# 6 and I am halfway done!

Well everyone, the sadness has passed! In fact it was gone by Monday.  I guess the devil just flew past and took a poke at me...NOT FUN!   Any way, I went to Lewistown on Tue. to get a massage from Summer and thoroughly enjoyed the day with her and Autumn and Dominic.  Dana came home for lunch so he could watch the babies while I got my massage.  I was able to stay for awhile and then I stopped in on the COS before I went to visit my dear friends, Curt and Noreen.  The COS (crazy old sponsor) and I got a huge laugh over the way our lives have spit us out...old and dilapidated!!!!:)But we were laughing like only those of us who have survived a life threatening addiction can laugh...with much gratitude.  
I came home with 3 great looking books to read  from Curt and Noreen's and I am also going to start crocheting again while I recline through the rest of my treatments.   I need to be doing my part at staying healthy.  Resting sounds like it is on the agenda for me from now on.   
Dr. M told me today that my blood count is low and that if it gets much lower we are not going to keep going with the chemo. We will need to take a break because I am now anemic as well from it. Then he said "Wait! there is one more thing that I can do to raise your blood count."  Yay, so it sounds like I will be getting some kind of blood 'booster' shot so that I don't go into the danger zone.  Mark kept himself busy putting warm blankets on me and the other two ladies that were in the chemo ward in my section.  There was a new lady getting her first treatment and it felt good to sort of walk her through it and encourage her to not be afraid.  The lady across the room was sort of distant acting and would not make eye contact but she was bald so I knew that she was not a newbie.  I noticed that she was wiping away tears once in awhile so I finally jumped in on her quiet moment when I asked loudly across the room " how many more do you have left?"  The look she gave me was almost spooky but she asked back "are you talking to me?"  me: "yes" (smiling and thinking, I come in peace...) she answered rather curtly " five, normally I go to Benefis.  I don't know why the hell I bother, I have a blood disease as well and I am very sick". me: ' Some days are really hard aren't they?  I had a very weepy day on Friday and could not quit crying"  she nodded her head and then she laid back in her recliner which I took to mean-ok lady be quiet, I am done talking.
She did not sit up again.  BUT...you knew this was coming...when I was done with my treatment she was still there and I went over and laid my hand on her shoulder and said quietly, " I will be praying for you." She kept her eyes closed for a moment and then she looked at me sideways and said ' thank you.... thank you."  She closed her eyes and I prayed silently as I walked away. 
Yesterday Curt and Noreen and I were talking about how God allows us to go through things to help other people...I am thinking that I just saw this today in the chemo ward. I pray that I get to see her next week. I don't know her name but God does! 
Next week I get a rough draft letter that I can send to our 'powers that be' in Helena concerning the drug companies that are not making as much of the generic chemo that works as good as the more expensive ones.  Dr ?  is writing the info for me and he told us some very sad stories of cases where it has been life and death for some people.
  A side bar-- he feels that my surgery saved my life and that the chemo is just a precaution to clean up any loose 'ends' that may have escaped. 
This blog could go on for quite awhile so will stop it now. Lots happened today and I met lots of new survivors that had never said a word to me before in the waiting room.  Maybe I looked a little pinched before I had my 'meltdown'. 
To Our God be the Glory

A moment or two of insanity?

Whatever black cloud that has come over me for the last day and a half is almost gone.  I know that some of you out there are aware of those dark days that come over us for no reason.  Yesterday I came home from my day of volunteering at Set Free Ministries because I had neuropathy in my feet and in two of my fingers.  It seemed to be getting worse and I had been advised to elevate my feet so I figured that I could do that at home.   I guess I chose to believe that it was Gods' way of making me sit down and enjoy just 'sitting'.  However,  I was totally unprepared for the feelings of deep dark something to settle in with me.  Do any of you remember that song that says 'I've been through the desert on a horse with no name'...That's sort of the feeling that I had.  Where do these come from?  This morning I was not much better even after I had a good nights sleep!  I was worse than angry, I was very sad.  Overwhelming sadness.  Nothing had changed except that it was a new day and I was helpless over the waves of sadness and the tears that spilled over my eyelids.  My little dog Bella never left my side and she kept looking at me with her gorgeous brown eyes and would whimper every once in awhile.  I wish she could tell me what she knows....I am certain that she was telling me  some remedy but I do not speak 'Pomeranian'.  I know that many people have told me to call if I ever need to 'vent' but honestly,  I felt too tired to even know where to start....and quite honestly, I did not feel like talking to anyone (so I turned my cell phone off.)
Is this the moment that Dr. Deb said would come when my brain would feel like mush?  Wow, I get the feeling that the really interesting stuff is just about to begin. I confess that I let my eyes drift away from the Lord and I tried desperately to fix it myself. When I stopped trying to figure it out and just cried out to Him, I finally felt a little relief.  Summer text(ed) me a prayer and that made me cry all over again but the release was what I needed.
I have been over my gratitude list and I have done all of the things that I have learned to do over the years and nothing seemed to help.  This chemo fog (if this is what it is), is a whole new rodeo for me. 
But it is not new for the Lord my God and to Him I am clinging!  Get on your prayer bones Flashlights and Firefly because I WAS in trouble but now am needing strength to get back up again. I am a little wobbly but I think I can, I think I can....

Week # 5 for chemo

Last Friday I announced to my friend Carol that I was going to act like a chemo patient and take the day off on Saturday.  It has gotten to be kind of a joke that I am going through the motions of getting treatments , not to mention mastectomies, but am still doing what I usually did.  Just not at the same pace as before.  ANYWAY, since I said that,  I have had a deep ache in my hip joints and also a headache has taken up residence. Also when I fall asleep, I wake up at 2 or 3 and toss and turn so I get up and EAT what ever I can find in the dark....lately it has been graham crackers and milk...yum.
Honestly though I have been feeling a wall of fatigue starting to build up around me.  I have managed to climb over it because I felt like it was in my head and I do not want to whine and complain...I am a very good martyr when need be ;)  Aren't I wonderful? (wink - wink) My toes have begun to feel numb but not tingly.
SO!  Today when I weighed in, the scales tattled on my middle of the night grazing.  I gained 2 pounds since last week! Fatty! The nurses were so cute when they said 'oh but we don't want you to lose weight'.  What a set up for me....Wow! It does not get any better than that!
Dr. M seemed a little concerned when I told him about my toes. He said that I need to keep my feet elevated (like when I rest...snicker) and that if the numbness continues or gets worse we may have to take a break.  PLEASE pray that I don't have to take a break.  I would like to get on with this but I realize that it is all in God's hands.  If I have to take a break , I will take a break...simple as that. 
He also said that there is a shortage of the chemo that they are using on me and other ones as well, not just the one I am getting.  He said that they work great but that they are not the most expensive that is available so the drug companies are not making the money on certain chemo that is made so they are not making much!  AMAZING!  He told us to write to our senators, congressmen and representatives and complain.  He was on quite a roll today.
I am healing up nicely and am still doing my physical therapy here at home.  My hair is getting longer and I can see shades of black coming in.  I am still waiting for the long curly eyelashes :(  
Pray for Mark, he is moving rather slowly and he had a small episode before  our walk last Saturday. I realize that he is very worried for me and that keeps me trying to 'act as if' all is well with me.  My faith is still strong and I know that nothing happens to me that has not gone through the Father.  So I will continue to care for my husband and know that the Lord is taking care of both of us.  Keep praying ya'll!  
ALL things are possible to those who believe.
 

# 4 ( but who is counting?)

I sailed through # 4 chemo today except Nurse Deanna could not draw blood from my port which is not a big deal but she was a little puzzled because we tried all of the ''tricks".  
I had made a couple of fruit pizza's last night and took one into the chemo staff! I must say that it was quite gorgeous!  Lots of strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, and mandarin oranges ( they were the big flower in the middle)and raspberries.  We ate the smaller of the two pizzas last night before bed and I polished off the left over sugar cookie dough.  The spirit of Wild Woman was in the cockles of my mind but I kept ignoring her :)  shoo fly don't bother me came to mind.  Maybe she won't read this.....She did say I have choices...;)
ANYWAY, I woke up with a sugar headache and I could feel that I was a little puffier around my middle and face. Immediately I start plotting...hmmm, how can I NOT look like I gained weight this morning?   I decided that my wig must weigh close to a pound, socks weigh something, long pants weigh a little more and  I know!!!...NO JEWELRY !   Yep, you guessed it!  I wore a hat, no wig and I took the hat off before I climbed on the scale.  I would have stood there buck or butt (which is it anyway) naked if I could have.  I gained half a pound  :(
My shoes matched, I would have taken those off except that my big toe nails are gone and they look gross.  My feet look like Hobbitt feet except no hair on the knuckles.  Ugly.
I wish I could say that everyday is a wonderful day but I would be lying.  There are days as of late that I feel a little fatigued and I have had some sores in my mouth.  I have been gargling with soda/salt water and the sores are almost gone.   The dr. asked me today if I have been feeling any tingling in my feet or hands and I have not.  She was very happy to hear that.  Nurse Deanna told me that people do lose their hair with the chemo that I am receiving but sometimes they don't.
I jumped on 'sometimes they don't'. 
I am growing tired of putting something on my head but it is not a big deal and I certainly am not complaining because God has been so faithful and kind to me.  I am at peace with my life but I tell you what, sometimes I have to read off a gratitude list because my human condition is very fickle and ungrateful.  Forgive me Father.
Oh yes,  my blood pressure is high this week so Mark and I really do need to start walking.  He for his back and me for my bp.  I also need to let go of things and people that I have no control over.  
I have had a really good week and I wish that I could take the time to name all of the people that have blessed me with some random act of kindness or an encouraging word but the list would be way long. 
Some highlights however were:
Wild Woman came in to Set Free and we had such an awesome visit...I felt like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders just by visiting with her. 
Good visit with the COS (my crazy old sponsor from Lewistown).  Almost 28 years ago she kept me sane and sober for just another 24 hrs.  
Some really good belly laughs with my sister (the poser bad ass) and of course my two beautiful daughters that give their old mom a reason to keep fighting this disease.
AND guess what, I have almost perfect use of my left arm!  
My physical therapist said that tomorrow will be my last visit with her!!! PTL!!!  
1 John  5:14-15
It is because of all of your prayers!  Thank you! Love you all and good night!

3 chemo treatments down - 9 to go

Off we went to Sletten, I was feeling a little tired but knowing that this will be my routine for awhile I am able to make the 15 min. drive to be poked and prodded.
I thought that I looked fairly cute in my cute capris and tank top and little sweater with cute little brown shoes with a brown bow on them. My wig looked exceptionally attractive as I styled it differently and my earrings were to die for...No vanity here but it does keep trying to make a reappearance.
ANYWAY, Mark and I are sitting in the waiting room and I am reading yet another cancer survivor magazine and I cross my legs and uncross them which is what I do when I am trying to wait patiently. All of a sudden all of the lights go out and the city of Great Falls is in a black out.
I get called to the back where there is a generator I am thinking because there were lights back there.  Sue put me in a room to wait for nurse to access my port.  I am all alone and I look down at my feet and I notice...Hey, I thought I had brown shoes on with a bow....I put my right foot out and sure enough there was the brown shoe with a bow on it....bring my left leg out and ....THIS IS A BLACK SHOE!  No bow and it has a little heel, my brown is flat!  Did I not notice that I walked funny?  Mark said that he noticed it in the waiting room but did not want to say anything to me.  I busted out a huge GUFFAW of laughter and brought a few nurses in to find out what sort of spell had come over me!  Everybody rolling around on floor with laughter :)  So next is Dr. M's office where he has to check me in the dark with the door open and he has a  med student with him.  He checks the usual stuff but this time he has me pull my feet out so he can check for edema on my ankles....yep, you guessed it...he kept looking at my feet. He even got down a little closer because I  think that he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him because of the dark.  More laughter...He said, "they don't even LOOK kind of alike...chemo brain". Too funny. Off to chem I go.
Chemo was very uneventful.  My faithful Mark was there and we visited for awhile before I dozed off.  Then I woke up and we talked some more.  We are so grateful to have one another for this incredibly difficult journey that has been so blessed with peace and grace.  Not only do we look different but we truly feel different than we did when we were married almost 29 years ago.
There were so many really rough roads for us and we just kept hanging on to one another hoping that it would get better.  Hope and Faith are God's crowbars.
Hope and Faith will get us through this because God knows that we are trusting Him and Him alone.
Have a great nights sleep flashlights and firefly.  I love you all.
 

Play date with some grandbabies

Dominic 6mnths

making tortillas

Julianna 3yrs

Logan 2yrs

"Hang on kiddos!"

Cheese!
Autumn 2yrs, Logan and Julianna

Ryan

eat your heart out Martha Stewart

Chemo # 2

Mark and I went to my appt ready to sleep the day away...I got whisked in to the chemo room  by ' bad port karma nurse" and she said 'don't worry I am not going to access your port, we are getting one of the chemo nurses to do that'.  I got the feeling ever so slightly that she is scared of trying to access my port.   I felt bad for her, so next week I am going to take her a little card or a treasure of some sort.  I think that I have a little more work on my co-dependency issues :)  I got Debbie and she has done chemo nursing for 15 years as well.  She does not take it personally when she has someone that she has bad 'port karma' with.  Nice lady. I think that it is kind of like we all have some one that we just don't click with for some reason.  Nurse Sue just does not click with my port! HA!
Dr. M lowered my adavan dosage in my chemo cocktail so I did not lose the whole day sleeping.  I slept while I was there and I felt like I had a nice nap when we left.  Nurse Deanna gave me my treatment.  Mark and I went to lunch and then came home to take our naps;)  I got up and mowed the lawn with Julianna and kept working out side for awhile.  Then I rested in my swing and read some of my book.
God is faithful Flashlights and Firefly!  I do not feel sick or even tired.  Dr. M said once again ( like he wants me to remember )  that the chemo may gang up on me in a month or two and that I may get very fatigued but he is glad that ( in his words) I am high energy and that I seem to be tolerating the treatment very well.  (wink wink). It is all the Lord and His mercy.
I hope my energy keeps up as we have Mark's family coming to visit at the end of the month and the beginning of Sept. If not, Mark is on his own.  :) 
Today was a good day just like last week was.
I got this text from one of my flashlights this morning:   YOU SHALL FORGET THE DAYS OF ILLNESS IN THE JOY OF VICTORY, BUT I YOUR LORD AND SAVIOUR SHALL MYSELF BECOME YOUR VICTORY.
Awesome!