listen and even if we don't hear anything we by faith know He is with us and trust he will comfort us. I pray you feel His presence and comfort. Love, Patti
Just sending our arms to hold you and give you hugs. I've been told many times that God never let's go so between all of us we're holding on tight. Kisses too Love George & Melanie
This is strange, but the last three weeks I have had a feeling of great sadness too. I feel like my life as I know it is about to change. Strange that we're having the same thoughts. I know that once I get up and go outside the feeling will subside. Some days I'm happy and actually see the colors around me, but it doesn't happen unless I keep busy. It breaks my heart to know you're suffering, but my last thoughts and prayers at night are for your recovery, and the safety of my grandsons and daughter. If I can make it one more day then that's good. But my joy is fleeting and I have to struggle to hang on to it to keep it from floating away. Still praying for you, love you and hope I can see you someday - Cousin Is.
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