This morning as Mark and I were reading my blog from this day two years ago, we realized yet again how fortunate we are.  This was my last radiation treatment and the gratitude was oozing from my blog.

How interesting that only a few short years have passed and the gratitude has turned to complacency and silent whining.  I'm not going to say that I feel that I am the only one that goes through this but I was very convicted about how we (I) take God for granted.  I'm a spoiled turd!  

I long for the feeling of total dependency on Him and yesterday everything came to a head for Mark and me.  So....there I was again, on my face before the Lord asking for guidance because my self will had certainly run riot and run over all that I love and hold dear.  
Not that long ago, a dear friend was going through some chronic pain and we were talking about how sometimes it takes that kind of crap for the Lord to get our attention.  We both marveled at how amazing God is and that we have grown so grateful and grown spiritually because of the trials that we have been through AND that we hope we never forget this time of 'enlightenment'. 

I am not going to speak for her but I know that for me, I slowly started to take over and mentally convince myself somehow that God had given me all control of what is going on in my life...and in Mark's life too!  I never verbalized it but my actions certainly were saying it.

Too long of a story to go into all of the events that have come into our lives but this morning I am grateful that God gave me enough rope to maybe not hang myself but certainly to start gasping for air with bulging eyeballs!!

I have almost single handed sabotaged all that is good in my life because of my crazy ass thinking.
What happens to us?  When do we decide that we know what is best?  Only God can decide what is good for anyone.  It's no dang wonder I have been depressed!  I had taken on many problems that were not mine.  I didn't tell anyone but silently like an ugly spell, I felt responsible for everyone around me.  

I feel that it is safe to blog this because I haven't blogged for a long time and the 'excitement' of the cancer of 20ll is over.  Although safe is not a good word. I just need to vent.  

This morning I decided to read the book of Job and wow!  Not that I am comparing myself with him and all of the stuff he went through but there was some really good stuff in there.  I am only on chapter 6.  

I have identified my opponent and it is me.  I have been living in the past and not letting me or Mark move on into the future.  Whatever it may be, I know that it will be good.  I really believe that but sweet Jesus, has this been a ride!  The last year has been more than I have ever handled since I quit drugs and alcohol almost 30 years ago.   

The sweet thing is that after Mark and I talked and talked and talked, we got on our knees and thanked God for all that He has given us and we asked for His help and guidance.  Did it change anything?  Absolutely!   In the heavenly places I am sure that there was quite a commotion because Mark and I were together on our knees before our King, humbly asking for His help.  

If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers and maybe be encouraged that nothing is too big for our God.  He really does know our hearts and He knows what is going on in our pea brains.  I truly felt like He was smiling at us and saying to me, " I understand and I will show you soon that all is well." 

I lost my way for a little while but I am back on the trail where there is only one set of foot prints. :)

How blessed are you and me?! 
 

April 2013! Really?

I am so surprized when I realize that months have flown by and it has now been 2 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I wish that I could say that my life has been peachy keen and that all is well now.  I guess I can say that it is peachy on some days but deep in my gut there is something missing.  I can't quite put my finger on it  and apparently God does not want to reveal it to me .  Dang, I wish He would just tell me what it is already.

I find that if I stay in the moment and really be present in it , I feel better.  A few months ago I had been struggling with lots of shoulder and back pain.  It was daily agony and I tried to muscle through it but some days it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had a melt down a while back and I was taken off of one of the meds that was making me koo koo but the chronic pain was making  me feel just as nuts.   I went to pilates and got massages and did not get lasting relief.   I have now joined the old ladies gym (Curves) and am feeling better physically as time goes by.   I think I have been in a hurry to get to wherever it is that breast cancer survivors go!  I refuse to believe that God brought me through all that He has to have me live a life of mediocrity.

My life has been pretty consumed with Mark and his health and have not worked on my stuff.
I am finally feeling the grief of losing the Mark that I married and adjusting to what the brain seizures    
have left us with.  Every day is different :) Please God give me strength and wisdom.

It's Spring out side and I feel it in my soul as well.
Saturday was such a picture perfect day ( even with the wind blowing) because my 5 little grand babies were outside running all over the place. They went out there clean and fresh faced and by the time they came in, they all had dirty faces and had been running for hours!!! Tired babes and LaLa and Papa!

Happy April 22, 2013 !