And the beat goes on.....

August 2012 and it has almost been 1 whole year for me since my life changed again forever!  Dontcha wonder how many times we have to change directions in this place we call our home?  As many as it takes I guess :)  

I had another 3 month check up this last week and all is well still.  The doctors only seemed a little concerned when I mentioned that I had a horrible migraine the day before.  I had to get meds for it because it was pretty unbearable.  The docs said that they would let this one headache slide but if I get another one, I am to let them know immediately and they will do a brain scan. bleh....

I had decided about a month or so ago that I did not feel that the Lord had gotten me through the hell of last year so that I live my life only half assed....I really have had an interesting time with getting used to my new body. Not only because my clothes fit weird but that 'something' is just not right!  I was floundering and no one seemed to understand.  Of course I had not said anything to anyone but am certain that those close to me noticed that I was beginning to resemble the hunch back of Notre Dame.  I finally got tired of the pain in my shoulders and upper back and went to a massage therapist.  She in turn recommended a gait analyst.  I cannot tell you how empowered ( sorry to use this much over used word) I felt when I came out of my meeting with her.  I felt like finally I was taking control of my other wise out of control circumstances.  She told me that my posture is poor and that my body has been through a trauma that I have been minimizing by not exercising it.  Those are my words but basically, my posture sucks and I need to exercise my poor old body that feels like it has been through so much already.  I told her that I would rather take a brutal and bloody beating before I exercise because I was picturing jumping jacks and sit ups and push ups and on and on.....but OH NO not this one....sly cute fox.... she has me doing pilates to strengthen my core muscles! Owch!  Our last session she said " you won't like me very much tomorrow"...I am beginning to feel stronger and I feel oddly peaceful but on the flip side a little crazy.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this journey.  I heard a song on K-LOVE the other day which described me exactly! " When I get locked inside my head you call my name and set me free!"  I don't know the name of it but the words really ministered to me and I realized that I have been locked inside my head and have been basically depressed.  My group calls it 'chemo brain' but if that were the case, some of you reading this could not relate and I know that almost everyone of you can totally understand what I have just said.  

Some days I feel so peaceful and full of love and on the very same day I can nose dive and feel like there is no hope for me.  ARRRGH!  I am woman hear me roar!!!  Except now I roar because I am a flaming lunatic! HA!  Thank goodness it passes as quickly as it comes on.  I can usually( in fact almost always) keep my 'mental condition' under wraps and no one notices - but you should see it from my side! Yikes, scarey!  

We had to put our beloved Lupe dog down a couple of weeks ago and I thought I might lose all control  but by the grace of God we all made it through that gut wrenching day.  Good bye little friend, see you someday soon.  The vet that came to our home and her assistant were amazing.  Our whole family- near and far- was in mourning  that day.  

So much seems to have happened this last month and I can't remember exactly what.  
Last week end my sister's son got married and it was a great time!  I wore a cute dress and no one seemed to notice that I had no boobs.  I have also realized that people really do not notice things like that.  Now that I have hair , I look just like everyone else :)

Daily reminder to me is that everything is out of my control.  Mind my own business and that God is the only One in control of all of this!  But God, what about .....and what about.....surely you don't mean.....! 

Just for today....
I choose to rest from worries.  Amen!