10 years out and now I have a new sparring partner!

October 2020 I walked into a meeting with my 'tribe' and walked right back out again as I felt this creepy feeling of "OMG, I think I'm going to faint! "  NO clue what was going on but I just had the feeling that I needed to go home and maybe get to a walk in clinic.  The doctor on duty told me that basically I needed to exercise and that the feeling of fatigue that I had in my legs was from weak muscles and that at my age I need to stay active and work out. At the very least, go for walks.  Anyone that knows me knows that I don't just sit around and do nothing but I guess I felt that the doctor knows best and that because I have never been this old before, I need to formally work out ( I had no intention of doing that but it sounded good ;-) )  I got sent home beating myself up because I had gone to the clinic and there was nothing wrong with me!  After a  week I went in again. I felt awful but was not running a high temp nor did I have a cough or runny nose.  I. just. felt. miserable.  Once again I got told that there was really nothing wrong with me except that I was a little dehydrated.  A bag of intravenous fluids and off I went.  By now I had been in and out of bed with an incredible fatigue for a week.  One day Whit came home from work with a new lemon scented candle and I couldn't smell it.  She rang the alarm and off I went to get tested for the big and bad covid 19.  Positive... back to bed and so began my 5 week journey of bed rest and much free floating anxiety.  It was an incredibly lonely and frightful stint!  I can't explain the fear that would crowd into my mind and the weird and debilitating feeling of "yuck" that my body would feel. No words to define the sensation all over my body... I don't know why I felt that I couldn't call my doctor but I didn't want him to put me in the hospital. I had a scheduled appointment with him in about 3 weeks so I waited until then to see him.   By the time I went in, I had been to hell and back physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I had not felt that sick EVER!  Not even in the year that I went through chemo and radiation plus a double mastectomy.    I have not been afraid of dying but I tell you what...I was afraid that I was dying and not ready at all to meet my maker!  My faith in God has always been so strong but for some reason my brain was not functioning the way that it normally does and nothing about me felt like it was me thinking these thoughts!!!  So scary!   It felt like I was in a spiritual desert and God was nowhere to be found and worse yet, that HE didn't know where I was!  I would force myself to get up and walk to the front door and back to bed so that I would get a little bit of exercise.  Plus I forced myself to drink water so that I wouldn't get dehydrated.  I didn't want anyone to come see me so that they wouldn't get sick but I soon found myself feeling very lonely. I finally asked Whitney to at least peek in on me and say hello to me when she brought Mark something to eat.  

I remember feeling sorry for all of the people that have died alone in the hospital because they are quarantined and how much better they would have felt if only they had been able to at least see their family.  God made us to be with loved ones. In Genesis He said "it is not good for man to be alone".  

My thoughts were not my own it seemed like.  I was becoming depressed and wondering if this was the end for me....I never want to visit this time in my life again.

Which brings me to the reason that I am blogging about this.  My primary care doc had given me a steroid and Z pak when I finally got in to see him and it worked like magic.  I began to feel better almost immediately.  Still got very fatigued and I had a lingering buzzing/ringing going on in my head.  So a very long story made shorter, I started to feel sick again around April and it continued until recently (this is June 10)  The doc sent me to a post covid clinic and I have been through more tests and doctors than I care to think about.  

I am also in a post covid therapy group and the facilitator,  a psychotherapist, suggested that I blog my covid experience the way I did going through breast cancer treatment.  This is totally different because the team of doctors that I had for cancer were very knowledgeable and had worked with thousands of cancer patients.  This team of covid docs freely admit that they know very little about this illness and that basically we, the patients, are helping them learn about this illness. 

OK. This has gone on long enough.  I will add as I see fit or if Stephanie (facilitator) tells me that is my homework for the week. 

Later.

2017 - So Over this! God are you listeneing?

I have no idea when my last blog was but I think it must be at least 2 years.  I know that I have written a few and not posted them because I sounded like a  mad woman!  I recognize that I have much anger deep inside that rears it's ugly head every once in a while and nothing gets resolved really...I just end up feeling more frustrated with guilt at what a bitch I am thrown in.  I have no more reserves to tap into and I emotionally can not carry on as I have been for the last year or so.  Although God has provided all that we need and more,  I still carry around the dead carcass of resentment to a man that no longer exists....his physical body is still here but who he was is no longer.  My loyalty to my husband is a blurred line with this anxiety and frustration mixed in there.  The physical body that is here living in our home is a

December 2014

How can it be a year later already?  Our main focus has been Mark and all of his health challenges.  So much has been revealed or exposed whichever way you want to look at it.  I have been stretched to the max and my faith has been tested like never before.  I feel stronger but much more vulnerable. I have found that there is strength in that (vulnerability).  I spend much time alone in my thoughts and trying to figure out what my next step will be. I am totally dependent on God and I miss the Mark 'that was.'
It has been a year of nausea and dizziness for Mark and he's lost over 50 pounds!  Since our dear friend Steve died (OMG! Almost 3 years ago) it has been very quiet around Mark.  Not many of the old friends stop in to visit and I understand, I really do.   I see Mark struggling sometimes trying to find his place in our new normal. I hate that phrase but I have no other description for our life changes.  I have taken over all of the "duties" that Mark used to take care of and some days I just don't want to do it as well as the stuff I usually do as a wife.
Caregiving is one of the hardest hats I have ever had to wear.  I took a caregivers class for about 6 weeks earlier this year and learned a wealth of information. The most important is that I am not alone.  There are so many people taking care of their loved ones and trying to remember to take care of themselves is not easy.  The overwhelming emotions that come over me out of nowhere can sure take the wind out of my sails...Trying to figure out what he could have been thinking as I tried to figure out finances has been the most challenging.  I have been humbled beyond my worst nightmares and I had no idea that Mark was struggling with his memory for as long as it appeared that he was.
It will be 7 years on Jan. 26 that Mark had the brain seizure that got everyone's attention.  We didn't know that he was having little ones for a few years before.  We just thought he was not paying attention or was preoccupied with everything he had on his plate.  He would stop dead in his tracks and sniff like he was trying to place a smell that only he was smelling. I now know that is called an aura.
I am babbling only for therapy for me. I feel determined but fragile most days. I am grateful that I have the gift of appearing to have it together.  Most mornings I wake up very early and just lie quietly
saying 'Jesus, Jesus' over and over again so that the voices of doubt and fear don't throw me into a panic attack.  What is going to happen to my Mark if something happens to me?  I don't wish this stress on my girls so I am in constant prayer that God will intervene.
Tomorrow is another first for me.  I know I don't need to worry because God is in control.  Sometimes that sounds like a pipe dream. I feel like an ingrate when I think like that because my life has been full of many miracles that can only be explained by His intervention. I'm praying for one more tomorrow God. Please and thank you.

This morning as Mark and I were reading my blog from this day two years ago, we realized yet again how fortunate we are.  This was my last radiation treatment and the gratitude was oozing from my blog.

How interesting that only a few short years have passed and the gratitude has turned to complacency and silent whining.  I'm not going to say that I feel that I am the only one that goes through this but I was very convicted about how we (I) take God for granted.  I'm a spoiled turd!  

I long for the feeling of total dependency on Him and yesterday everything came to a head for Mark and me.  So....there I was again, on my face before the Lord asking for guidance because my self will had certainly run riot and run over all that I love and hold dear.  
Not that long ago, a dear friend was going through some chronic pain and we were talking about how sometimes it takes that kind of crap for the Lord to get our attention.  We both marveled at how amazing God is and that we have grown so grateful and grown spiritually because of the trials that we have been through AND that we hope we never forget this time of 'enlightenment'. 

I am not going to speak for her but I know that for me, I slowly started to take over and mentally convince myself somehow that God had given me all control of what is going on in my life...and in Mark's life too!  I never verbalized it but my actions certainly were saying it.

Too long of a story to go into all of the events that have come into our lives but this morning I am grateful that God gave me enough rope to maybe not hang myself but certainly to start gasping for air with bulging eyeballs!!

I have almost single handed sabotaged all that is good in my life because of my crazy ass thinking.
What happens to us?  When do we decide that we know what is best?  Only God can decide what is good for anyone.  It's no dang wonder I have been depressed!  I had taken on many problems that were not mine.  I didn't tell anyone but silently like an ugly spell, I felt responsible for everyone around me.  

I feel that it is safe to blog this because I haven't blogged for a long time and the 'excitement' of the cancer of 20ll is over.  Although safe is not a good word. I just need to vent.  

This morning I decided to read the book of Job and wow!  Not that I am comparing myself with him and all of the stuff he went through but there was some really good stuff in there.  I am only on chapter 6.  

I have identified my opponent and it is me.  I have been living in the past and not letting me or Mark move on into the future.  Whatever it may be, I know that it will be good.  I really believe that but sweet Jesus, has this been a ride!  The last year has been more than I have ever handled since I quit drugs and alcohol almost 30 years ago.   

The sweet thing is that after Mark and I talked and talked and talked, we got on our knees and thanked God for all that He has given us and we asked for His help and guidance.  Did it change anything?  Absolutely!   In the heavenly places I am sure that there was quite a commotion because Mark and I were together on our knees before our King, humbly asking for His help.  

If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers and maybe be encouraged that nothing is too big for our God.  He really does know our hearts and He knows what is going on in our pea brains.  I truly felt like He was smiling at us and saying to me, " I understand and I will show you soon that all is well." 

I lost my way for a little while but I am back on the trail where there is only one set of foot prints. :)

How blessed are you and me?!