December 2014

How can it be a year later already?  Our main focus has been Mark and all of his health challenges.  So much has been revealed or exposed whichever way you want to look at it.  I have been stretched to the max and my faith has been tested like never before.  I feel stronger but much more vulnerable. I have found that there is strength in that (vulnerability).  I spend much time alone in my thoughts and trying to figure out what my next step will be. I am totally dependent on God and I miss the Mark 'that was.'
It has been a year of nausea and dizziness for Mark and he's lost over 50 pounds!  Since our dear friend Steve died (OMG! Almost 3 years ago) it has been very quiet around Mark.  Not many of the old friends stop in to visit and I understand, I really do.   I see Mark struggling sometimes trying to find his place in our new normal. I hate that phrase but I have no other description for our life changes.  I have taken over all of the "duties" that Mark used to take care of and some days I just don't want to do it as well as the stuff I usually do as a wife.
Caregiving is one of the hardest hats I have ever had to wear.  I took a caregivers class for about 6 weeks earlier this year and learned a wealth of information. The most important is that I am not alone.  There are so many people taking care of their loved ones and trying to remember to take care of themselves is not easy.  The overwhelming emotions that come over me out of nowhere can sure take the wind out of my sails...Trying to figure out what he could have been thinking as I tried to figure out finances has been the most challenging.  I have been humbled beyond my worst nightmares and I had no idea that Mark was struggling with his memory for as long as it appeared that he was.
It will be 7 years on Jan. 26 that Mark had the brain seizure that got everyone's attention.  We didn't know that he was having little ones for a few years before.  We just thought he was not paying attention or was preoccupied with everything he had on his plate.  He would stop dead in his tracks and sniff like he was trying to place a smell that only he was smelling. I now know that is called an aura.
I am babbling only for therapy for me. I feel determined but fragile most days. I am grateful that I have the gift of appearing to have it together.  Most mornings I wake up very early and just lie quietly
saying 'Jesus, Jesus' over and over again so that the voices of doubt and fear don't throw me into a panic attack.  What is going to happen to my Mark if something happens to me?  I don't wish this stress on my girls so I am in constant prayer that God will intervene.
Tomorrow is another first for me.  I know I don't need to worry because God is in control.  Sometimes that sounds like a pipe dream. I feel like an ingrate when I think like that because my life has been full of many miracles that can only be explained by His intervention. I'm praying for one more tomorrow God. Please and thank you.